"It was a long season. After the playoffs ended, the boys just hunkered down and never left the clubhouse," recalled Leyland. "As long as they emerge ready to play by the time the season starts, that's all that matters."
The issue of offseason hibernation is nothing new for Leyland, although this year represents the first time the entire team has participated. Previously, Miguel Cabrera spent his winter sleep in the equipment room.
"Oh yeah, we knew what we were getting with him. Every year the past four years, Miggy increases his fatty meat intake come October before nesting in the batting cages," whispered Leyland, carefully shining a flashlight into the clubhouse window to check on the players. "But this year with everyone together, it's special. It's a team bonding experience. We don't wanna ruin that."
#1 Extremely expensive food
What's the best way to impress a date? Take her to an expensive restaurant, of course!
But even the most expensive 5-star restaurant in town doesn't charge $6 for soda or $5 for water. This concession stand does, though so it must be the best restaurant in town! Your date will no doubt be impressed by your big-spending ways and your ways in the art of love.
#2 Fine clothing
The finest establishments require patrons to wear expensive clothing. See that guy over there in that jersey? And that guy there? And her over there? And me? These are authentic jerseys. They cost $250. That's right, baby 250. Just for a shirt. We're practically at a Milan fashion show here.
Fancy clothing. Expensive dinner. Now it's time to dance because they're playing Gangnam Style during the timeout! WOOOOOOOOO! Heyyyyyyyyy sex-y la-dy!
I guess they got walked a lot and/or had sacrifice flies.
"I have 17 that's right: 17 new sandwich ingredient delivery systems that are going to absolutely blow people away," says the former manager. "Traditional sandwich bread and even my famed wrap are going to look like foods from the prehistoric age."
Valentine says he won't reveal his sandwich inventions until a planned event on March 30th at his eponymous restaurant in Stamford, Conn. But he was willing to give some hints.
"Cracker sticks infused with condiments. A baked and hollow dough ball. Powdered wheat. Crust forts. Naan-o bites. These are just a few of the many things that will soon become staples of every deli and restaurant in the world," he said. "I am still putting some finishing touches on everything in my lab, but lunch will forever change come March 30th."
1. Jon Gruden
Pro: When any big job opens up, Gruden's name is mentioned. He would definitely bring enthusiasm to the position.
Con: The job might be too much for him. Gruden would no doubt stay up all night watching film of people sinning, trying to come up with game plans to help them overcome it. With more than 7 billion sinners in the world, the quantity of sin tape would be overwhelming. The papacy might burn him out fast.
2. Tim Tebow
Pro: Tebow is one of the world's best known Christians and could soon be forced to look for a new line of work.
Con: Tebow is not Catholic. He is an evangelical Christian. Big difference. However, Tebow might be willing to convert if he is promised to be No. 1 on the Catholic depth chart at the faith's most important position.
3. Todd Graham
Pro: The Arizona State head football coach is always looking for a new and better job and will no doubt at least have his agent acquire about the position. Pope is no doubt a "dream job."
Con: Todd Graham has a black, rotten soul. God probably doesn't want Todd Graham to be his top human pal.
4. Lionel Messi
Pro: The world's best soccer player is a devout Catholic. The Church has seen a dramatic decline in Europe in recent years. Making a football star the pope could get many football-mad Europeans interested in Catholicism again.
Con: Messi would no doubt have to miss many matches in order to do pope stuff. Being robbed of the sport's greatest player in his prime could turn many against the Church. Also, with Messi out of the way, Cristiano Ronaldo becomes the world's best player and no one wants that.
1. The original owner of the Detroit Tigers was killed by a tiger attack while on vacation in Bangladesh.
2. Dunking a basketball is against the law in Belgium and can earn a week in jail and a €750 fine.
3. Testing done in 1991 found that the Stanley Cup is covered in more fecal bacteria than the average public restroom toilet.
4. The distance of the Indianapolis 500 is actually 494.6 miles.
5. The first protective cups were made from the shells of lobster tails.
Picture Todd Helton Mugshot
At least have the courtesy to wake him up before taking his picture.
Picture Maryland: The Naive State
They're really going to be upset when it breaks that Cal Ripken, Jr. took roids.
Don't get it wrong: Alex Trebeck is a hip cat.