What is Twitter if not the lyrics to the lives of morons.
Blatant jaywalking, brah.
SportsPickle asked readers to vote on which American president would win a presidential boxing tournament. After more than 80,000 votes, here are the results.
43. William Henry Harrison
Age in Office: 42
Scouting Report: He died of pneumonia 32 days into his term. Harrison's best chance of defeating his opponent would be hacking phlegm into his eyes and then passing out on top of him.
42. Jimmy Carter
Age in Office: 52
Scouting Report: The former peanut farmer would destroy any opponent with a peanut allergy.
41. Herbert Hoover
Age in Office: 54
State: Iowa, Oregon, California
Scouting Report: Hoover was a Quaker. Maybe they're secretly great fighters. You don't know.
40. John Tyler
Age in Office: 51
Scouting Report: The first VP to take over for a dead president. He could handle seeing a man die, so he wouldn't be scared to crack open a man's skull.
Chris "Topher" Bosh
"Molasses" Ray Leonard
"Sometimes Flip-Flops" Joe Jackson
Julius "The OB/GYN" Erving
"Julius" Earvin Johnson
Earvin "Reality" Johnson
Earvin "Black Larry Bird" Johnson
Willie Mays: "The Say Wha? Brah"
Obama: I like the designated hitter. Not everyone was given the tools to hit, just as most hitters can't pitch well. But pitchers do more than their share to help the team. I am okay if they get some help at batting. It's a team, after all.
Romney: Pitchers need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and learn to swing the bat if they want to make it in the big leagues. There are no handouts in professional sports. We've coddled these American League pitchers for far too long.
Obama: I'm not too worried about the elite quarterbacks. They're doing just fine. In fact, the system is stacked in their favor. You can't touch a guy like Tom Brady without getting a flag. The elite quarterbacks get all the calls. What we need to do is focus more on the success of the middle class of quarterbacks the Jay Cutlers, the Joe Flaccos and make sure they have a fair shot. If we can build up that middle class of quarterbacks, the league as a whole will be better off.
Romney: I want all quarterbacks to improve and aspire to that elite status. But those who are elite already got there through a lot of hard work and are not to be demonized. Let's be honest: Are people tuning in to NFL games to watch Tom Brady or a guy like Joe Flacco? It's Brady. I want the elite quarterbacks like Brady to get more calls in their favor. If the top quarterbacks do well, ratings for the entire NFL will be strong and that provides revenue for everyone.
SportsPickle published a list of 10 high schools with great team names. You submitted other schools that deserved to make the list. Here they are
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#10 Frankfort High Hot Dogs
Do their players celebrate a lot? Is there a hot dog manufacturing plant in the town? Did their previous mascot, a bulldog, catch fire in a tragic accident? Like hot dogs themselves, it's probably a mix of everything.
#9 Hoopeston Area Cornjerkers
It's surprising this school even has sports teams. Most teenage boys would choose to stay home jerking their corn over playing a sport.
1. "It was all politics"
You think our country is a political nightmare? You should have seen this guy's high school. The athletic department was rife with "politics." And because of these vague "politics," this guy didn't get the playing time he deserved. Why would any coach keep a superstar athlete who could make his team win off the field? "Politics, man. Politics." Oh.
Where he is now: Getting passed over for promotions at work because of "office politics, man. Office politics."
2. "My coach was an idiot"
How incompetent was this head coach? He made the second-coming of Michael Jordan into a career backup who averaged 3.4 points a game as a senior. That is truly some poor coaching.
Where he is now: Working for an idiot boss.
3. "If it wasn't for my injury, things would have been different"
Bo Jackson, Sandy Koufax, this guy: amazing athletes who had their careers cut short due to injury. If it wasn't for the sprained ankle he suffered in 7th grade football, pretty much every sports record in history would be owned by this tragic figure.
Where he is now: Riding around in a Jazzy Power Chair because he weighs 500 pounds/his back went out.
Opinion The 15 Worst Jobs in Sports
In this economy, it's nice just to have a job. Except maybe these sports job.
#1 Dugout Cleaner
The next time you watch a baseball game, pay attention to the players in the dugout. They're great at putting things in their mouths, but they're physically incapable of keeping them there. Sunflower seeds, tobacco juice, swishes of Gatorade they all get spat back onto the dugout floor until they form a thick sludge of disgustingness. By the bottom of the ninth inning, everyone's spikes-deep in a goo so foul that it's right on the verge of becoming a sentient being and attacking the clubhouse, and it's someone's job to clean it up. Did you get it all clean, guy? Great! Savor this moment. There are only 80 more home games this season!
This person's second job: Port-a-John repairman.