Filed Under » misc

The Parent

Description: He pretends he's there just to help out and do whatever the head coach needs, but he really volunteered to push for his son to get more playing time from the inside.

Catchphrase: "Hey, Eric. Show coach that move I taught you last night in the living room."

The Parrot

Description: The Parrot only makes $35/week, but he knows where his cheap bread is buttered — the head coach gave him his job and continued employment is up to the same head coach. So The Parrot goes out of his way to be in lock step with his boss. He repeats the coach, argues against the same calls, even dresses like him. The Parrot's hero is the head coach, and his dignity can be had for a few hundred bucks and a free whistle.

Catchphrase: "[Whatever the head coach just said, only louder and pathetic.]"

Stage 1: Denial

Description: The athlete denies he actually lost as a temporary defense.

Youth Athlete in Denial: "No way I lost. My mom said I'm the best player ever!"

College Athlete in Denial: "No way I lost. The coach who recruited me said I'm the best player ever!"

Pro Athlete in Denial: "No way I lost. My agent said I'm the best player ever!"

Stage 2: Anger

Description: The athlete experiences rage and jealousy over the outcome and lashes out.

Youth Athlete in Anger: "I'm going to quit!"

College Athlete in Anger: "I'm going to transfer!"

Pro Athlete in Anger: "I'm going to lose my endorsements!"

It's been a rough period for parenting in sports. A dad was arrested for beating a coach with an axe handle, 9 year-olds are being forced to cage fight, and Buddy Ryan pitted his two boys in a brutal coaching death match. You'd think that adults would be capable of acting a little more grown up, but as Rev. Cecil Newton once taught us, sometimes it pays to misbehave. So with hopes of making it to basketball season on our best behavior, here are SportsPickle's tips to being a good sports parent.

Overly-competitive parents have been around since the time of the Aztecs, when moms and dads attending ritualistic ballgames would often sacrifice themselves to the gods if their children didn't show enough hustle (parents of winning children, however, took their kids to Pizza Hut).

In the centuries since, many people still fail to realize that putting too much stake into a game when you're not actually on the field can be ruinous. Just ask Pete Rose. Because it can sometimes be difficult to tell when you're crossing a line, here are some signs that you just might be a little too into the game:

• You award yourself the game ball from time to time.

• You occasionally catch yourself absentmindedly doodling disabled lists with every player's name but your kid.

• You bring your own Gatorade cooler to throw.

• You eat all the kids' orange slices at halftime and spike the peels.

• The voodoo doll you made of your child has started to fall apart from overuse.

• You call your wife the equipment manager and make her figure out how to fit your folding chair into its little carrying sleeve.

• You wear shin pads under your jeans, just in case.