Twenty points, 15 rebounds and 12 blocked shots not a bad effort by one player in a pick-up basketball game that ended with a score of 25-14, even if it was by a 34-year-old man playing against a bunch of 10, 11 and 12-year-olds.
“Wooooo! I was feeling it today,” said Scott Patterson, a laid-off construction foreman. “Nothing like a nice pick-up game to work off some stress. Did you see me out there? I was dominating. It’s not everyday you play so well that your opponent starts crying, I don’t care who they are.”
While Patterson was happy with the game, his opponents were not.
“He broke my glasses,” said one.
“He wasn’t nice at all. And he smelled like a hoagie,” said another.
“When he missed shots, he would say I hacked his arm,” said another. “I couldn’t even reach above his waist.”
Even one of Patterson’s teammates in the 3-on-3 game at the neighborhood park says he was reduced to tears.
“He was hogging the ball and it was the ball my gramma got me for Christmas,” said 10-year old Jimmy Peters. “And he kept saying bad words when he would block their shots like: ‘Don’t bring that weak s-h-i-t in here! H-E-double-hockey-sticks, no!’ He is a mean man. I didn’t like him.”
While some might criticize a man for competing all out in a game against boys, Patterson will not apologize for his play.
“I just like to compete against anyone, anywhere and at anytime,” he said. “That’s why I came to the park and played those boys. I love sports, I love competition. And, also, I’m a pedophile.”
TOP STORIES OF 2006
> Barbaro is injured The Kentucky Derby and Preakness champion breaks its leg at the Belmont Stakes, leading to an outpouring of support and emotion via get-well cards and letters from across the world. Probably an even bigger story in 2006? Millions of people think horses can read.
> Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth on the career home run list The accomplishment was celebrated throughout the country as Ruth, an adulterous drunk who benefited by never having to face pitchers of color, got pushed farther down the all-time list.
> Steve Nash, a Canadian, wins his second consecutive NBA MVP Canadian Joe Thornton also won NHL MVP, Canadian Justin Morneau won MLB MVP, Canada won 24 medals at the Torino Olympics, and Canada kindly invited the United States to suck the maple syrup off of it's giant, beaver pelt-covered balls.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
So this is not officially the clip of Zinedine Zidane head-butting Italy's Marco Materazzi in the World Cup final. But this looks a lot cooler.
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"We would have made a play, but we thought the officials might overturn it. So instead we just punted a lot and let Pittsburgh score. Unfortunately, that strategy backfired." Mike Holmgren, Seahawks head coach, following Super Bowl XL
TOP STORIES OF 2002
> Brazil wins World Cup Brazil wins the World Cup for a record fifth time by beating Germany, 2-0. Ronaldo was awarded the Golden Boot for leading all scorers with eight goals and, coincidentally, hooked up after the match with a tranny in gold boots.
> MLB All-Star Game ends in a tie After 11 innings are played and the managers run out of pitchers, commissioner Bud Selig decides to end the game in a tie. It's too bad the All-Star Game didn't determine home-field in the World Series in 2002 because we would have seen our first 8-game World Series.
> Patriots upset Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI On a last-second field goal by Adam Vinatieri, the Patriots pull off a shocking upset of the St. Louis Rams. The outcome made former Rams coach Dick Vermeil cry. As would have any outcome.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
We talkin' 'bout immortal.
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"I couldn't imagine someone like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Olympic luge." President George W. Bush
TOP STORIES OF 2001
> Michael Jordan returns to the NBA After a three-year retirement from the game, Michael Jordan returned to play for the Washington Wizards. He understandably thought he was still good enough to play if pieces of crap like Kwame Brown were getting drafted No. 1 overall.
> Barry Bonds hits 71 home runs Bonds crushed the single-season home run record. Unfortunately, it was marred by steroids allegations, as Bonds could have hit many more if so many pitchers weren't on PEDs.
> Tiger Slam By winning the 2001 Masters, Woods became the first golfer in history to hold four major titles at once. Woods later became the first golfer in history to have 12 girlfriends at once.
> Dale Earnhardt, Sr. dies In a seemingly innocuous crash in the Daytona 500, the racing legend passes away, leading to increased safety measures in NASCAR. At long last, the circuit decided that mustaches did not provide enough cushioning to the head in high-speed impacts.
> Hasim Rahman beats Lennox Lewis Heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis loses his heavyweight championship to Rahman, a journeyman fighter, on April 22. It would be the last positive press for a while in the United States for someone with a Muslim name.
HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR
After 21 years of failing to win a championship as the face of the Boston Bruins, Ray Bourque got picked up by a big budget team at age 40 and got to win a Stanley Cup as a bit player. So heart-warming!
PICTURE OF THE YEAR
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
"It is an honor to be the No. 1 overall pick in the draft. That's why I wore my finest dog-pelt suit." Michael Vick
Christmas is almost here. Many of you may be done all of your shopping, but chances are you still need a gift or two.
Well, you're in luck! Here are some great last-minute gift ideas for the sports fan on your list.
1. Utility infielder Great for the baseball fan who has everything! Utility infielders aren't too expensive, take up very little space, hustle on every play, and usually don't care if you forget to play with them. Also, many are bilingual! (Chewing tobacco purchased separately.)
