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For the 1989thconsecutive year, Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem dominated the field at the World Barefoot Waterskiing Championships, held annually in Kenosha, Wisconsin.Christ swept all eight events, earning gold medals in all racing and freestyle categories.

“You know, someone here today asked me how this stacks up against the other 1,988 barefoot waterskiing titles I’ve won,” said Christ, as he unzipped his wetsuit and enjoyed a cold beer in front of an adoring crowd.“I definitely have to say that this one was the sweetest.No doubt.I’ll never get sick of this feeling.”

He then pointed to the sky.

“TOP OF THE WORLD, POP!”

Christ has been barefoot waterskiing since the age of 20, when he discovered that his ability to walk on water translated seamlessly to the world of competitive watersports.In addition to his 1,989 world titles, Christ has also won his home nation of Israel’s national championship every year since the country of Israel was re-established after the Second World War.

But he says this title was different from the rest.

“Oh, definitely.I mean, you look at some of the guys out here competing.We got Sean Hanson.We got Luke Fairchild.These guys out here can shred, man” Christ said.“I knew I’d have to train harder than ever.Do whatever it takes.Spend some time in the desert, whatever.The preparation is as much mental as it is physical.”

But some people in the field are crying foul over Christ’s dominance over the sport.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love what he’s done for our sport,” said second place finisher Hans Rudolph.“Without Jesus, we don’t get sponsors like Budweiser to come in and make this event what it is.But at the same time, I don’t think it’s poor sportsmanship to suggest that being the son of Our Lord Almighty, and being able to literally walk on water gives Jesus an unfair competitive advantage.I mean, Jesus.He had his boat STOP twice.That’s just hotdogging.”

But Christ brushed aside any criticism for his style of skiing.

“I’m just gonna go out there and do what I do.I’m not gonna get caught up in how people perceive me or anything like that.Jesus is just gonna be Jesus.The rest is in Dad’s hands.”

Christ hopes to parlay his success in barefoot waterskiing into possible Olympic gold down the line.

“Oh, definitely.That’s what it’s all about.I think we have a chance at Rio.I really do.To be up on that medal stand while they play ‘Joy To The World,’ and to know I’m on an elevated platform that I’m not nailed to, that would be a Hell of a feeling.Wouldn’t it?”

The Delmont Dragons are just one win away from qualifying for the district playoffs in the Washington state 2A football tournament. And the boring citizens of boring Delmont couldn’t be more excited.

“This town is pulling for its Dragons right now,” said Delmont mayor Tom Scaliffe. “Everywhere you go in town you see Dragons signs and everyone you talk to wants to talk about Dragon football. The town hasn’t been this alive since there was a talk of a meteorite hitting us six or seven years ago.”

With Delmont set to play Spokane South High on Saturday with a possible No. 1 seed in the playoffs on the line, the Dragons will be feted with a pep rally in the school gymnasium on Friday. But while the rally will be held during school hours, most of the town is expected to attend.

“I’m closing down the shop early on Friday to attend the pep rally,” said Joe Hardesty, owner of Hardesty’s Auto Repair on Main Street. “The marching band, cheerleaders, the crowd – it’ll be a little slice of big city New York Broadway right here in little, old Delmont. I just hope Mrs. Reilly doesn’t mind if I don’t finish up her Buick until Monday.”

Delmont High junior Amanda Salazar says that watching the Dragons’ run through the playoffs is the most exciting thing of her young life.

“Last year when I was a quarterfinalist for county farm show princess was the most exciting thing ever,” said Salazar. “But then I got the flu and had a bad fever on the day of the judging and threw up all over the stage. Now I have Dragons fever. Dragons fever is much better.”

Fellow Dragons fan Christie Taylor, a Delmont junior, says she has developed a personal connection with the team.

“I went to a party at one player’s house last night and let our quarterback go down my pants,” says Taylor. “I’m in love now. I’m going to be his wife one day when he is a famous quarterback in the NFL.”

But while the Dragons are exciting most of Delmont’s population, others have been hurt by the team’s success.

“I have mixed feelings,” said Shirley Nash, an active local volunteer. “This weekend is our annual Soup Cooking Competition. It’s the biggest event in town each year and usually brings in more than $300 to local business from out of town guests. But this year everyone in town will be away to see the Dragons play. I just hope they don’t get lured in by the big city ways of Spokane and stop loving the perfect life we have here in Delmont.”

