Christopher Heck, a finalist at this week's Scripps National Spelling Bee, was eliminated when he was unable to spell the word "girlfriend." Bee champion David Galldor then clinched the title by successfully spelling "autochthonous," a word meaning "indigenous."
Heck, 13, gamely tried to spell "girlfriend" for several minutes, asking its origin (English), definition ("a favored female companion or sweetheart") and its use in a sentence. Bee Master Michael Winchester provided Heck with the sentence "You will never have a girlfriend," prompting the boy to break into tears and run off the stage.
Heck's mother, Bonnie, who homeschools her three children in the dining room of their Peoria, Illinois, home, said this is not the first time her son has been tripped up by a seemingly simple word.
"Last year in the Illinois state competition he was knocked out when he failed to spell 'popularity' correctly," she said. "It was a word he had no concept of or experience with."
Spelling Bee officials say it is an unwritten rule that Bee Masters do not ask spellers words that may have negative emotional connotations for the children.
"It is our goal to not upset the children or remind them of their status as social outcasts," said Beth Riley, director of the Spelling Bee. "That why you'll never see words like 'dork,' 'gayboy,' 'nerd,' 'wedgie,' or 'loser' in the Spelling Bee. These kids hear those words enough on a day-to-day basis and don't need to deal with hearing them in the one place their special talents are celebrated."
Riley also stated that while such words may be simple for most people to spell, they can provide an enormous challenge to even the best child spellers.
"You have to realize what these kids go through each day at school or out in public," she said. "If you ask them to spell a word like 'queerbate,' a lot of them will freeze up because of all the emotional baggage they have tied to a word like that. They're completely unable to spell it, and many of them will wet their pants upon hearing such words. I've seen it happen. It's like a Pavlov's queerbate dog response."
Heck claims the Spelling Bee was only the second time he ever heard the word "girlfriend."
"I once heard it on television when I was staying at my cousin's house while my mother was giving birth to my little sister, so I know what it means," he said. "But that was the only time. We don't have a television at my house because my parents say TV is for proletariat ignoramuses."
Bee Master Winchester has been reprimanded about his choice of context sentence for Heck's word.
"I apologized to Heck for making him cry," said Winchester. "I didn't mean to do it, I just couldn't find the paper with the context sentence, so I simply said what came to my mind first. I looked up at that kid and all I could think was: 'You will never have a girlfriend.' I'm sorry he took it so personally."
He doesn't land it, but it's impressive that he survived the 60 foot drop at all.
We are about to say goodbye to three more conference finalists. Their seasons will end with a loss. Outside of a championship win, it's the only way a team's season can win.
But TV shows can end a season several different ways. Here they are. With a look at how they might work in sports.
A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.
“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”
The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.
“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.
With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.
“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.
Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”
Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.
“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”
With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.
Picture Motocross Coming At the Camera
Say hi to his front wheel and goodbye to your face
Professional athletes have a lot going for them. Fame. Money.
What they often don't have is a way with words. Especially around the opposite sex.
As evidence, here are the go-to pickup lines from 12 of your favorite athletes.
An expansive, 15-year study on the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs has found that heavy use of such substances by athletes can lead to a wide array of side effects – most notably: worldwide fame and more money than one person could ever spend in a single lifetime.
“I want every child and teenager out there to know that using steroids can have a major impact on their lives,” said Dr. James O’Connor, who led the study at Harvard. “They might just think they’re taking steroids to perform better in JV football or baseball. But what they’re really doing is charting a life course that includes a career in professional sports, millions of dollars, fame, sex with beautiful women and also possibly some liver and kidney damage. But those last two aren’t guaranteed.”
Other possible side effects include breast growth and testicular atrophy among men, heart damage and even a possible link to some cancers.
“It can be a pretty ugly outcome,” said Dr. O’Connor. “Thankfully, most heavy users have become so rich playing baseball and football that they have the absolute best health care available. So they rarely get those illnesses. Although they do get STDs. We found sexual diseases are fairly prevalent among the rich and famous, what with all the carefree, random sex they have with absolutely amazing looking people. I mean, you should see the tail that steroids users get.”
Armed with the troubling results from the study, Dr. O’Connor hopes to receive funding that will raise awareness of the effects of steroids use among teenagers.
“I want every high school locker room in the country to have a poster in it with a picture of Shawne Merriman or Andy Pettitte or Rashard Lewis with the tagline: ‘Do You Want This To Be You?’” said Dr. O’Connor. “I can’t think of a clearer message.”
Picture Sweet Stiff Arm
How's your face, bro?
There are many ways to stereotype someone. Most of them are wrong and unfair.
Except for one: your favorite team.
The team you choose to root for says a lot about you. In fact, it says everything about you. Here are a few examples.
Oh, girls basketball players what will you try next?