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Sports agent Jim Levins was awakened by his cell phone at 5:00 a.m. this morning with an urgent call from one of his clients – a client frantically asking Levins to help him quickly set up a charity to find a cure for gonorrhea.

“I’ve never heard him so passionate about anything,” said Levins. “I asked him if it could wait until morning, but he insisted it could not. Something about waking up in the middle of the night and finding pus all over it. So I started working on the 401©-3 paperwork right away.”

By the time Levins reached his office a little before 6:00 a.m., his client was already pacing outside.

“He was sweating and just kept walking back and forth mumbling: ‘I can’t believe this happened to me. I can’t believe it. That b-tch said she was clean. My junk is all messed up. I can’t believe this’,” said Levins. “He was really distraught.”

After doing a brief amount of research into any similar gonorrhea-focused charities, Levins discovered that gonorrhea is a virus that can be treated with antibiotics.

“That calmed him down a little bit, but then I also read that some forms of the virus are very resistant to treatment and can not be killed,” said Levins. “That got him sweating again and renewed his commitment to finding a cure for this ailment.”

Levins said he expects the charity to up and running by the end of the week, but says that his client's name will not be linked to it publicly in any way.

“That’s just the kind of guy he is, you know?” said Levins. “He’s doing a good thing here, but he doesn’t need to be praised for it. In fact, he made me promise that his name will never linked to the charity or gonorrhea in any way. He said he wants to keep it all a secret. Especially to his wife.”

High school cheerleading practice opened this morning at Westgate High in Ormond Park, Ill. and head coach Jennifer Pretian says she will spend the first few days working on fundamentals.

"Basic spelling, that sort of thing," said Pretian, 32, who was captain of the varsity squad at Westgate in 1995. "Go. G-O. Win. W-I-N. Fight. F-I … see, I need to bone up, too. I'm rusty."

Westgate High principal Robert Simpson says the opening week of cheerleading practice is the most important, at least from his point of view.

"If it wasn't for cheerleading, most of these girls would never learn to spell. It's their only motivation," said the principal. "This time in August is the only time of the year we can get them to learn anything of value."

While cheerleading helps the girls' language skills, it's detrimental to their math skills.

"Every one of those dumb bimbos think numbers go 2, 4, 6, 8," said math skills teacher Sheila Marcos. "I've even had some cheerleaders come through who think there are numbers called Who, Do, We, And, and Appreciate."

Principal Simpson says he wishes the cheerleading coach would spend more time on spelling simple, single syllable words.

"They don't need to spend time practicing jumping and flipping and all that stuff," he said. "They're too stupid to realize any of that is dangerous. They'd jump off a bridge to try to touch a cloud if you wouldn't stop them. I want more focus on learning first grade spelling skills."

Westgate High varsity captain Heather Perkins says she can't wait for the final week of practice.

"That's when we practice giving blow jobs," she said. "Yes! Y-I-S!"

Parents of football players at Steubenville High School in Steubenville, Ohio, have decided to register their complaints with school board about head coach Robert O’Malley giving his son, the team’s starting quarterback, preferential treatment.

“This has gone far enough,” said one outraged parent. “Not only is his son the starting quarterback, but he lets him live at his house, too? Oh, what – you win three straight Big School Player of the Year Awards and you can live with the coach, have him pay for your meals? This has to be some sort of violation.”

Another parent says he has seen O’Malley drive his son to practice numerous times.

“All we’re asking for is some fairness,” said the parent. “My son has never gotten valet service by the head coach. I mean, sure, we’ve all enjoyed winning state championships with his son at quarterback, but I’m sure my son could set a state record for touchdown passes, too, if only he was given the chance. But, no – the coach has him banished to backup punter.”

Some parents say they are disappointed to see that high school sports remain full of favoritism.

“It was the same way back when I was in high school,” said one parent. “I got cut from the basketball team simply because the coach was friends with the parents of some of the other kids. He tried to say it was only because I was 40-pounds overweight, unable to grasp basic basketball fundamentals and had a club foot. But I know the real reason. The way I see it, that man cost me millions of dollars in future earnings as a pro.”

The Steubenville school board president says he will look into the charges of preferential treatment towards the coach’s son and will continue in his quest to rid the district of petty, personal politics.

“Petty, personal politics have no place at a school,” he said. “Except when it comes to the school board election. That’s actually the only way to get elected.”