East Valley High quarterback David Walker, a two-time Class AAAA state champion and consensus USA Today All-American, admitted to reporters today that most of the joy in his life is derived from living vicariously through his father, Edgar, a severe alcoholic.

“You get to this point in your life, and everything is just work work work,” said David. “I have just an insane number of responsibilities: class, practice, film study, bible study, extracurriculars… I barely have any time to myself. My commute is an absolute BEAR. And then I look at my dad, and he’s got the whole goddamn world in his hands.He barely has to work seven hours a day, then he can come home and drink ALL night.Even on Tuesday!

“He has NO IDEA how lucky he is,” says David, flush with bitterness. “Sometimes I just wanna shake him out of his blissful drunken slumber and smack him across the mouth.I wanna tell him to savor every moment of this.I want him to savor the fact that he divorced mom 10 years ago and is free to sleep with any cocktail waitress he chooses.I only WISH I had that kind of freedom.

“Seriously,” he added, “You should see the kind of tail he pulls.And he doesn’t even shower every day.”

David, who often puts in 20-hour days at school, is also helping his mother raise his younger brother, seven-year-old Tommy.

“Raising kids is like a second job,” he contends. “Every night I come home to something scrawled on the walls and food on the floor.You think I wouldn’t like to unwind by loosening my uniform and pouring myself a tall glass of scotch?Goddamn Dad. He doesn’t even know how good he’s got it.”

When contacted for this story, Edgar Walker was slumped over asleep on the bar at Sally's Saloon. But when awakened, he first took a swing at a reporter and then expressed a great deal of pride in David’s success.He then let out a loud belch and openly scratched his testicles in front of reporters, asking a female scribe, “Wanna see my trunk monkey?”

“He better enjoy the life he’s got now,” says David.“Because it’s not always gonna that way.One day, he’s gonna die, and then be reincarnated, and then have to play high school football, take AP Spanish, get board certified in lifeguard training, and try to maintain a long distance relationship with his girlfriend who graduated a year earlier than he did, and won’t have sex until marriage, not even oral.And all this awesomeness that is his life – the playing pool until 3AM, the drinking rye straight from the handle – it’ll all be a memory.God, I wish were a pathetic middle-aged man.I wouldn’t take it for granted for an instant.Being an overachiever BLOWS.”

Despite the support shown this afternoon at a mandatory 9th period pep rally for the school's varsity football team, students at Lakeview High School admit that they really hope the team loses tomorrow night — preferably in an embarrassing fashion.

"Everyone on the football team is a total prick," said junior Nick Lamade. "And I'm not exaggerating. Every one of of them. Coaches, too. I couldn't root against them more."

"I know some of their offense because I played JV," said senior Jason Farrior. "I send my old playbook to the opposing team each week before the game. Every little bit helps, I say."

And while Lakeview students say unanimously in private that they root — vigorously — against their Lions, that sentiment couldn't seem less true at the pep rallies themselves, which feature loud cheering and enthusiastic support.

"If we don't clap and yell and cheer along with the stupid cheers, we get in trouble," said Sarah Shulman. "I don't want to get detention, so I cheer. The teachers make us. Although they all hate the football team, too."

That's true, say all the teachers.

"Most definitely," says English teacher Thomas Landry. "The football players disrupt class every day and they're basically just a—holes. Yet the administration lets them get away with everything … because they play football. Unbelievable. But I make my other students cheer at the pep rally. It's an order from the principal. But it also allows me to teach my English classes about irony."

And while every Lakeview student dislikes the football team, some do more than others. Most notably, the soccer, golf and volleyball teams.

"Last year the football team went 5-6 and every one of their games was treated around here like it was the Super Bowl," said Tim Curtis, senior captain of the soccer team. "Yet we went 17-3 and made it to the state semis and … nothing. At the pep rallies they have us sit together and then before they spend 20 minutes on the football team, the principal says: 'And let's not forget all the guys and girls on the soccer, volleyball and golf teams. They deserve our support, too.' That's it."

Head football coach Rick Davis says the "obvious" support of the student body and faculty is a huge confidence boost for his team.

"Football is integral for the success and morale of any high school," he says. "When my squad takes the field, they know they have the hopes of the entire community riding on them. They don't take that responsibility lightly. And they appreciate the support."

Buffalo Bills kick returner Leodis McKelvin had his property vandalized this week after his late-game fumble led to the Bills' loss to the Patriots.

