News The secret sporting lives of the "Jersey Shore"
Even die-hard "Jersey Shore"fanatics may be surprised to learn that cast member Sammi “Sweetheart” played four seasons of NCAA Division III soccer as a midfielder for William Paterson University.
Even more surprising is that her housemates have all had similar forays into the sporting world. Here’s a look at the guidos’ and guidettes’ athletic exploits.
Cast Member: Sammi Sweetheart
Sport: Soccer
Secret Ability: Although she might not have been the most physically gifted, Sammi could whine, pout, and flop for calls with a shamelessness that even the Italian national team envied.
Eventual Downfall: Quit the team mid-game after a coach gave her an encouraging pat on the back. Left the stadium in tears, yelling: “No! You just traumatized me! No man will ever lay a hand on me like that again!”
Video Man Deadlifts 329 lbs, Passes Out
"He muttered something about fulfilling his purpose in life, and that was it."
News Hunter Mocks Slain Deer with Celebratory Dance
Hunter Jonathan Frederick celebrated his shooting of a 10-point buck on Monday by executing a 20-second celebratory dance directly in front of the deer, mocking it as it lay dying.
"I've been waiting for the right opportunity to unveil that dance," said Frederick, of Ambler, Wisconsin. "I really showed that deer what kind of hunter he was dealing with."
Frederick's routine opened with numerous hip thrusts and climaxed by holding his fingers up to his head like they were deer antlers before grabbing at his heart and falling to the ground.
"I could tell by looking into the deer's eyes that when I did that last part he was pretty angry," said Frederick. "If he wasn't two or three breaths away from dying, I'm sure he would have jumped up and gored me. But that's why it was so fun to do because he wasn't able to. His last memory in the world was of me mocking him. Boo-yah!"
The 28-year-old construction worker has been practicing a kill dance since last deer season.
"I'm a big football fan, and I love how those guys dance it up after they score a touchdown or make a big tackle. I wanted to bring that to hunting," he said. "I also wanted to erase the memory of that doe I shot last year who gave me a really condescending look as it died. I promised myself I would never be disrespected by a deer like that again. Pheasants, too."
Walter Reman, the director of the Wisconsin Game Commission, says that while dances such as Frederick's are not condoned, they are also not illegal.
"There's really nothing we can do to stop it," he said. "All I know is that back in my day, hunters didn't act this way. But now with their fancy Under Armour camo and their GPS devices … the sport has changed. And not for the better either. These guys aren't in it for the hunt or the meat. They just want to be famous."
Frederick admits he is trying to market himself.
"Next deer I get I'm going to film my dance and put it on YouTube," he said. "I want to be the Ocho Cinco of hunting. Maybe I can get a jerky endorsement or something."
News Decade Rewind: The Year 2008
TOP STORIES OF 2008
> New England Patriots go 18-0 and roll into the Super Bowl as huge favorites — Yes, they did.
> The New England Patriots lose the Super Bowl — So awesome.
> Nothing else really comes to mind — At least nothing that compares to 18-1.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
Rodney Harrison would have been there in time to break that pass up. But he thought Eli Manning was getting sacked so he took a moment to inject some steroids.
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"I want to bring hope to America not seen since the Super Bowl on February 3rd." — Sen. Barack Obama
News Decade Rewind: The Year 2007
TOP STORIES OF 2007
> Florida's Tim Tebow is the first sophomore to win the Heisman Trophy — Tebow was also the first tight end to win the Heisman.
> Florida wins its second consecutive men's basketball championship — Unfortunately, the team's long runs in back-to-back post-seasons left them with horrible inner thigh chafing from their jorts.
> Roger Federer wins his fifth Wimbledon in a row — Perhaps even more impressive, Federer somehow made winning five consecutive Wimbledonsincredibly boring.
> Red Sox win World Series again — A four-game sweep over the Rockies gave Boston it's second World Series in four years, but only it's third in 90 years, for an average of just one every 30 years — exactly on average for a 30-team league. No fan base has suffuhd mah!
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
Noted commercial pitchman Peyton Manning won a Super Bowl in 2007. Yet despite his high-profile and willingness to give out advice like in the above video, it was his head coach, Tony Dungy, who became humanity's go-to source for advice by the end of the decade.
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
What we can't see is the wanking motion he's making below the camera's view.
