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No, this parent is not a ham radio enthusiast. That weird looking box thing they carry with them at all times is a portable defibrillator … and it might just save your child's life!

A youth soccer game might not seem like a heart-stopping event, but they read this one story on the Internet somewhere. There's also this other story they heard from the parent of an opposing player, that's why they also bring that bag full of instant cold packs, smelling salts, and assorted foods that are high in electrolytes. You can tell their kid from the others because he's the one playing a non-contact sport with a helmet on and drinking a Gatorade made specifically for marathoners.

Favorite thing to say while watching from the bleachers: "(Gasp!) My baby!"

Not only has he been named "Dad of the Year" (unofficially via coffee mug) for making it to every one of his son's games, he's also won numerous regional amateur photography awards for the pictures taken at said games.

Growing up, his parents never supported his passion for photography, and his wife always said it was stupid — so a state-of-the-art-camera was the obvious choice when it came to buying himself a gift to celebrate his 50th birthday/divorce. Believe it or not, but photographing his own kid playing tennis hasn't helped him much financially, so he's looking to "branch out" and do some weddings and other events.

No, really, here's his card. Take it. Tell your friends.

Favorite thing to say while watching from the bleachers: "Here's that 8×10 action shot of your kid you never asked me for."

Thanks to the success of the new play "Lombardi," which is about the life and career of Green Bay Packers' coaching legend Vince Lombardi, Broadway is rushing the production of several more sports-themed plays and musicals.

Shawn Bradley

OFFICE: Utah House of Representatives

RESULT: Defeated

IMPACT: Utah voters did not care for Bradley's pledge to make Utah the first state to classify dunking on someone a hate crime. Many also saw his run at the state legislature as a calculated stepping stone for an attempt in 2012 to take on Utah incumbent governor Uwe Blab.

Linda McMahon

OFFICE: U.S. Senator from Connecticut

RESULT: Defeated

IMPACT: The rejection of a wrestling candidate may slow the momentum of Chyna's presidential bid. McMahon's defeat also likely ends steroids manufacturers' hopes of receiving federal funds. McMahon has blamed her defeat on the "mean-spirited" press, specifically Mean Gene Okerlund.

OUT: David (flu), Kevin (hungover), Denise ("flu," but probably has an interview), Rick ("flu," but voice sounded way fake on his voice mail), Katie (personal day (explosive diarrhea?)), Luke (mental health day), Amy (huge zit between her eyes), intern (another abortion).

QUESTIONABLE: Mary (runner in her pantyhose), Felix (thinking of playing golf today since it's unseasonably warm), Jon (all his clothes are dirty), Sharon (cankles), Wanda (struggling to think of a reason to get out of bed), Darryl (sick, but knows he's close to getting fired as is and can't push it), Jen (is having, like, the worst day ever), Ryan (major herpes flare up).

PROBABLE: Roger (drunk), Dan (sick, but doesn't have high-speed internet at his apartment and wants to check out some stuff on YouTube), Lisa (flu, but could apparently give a crap about the rest of us), Bill (home life is terrible), boss (might accompany the intern to her abortion, but probably not).

#1 — The Potty Putter

Forget reading the paper or gathering your thoughts; the time you spend on the toilet gives golfers a valuable opportunity to work on their putting. The Potty Putter comes with its own putting surface, cup, and toilet-sized putter to let lavatory linksmen perfect their putts while atop the throne. (Provided they really, really struggle with two-foot gimme putts.)

The only problem here is that you probably won't be able to sit on a toilet with your pants around your ankles and use a miniature putter when you're on an actual green, but nobody said making the Ryder Cup team was going to be easy. Lugging a toilet for 18 holes seems like a small price to pay to curb all those double bogeys.

#2 — Jumpsoles

Jumpsoles bill themselves as "the world's most popular tool for increasing your vertical jump," and they even guarantee an increase of 5-10 inches in your vertical leaping abilities. Of course, that will still leave you 70 to 80 inches short of what you'll need to jump over the people who will want to kick your ass when they see you wearing them.

You see, Jumpsoles shift your body weight onto your calves while conveniently also making you look like an idiot with giant, mutant shoes.

Don't take our word for it, though. Check out this commercial. Who needs Kobe Bryant jumping over an Aston Martin when you can have some random kid bounding over a 1999 Honda Accord?