The vandals spray-painted some messages on McKelvin's lawn and then turned themselves in a few days later. Fail.

There is a right way and a wrong way for vandalizing an athlete's property. Here are 5 tips to do it the right way.

1. Be constructive with your criticism— Don't just spray paint "U SUCK" on their driveway. How will that fix anything? Give some helpful tips on how they can improve. Dump lye on their lawn in a pattern that will reveal the X's and O's of a winning play. Or, using the entrails of their family cat, spell out "Consider not returning a kick out of the end zone when you have a big lead late in the fourth quarter. Much appreciated!" (I've found the cat's tail and one eyeball is perfect for making the explanation point at the end.) The athlete you targeted won't be angry, he'll be appreciative of your help. (As no one likes cats.)

2. Sign your work — If you're angry enough to vandalize an athlete's property, you should be man enough to sign a name to it. But not your name. That's crazy. You'd get arrested doing that. No, sign the name of someone else you hate almost as much on the team. For example, if you spray paint: "U SUCK, LEODIS!" Below that you want to add: "Sincerely, Dick Jauron." This puts the lousy player on notice AND gets the other person arrested. Two birds with one stone. Also, this reminds me: if they have birds, stone them. It's fun and birds can't scratch you up like that stupid cat did.

3. Bring a ladder —The problem with many athletes — outside of the fact that they suck and make more money than you — is that their properties are gated. So it's hard to get on their property to vandalize it. Sure, you could scale the wall … but they're the professional athlete, not you. You're not strong enough to scale a wall. You're a fat, miserable fan.

4. Spread your venom — You need to focus on the athlete and his indiscretions, of course, but athletes get booed and ripped on talk radio all the time. They have pretty thick skin. What you want to do to really catch their attention is spread the hate around. Is the athlete married? Write something about his wife being fat and ugly. Then destroy his kids' swing set. Or just destroy his family altogether by writing something like "This is what you get for f—king my girlfriend!" Sure, you don't have a girlfriend. But now the cops will look for someone who does. You're free!

5. Run! Run! Run! — Did you just hear the front door open? I thought you said there weren't any lights on inside?! Ohmigod! If he catches us we're going to get whupped! Run! RUN! RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!

Portuguese deep-sea diver Poreto smashed the world record for unaided deep-sea diving today, diving over 600 feet down into the Pacific Ocean, despite numerous pleas from his boat crew to return to the surface with fresh lobsters for all.

Poreto broke his own personal best record of 595 feet with the dive, surviving underwater for nearly 30 minutes without the aid of supplemental oxygen.While underwater, Poreto slowed his heart rate to an incredible 50 beats per minute, and never once considered foraging around for shrimp, clams, oysters, or any other kind of delicious seafood that would make for a fabulous clambake.

“I don’t get it,” said boat captain Mike Durant. “He’s down in that water for nearly half an hour while we wait. The least he can do is grab us something to eat.”

“I heard there are squid down there too,” Durant added. “Mmm… calamari.”

Poreto dismissed any complaints from his crew about returning to the boat empty handed.

“Deep sea diving is not about hunting. It’s a communion between man and the sea," he said. "When I am down there, I have to keep my body disciplined. There cannot be a wasted movement, not even a stray glance. To do so would break the harmony that the ocean and I share at such depths.”

Durant remained unfazed.

“He’s always pulling that New Agey crap. Sometimes, he’ll stay down in that water for 30, even 45 minutes. We get hungry up here. I think he comes back without lobster just to be a dick about it, frankly. He knows damn well he could grab a couple five-pounders while he’s down there. You got a couple five-pounders, you got yourself a feast.”Durant added: “Imagine if we had some fries to go with it. Jesus, that would be good. Too bad potatoes don't grow underwater.”

Deep sea diving is regarded as one of the riskiest sports in the world. Just last year, three professional deep sea divers drowned when their zip lines failed to return them to the ocean surface in time, killing them, and leaving their crews bereft of any juicy, tender lobsters that could be boiled alive right in the boat galley and served with drawn butter and lemon.

“People die more often in this sport than you think,” says Dr. Mikhael Levin, of Harvard University. “You’re talking about people deliberately cutting off the oxygen supply to their brains, and subjecting themselves to any number of decompression sicknesses at such extreme depths. And they do it with no intention of ever finding a nice piece of halibut to enjoy later on with a glass of Chablis. It'ssenseless, when you think about it.”