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
[Something in Japanese, loosely translated to: "Suck my full-sized Japanese nuts. You'll never pass me."] — Sadaharu Oh, to Barry Bonds
News Man Playing Among Boys Plays Like Man Among Boys
Twenty points, 15 rebounds and 12 blocked shots — not a bad effort by one player in a pick-up basketball game that ended with a score of 25-14, even if it was by a 34-year-old man playing against a bunch of 10, 11 and 12-year-olds.
“Wooooo! I was feeling it today,” said Scott Patterson, a laid-off construction foreman. “Nothing like a nice pick-up game to work off some stress. Did you see me out there? I was dominating. It’s not everyday you play so well that your opponent starts crying, I don’t care who they are.”
While Patterson was happy with the game, his opponents were not.
“He broke my glasses,” said one.
“He wasn’t nice at all. And he smelled like a hoagie,” said another.
“When he missed shots, he would say I hacked his arm,” said another. “I couldn’t even reach above his waist.”
Even one of Patterson’s teammates in the 3-on-3 game at the neighborhood park says he was reduced to tears.
“He was hogging the ball and it was the ball my gramma got me for Christmas,” said 10-year old Jimmy Peters. “And he kept saying bad words when he would block their shots like: ‘Don’t bring that weak s-h-i-t in here! H-E-double-hockey-sticks, no!’ He is a mean man. I didn’t like him.”
While some might criticize a man for competing all out in a game against boys, Patterson will not apologize for his play.
“I just like to compete against anyone, anywhere and at anytime,” he said. “That’s why I came to the park and played those boys. I love sports, I love competition. And, also, I’m a pedophile.”
News Decade Rewind: The Year 2006
TOP STORIES OF 2006
> Barbaro is injured — The Kentucky Derby and Preakness champion breaks its leg at the Belmont Stakes, leading to an outpouring of support and emotion via get-well cards and letters from across the world. Probably an even bigger story in 2006? Millions of people think horses can read.
> Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth on the career home run list — The accomplishment was celebrated throughout the country as Ruth, an adulterous drunk who benefited by never having to face pitchers of color, got pushed farther down the all-time list.
> Steve Nash, a Canadian, wins his second consecutive NBA MVP — Canadian Joe Thornton also won NHL MVP, Canadian Justin Morneau won MLB MVP, Canada won 24 medals at the Torino Olympics, and Canada kindly invited the United States to suck the maple syrup off of it's giant, beaver pelt-covered balls.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
So this is not officially the clip of Zinedine Zidane head-butting Italy's Marco Materazzi in the World Cup final. But this looks a lot cooler.
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"We would have made a play, but we thought the officials might overturn it. So instead we just punted a lot and let Pittsburgh score. Unfortunately, that strategy backfired." — Mike Holmgren, Seahawks head coach, following Super Bowl XL
News Decade Rewind: The Year 2002
TOP STORIES OF 2002
> Brazil wins World Cup — Brazil wins the World Cup for a record fifth time by beating Germany, 2-0. Ronaldo was awarded the Golden Boot for leading all scorers with eight goals and, coincidentally, hooked up after the match with a tranny in gold boots.
> MLB All-Star Game ends in a tie — After 11 innings are played and the managers run out of pitchers, commissioner Bud Selig decides to end the game in a tie. It's too bad the All-Star Game didn't determine home-field in the World Series in 2002 because we would have seen our first 8-game World Series.
> Patriots upset Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI — On a last-second field goal by Adam Vinatieri, the Patriots pull off a shocking upset of the St. Louis Rams. The outcome made former Rams coach Dick Vermeil cry. As would have any outcome.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
We talkin' 'bout immortal.
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"I couldn't imagine someone like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Olympic luge." — President George W. Bush
News Decade Rewind: The Year 2001
TOP STORIES OF 2001
> Michael Jordan returns to the NBA — After a three-year retirement from the game, Michael Jordan returned to play for the Washington Wizards. He understandably thought he was still good enough to play if pieces of crap like Kwame Brown were getting drafted No. 1 overall.
> Barry Bonds hits 71 home runs — Bonds crushed the single-season home run record. Unfortunately, it was marred by steroids allegations, as Bonds could have hit many more if so many pitchers weren't on PEDs.