2. Complete crap On a tight budget? Do not fear! Buy a complete piece of crap. Like, say a plastic cup. BUT now here's the trick slap some sort of NASCAR sticker on it. Lookie there! You ain't got yourself crap no more! You got yourself a guldarn collectible!
3. Sports arena If size isn't a concern, consider purchasing a sports arena. The Pontiac Silverdome in Michigan is the former home of the Lions and Pistons; it hosted a Super Bowl, NCAA Tournament games, the NBA All-Star Game, even World Cup matches. And it recently sold for $583,000. So it's off the market, but in this economy you can probably get any other sports venue in Michigan for that price or cheaper. Wait until you see the look on your loved one's face when you tell him his flag football league will now be playing all of their games at Ford Field!
4. "Training a Tiger: A Father's Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life" by Earl Woods Another great gift if you're on a budget! You can probably find this on any bargain rack or in any book store dumpster. And so what if no one has time to read books anymore? Just tell your friend to read the part about raising a winner in golf. The life part obviously doesn't have any good tips.
5. Shake Weight From tennis and golf, to baseball and hockey, your active sports fan needs strong forearms. So buy them the Shake Weight! But do not be fooled by imitators. Such as the Masturbator 5000. Or the Practice Whack. Or the Giant Vibrating Dildo.
6. Football snack helmet
It looks like a regular football helmet, but lift off the top and voila! it's has a compartment for holding chips and dip! The one pictured here has chips in it. But I like to fill my football snack helmet with guacamole. It reminds me to be grateful that the players I'm watching are suffering debilitating concussions for my entertainment. Thanks, fellas!
7. Customized Fathead
Think you need to be a famous athlete to get a Fathead? You are wrong! WRONG! Now you can upload any picture and have it made into a customized Fathead! Consider getting one done of your sports fan friend! It will be just like him. Only life-sized!
You're looking to buy a gift for a sports fan? What, are you gay or something? That's so gay, man. They just wanted to watch the game, kick back and have a few beers with you, complain about how their girlfriend doesn't get them, and jump up and down together and hug after a score. And maybe wrestle on the floor some with your shirts off. You know, if you're up for that. Your gift could totally gay all that up.
9. NFL shaft cooler
So maybe you do still get a gift. And after all that wrestling, your friend might need a shaft cooler.
10. Book an athlete appearance
Many sports stars are available for public appearances and, for the right price, would surely come over on Christmas morning. Interested in getting Darrell Waltrip? He's available for $50,000-plus. Too rich for you? Then how about Josh Davis for $5,000-$10,000? That gets you some guy who I never heard of, but apparently won some swimming medals 13 years ago. Awesome! Or, better yet, pop on over to Motivational-Celebrity-Speakers.com where they are still booking events for Kirby Puckett. Really. It's the magic of Christmas!
Joan McPhail, a 48-year-old divorcee, has been living for some time in the basement of her son David, a professional sports blogger, according to published reports.
“I had fallen on some real hard times of late, man” she said.“I had been laid off from my job as a nurse, but thankfully, David was there to offer me a foldout couch down in his cellar.There’s also a ping pong table, and an extra computer for me to use, which is cool.”
However, David McPhail told reporters he is not exactly pleased with the arrangement.“She said she’d only be here until she got back on her feet.That was a YEAR ago.A freaking year.This isn’t a hotel.”
Joan McPhail, who often asks her son for money and subsists mainly on a diet of pizza rolls and Tato Skins, defended her extended stay in her son’s basement.“He knows I’m good for it.I’m working on something really big.You’ll see.When this thing I’ve got cooking hits, we’re all gonna be living in mansions.”
“She’s been saying that for months now,” said David.“Yet I constantly go down to the basement and she’s playing Call of Duty 2.I found weed in the couch yesterday.I just wish she had a bit more direction in life.That’s all.Look at me!I got a job.I work 9-to-5 for Football Outsiders and FOX.I made something of myself.You don’t see me lying around wasting my life.”
However, Joan McPhail counters that David shouldn’t be so hard on his own mother.“I’m his flesh and blood.I don’t see what the big deal is.He’s Mr. Big Shot Blog Guy, with this big house and all this food.What does he care if I chill for a bit?I just wish he’d get off my back.”
She then rolled her eyes.“I’m telling you, when I get into this glass blowing school next month, David will see that I haven’t been wasting my life.You watch.”
MILLERSVILLE, PA > Field hockey
Krupa, 34, a single mother of two and a sophomore at Division II Millersville, scored four goals to lead the Marauders to a 6-4 win over Susquehanna to win the PSAC championship and was voted team MVP by her teammates. This is partly due to her scoring prowess, but more because of the fact that she hosts a party at her house after every win and buys everyone beer.
Congratulations to the Clemson Cameltoe Team for finishing strong.
Picture Teen Wolf Halloween Costume
Later that night he was surfing on top of cars. He's currently in the ICU at the local hospital.
Philadelphia lost the World Series to the Yankees. This just days after Philadephia again made the list of cities with the ugliest citizens. Absurd! Philadelphia is full of beautiful people, especially its famous sportsmen. Take a look.
I mean BEHOLD!
Anyway, I could go on. And on. And on and on and on.
But I think I've made my point. Philadelphia is full of super-hot people, or my eyes weren't burned out by Cheez Whiz.