For his part, Poreto plans to keep on diving, and to further break his own records.

“This is about pushing the limits of what the human body can withstand. It’s the ultimate gauge of our evolution. And I will keep doing this until the day I die, whenever that may come," he said. "Regardless, if Mike Durant wants fresh octopus tonight, he can jolly well go buy some at the fishmonger before we set out to sea.”

His gym teacher says he is one of the clumsiest children she has ever had in her 25 years of teaching. His Little League coach only plays him because the league requires it. And his father can't bear to watch any of his games.

Yet Eric Raglan loves sports.

And that's what is so sad.

"My favorite thing in the whole world is sports," said Raglan, 9, while sitting on the bench at his soccer game. "And I may not be the best now, but I know that if I keep working hard I'll be able to be a professional one day like Derek Jeter and Peyton Manning."

"It doesn't matter how hard Eric works, he's going nowhere in sports," said the boy's soccer coach, Sara McLain. "He struggles just to stay on his feet when he runs. He usually misses the ball when he tries to kick it. He's asthmatic. He has no vision, no natural aggression. He's got nothing going for him."

McLain says that at first day of practice, she actually thought Eric was physically disabled.

"I asked around," she said. "No, it just turns out he's the worst athlete ever."

Eric's parents have tried to steer his interests away from sports to anything that won't taunt his physical limitations his entire life.

"Music, art, science camps — we've tried everything," said Eric's mother, Cathy Raglan. "We tried fishing. Turns out fishing is definitely a sport because Eric sucked at it. He kept hitting himself in the back of the head with the fly."

But the more people try to pull him away from sports, the more Eric is drawn to them.

"I love sports more than anything," he said. "And when I keep growing and get bigger and stronger, I'm going to be really good. You'll see."

Eric's father says he wants to apologize in advance to everyone his son encounters athletically along the way.

"Please know that I've done my best to steer him away from sports," he said. "I can't forbid him from playing. I can't do that to my son. But I can apologize to every rec league softball team he dooms, for every family reunion volleyball game he destroys and for every pool table he rips. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for my son that he's destined to a life of heartbreak and disappointment."

The power numbers are too good to be true. Ten to 50 times their weight. Really? Ants can carry that much? Okay. I'll buy that. It's been proven.

But can ants lift that much naturally? Pffft. Yeah, I don't think so.

Don't forget: we told ourselves we wouldn't be fooled again by eye-popping stats. Yet here we are again — this time giving ants a free pass.

Not on my watch.

Where's the proof, you ask? Where's the proof that ants are using PEDs? Well, it's in the same place the proof on Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens is kept: in our minds. In our common sense.

Those guys never tested positive for steroids and there is no picture or video of them injecting anything into their bodies. Yet we are all 99-percent sure they cheated.

With ants it should be 100-percent. For all the amazing feats that Bonds, McGwire and Clemens did on the field, could they lift 10 to 50 times their body weight? Some 2,250 to 11,250 pounds? Of course not. Not even close. Yet an ant will traipse across your picnic blanket holding a small pebble, just flaunting its strength. No remorse. No shame. No respect for the insects that came before it.

Yet you may wonder: "Why would ants cheat? What would they have to gain from it?" Oh, I don't know … ever hear of something called ANT FARMS??? Yes, ant farms. Thousands of children all across the country have ant farms in their bedrooms — where it's nice and warm and safe all year round. As though that's not more than enough impetus for an ant to leave its natural surroundings full of prey and dirt, where they are left to suffer through nature's winter, hard rains and intense heat. In an ant farm, in your children's room, all is well.

And therein lies the biggest problem: the children. Won't you consider the children? They are our biggest concern. We can't have these artificially-enhanced nuisances living amongst our most precious and innocent citizens, poisoning their values. There could be hundreds of these depraved insects in an ant farm upstairs in little Bobby or Suzy's room right now. Would you let the 1990s Texas Rangers stay in your child's room? Of course not. They sucked. And they were on a lot of steroids, too.

We're onto you ants! Do you hear us? Look at me and listen. Do you need me to hold up this magnifying glass so you can see me?

Oh … oh, this is awesome. They're smoking! I think I heard that one scream! Ha!

So maybe these steroids-using ants aren't our biggest problem. What we need to focus on first is building bigger magnifying glasses. And then I'm taking one to a major league baseball game.