> Tiger Slam — By winning the 2001 Masters, Woods became the first golfer in history to hold four major titles at once. Woods later became the first golfer in history to have 12 girlfriends at once.
> Dale Earnhardt, Sr. dies — In a seemingly innocuous crash in the Daytona 500, the racing legend passes away, leading to increased safety measures in NASCAR. At long last, the circuit decided that mustaches did not provide enough cushioning to the head in high-speed impacts.
> Hasim Rahman beats Lennox Lewis — Heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis loses his heavyweight championship to Rahman, a journeyman fighter, on April 22. It would be the last positive press for a while in the United States for someone with a Muslim name.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
After 21 years of failing to win a championship as the face of the Boston Bruins, Ray Bourque got picked up by a big budget team at age 40 and got to win a Stanley Cup as a bit player. So heart-warming!
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
Maybe this guy should have closed Game 7 of the 2001 World Series. He couldn't have done any worse.
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"It is an honor to be the No. 1 overall pick in the draft. That's why I wore my finest dog-pelt suit." — Michael Vick
News 10 Last-Minute Gift Ideas for Sports Fans
Christmas is almost here. Many of you may be done all of your shopping, but chances are you still need a gift or two.
Well, you're in luck! Here are some great last-minute gift ideas for the sports fan on your list.
1. Utility infielder — Great for the baseball fan who has everything! Utility infielders aren't too expensive, take up very little space, hustle on every play, and usually don't care if you forget to play with them. Also, many are bilingual! (Chewing tobacco purchased separately.)
2. Complete crap — On a tight budget? Do not fear! Buy a complete piece of crap. Like, say … a plastic cup. BUT — now here's the trick — slap some sort of NASCAR sticker on it. Lookie there! You ain't got yourself crap no more! You got yourself a guldarn collectible!
3. Sports arena — If size isn't a concern, consider purchasing a sports arena. The Pontiac Silverdome in Michigan is the former home of the Lions and Pistons; it hosted a Super Bowl, NCAA Tournament games, the NBA All-Star Game, even World Cup matches. And it recently sold for $583,000. So it's off the market, but in this economy you can probably get any other sports venue in Michigan for that price or cheaper. Wait until you see the look on your loved one's face when you tell him his flag football league will now be playing all of their games at Ford Field!
4. "Training a Tiger: A Father's Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life" by Earl Woods — Another great gift if you're on a budget! You can probably find this on any bargain rack or in any book store dumpster. And so what if no one has time to read books anymore? Just tell your friend to read the part about raising a winner in golf. The life part obviously doesn't have any good tips.
5. Shake Weight — From tennis and golf, to baseball and hockey, your active sports fan needs strong forearms. So buy them the Shake Weight! But do not be fooled by imitators. Such as the Masturbator 5000. Or the Practice Whack. Or the Giant Vibrating Dildo.
6. Football snack helmet
It looks like a regular football helmet, but lift off the top and — voila! — it's has a compartment for holding chips and dip! The one pictured here has chips in it. But I like to fill my football snack helmet with guacamole. It reminds me to be grateful that the players I'm watching are suffering debilitating concussions for my entertainment. Thanks, fellas!
7. Customized Fathead
Think you need to be a famous athlete to get a Fathead? You are wrong! WRONG! Now you can upload any picture and have it made into a customized Fathead! Consider getting one done of your sports fan friend! It will be just like him. Only life-sized!
8. Nothing
You're looking to buy a gift for a sports fan? What, are you gay or something? That's so gay, man. They just wanted to watch the game, kick back and have a few beers with you, complain about how their girlfriend doesn't get them, and jump up and down together and hug after a score. And maybe wrestle on the floor some with your shirts off. You know, if you're up for that. Your gift could totally gay all that up.
9. NFL shaft cooler
So maybe you do still get a gift. And after all that wrestling, your friend might need a shaft cooler.
10. Book an athlete appearance
Many sports stars are available for public appearances and, for the right price, would surely come over on Christmas morning. Interested in getting Darrell Waltrip? He's available for $50,000-plus. Too rich for you? Then how about Josh Davis for $5,000-$10,000? That gets you some guy who I never heard of, but apparently won some swimming medals 13 years ago. Awesome! Or, better yet, pop on over to Motivational-Celebrity-Speakers.com where they are still booking events for Kirby Puckett. Really. It's the magic of Christmas!
