Filed Under » Minnesota Vikings

Our reporter spent the day at Minnesota Vikings training camp in Mankato, Minn. Here are his notes.

> Brett Favre may not know all the Vikings plays yet, but he has had no problem so far adapting them to his style of play. Regardless of the call, he just drops back, runs around in a circle a few times, spots the receiver farthest down the field and then throws the ball as high and as far as he can. And the good news for the Vikings: with Favre's aging eyes and weak, old man arm, he's normally hitting a receiver only 10 to 15 yards downfield — just the conservative approach this team needs! Great signing.

> Based on Brad Childress' dishonest handling and undercutting of Tarvaris Jackson, it's obvious he is a racist who hates black people. No, that's not fair. I'm kidding. I can't say that for sure. And don't forget Sage Rosenfels also was handled unfairly. So it's blacks and Jews that Brad Childress hates. That one's a definite. Pass it on.

> First round draft pick Percy Harvin is an explosive wide receiver with a troubled past. But let's cut the kid a break. Consider his life story: He was born in 1988 when Brett Favre was the starting quarterback for Southern Miss, so he has absolutely no recollection of football without Brett Favre. Poor kid. F—king tragic.

> I spotted a luxury bus parked outside the fence at Vikings practice. Beside the cruiser was a large, elderly man peering through the fence and masturbating while Favre went through his reps.

> It's hard not to look at Brett Favre in a Vikings helmet and see the horns as the horns of a demon. Or maybe Satan, Prince of Darkness, himself.

> Vikings owner Zygi Wilf wouldn't tell me what the "W" stands for, but I told him no thanks on the "ILF" part.

Less than 20 minutes after rolling off of his wife and kissing her goodnight, former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre is seriously considering a return to her body for one more go.

“I thought I had my fill,” said Favre. “But I’m still a relatively young man. There are still some things I can do. Still some things I can accomplish. I don’t think I want to go out the way I did.”

The Favres had quite a romp in bed throughout the night, but just when things looked to be set up perfectly for his wife to achieve orgasm, Favre blew it with a disastrous premature ejaculation.

“We had a great ride, but it ended terribly,” he said. “I have always liked to push it and go right up to the edge, but sometimes I go too far. That’s why I’ve had a fair number of premature ejaculations in my career. But I have also given some amazing orgasms, too.”

In the minutes after their disappointing finish, Favre’s wife tried to gauge her husband’s interest in returning for one more try. He quickly turned her down.

“It was a long haul and I was mentally and physically drained,” said Favre. “I had shot my load. And I honestly didn’t feel like doing it all over again. I was content with how I left things. I just wanted to relax and maybe watch some TV.”

But soon Favre started to feel the desire to get back on and go.

“I love it – what can I tell you?” he said. “I love the excitement. I love the sweat. I love getting cheered on to succeed. There’s nothing I like more. I just have a strong, deep desire inside of me. And it’s usually exhibited by an erection.”

But despite Favre’s desire to give it one more try, his wife isn’t so sure.

“I had some decisions to make and I had to move on. I couldn’t lay here and wait,” she said. “I think I was pretty close to something great back there, so I decided to turn to this vibrator I got a few years ago and see if it could finish the job. It’s not Brett Favre, but I think it will do a fine job. Ohhhhhh, yes. It’s doing quite nicely. Ohhhhhh my yes. I mean, I guess Brett can come back if he wants to, but the job isn’t necessarily his anymore. Oooooooh. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yessssss!”

Brett Favre clarified his decision to retire permanently from football today, saying he will step away from the game each week during the season from Monday through Saturday, only to briefly unretire for a few hours each Sunday afternoon to play for the Vikings.

"This allows me to sort of tell the truth for a change because, technically, I will be retired for 99-percent of every week. So suck on that, critics," said Favre. "Plus, I get to play, only I don't have to take part in practice or talk to anyone on the team. It's really the best of both worlds. I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago."

Vikings head coach Brad Childress, who only 24 hours ago thought he would be playing the season with Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels at quarterback, is ecstatic about Favre's new decision.

"I'd love to have him with us all week like a normal player," said Childress. "But Brett made it clear the last few years that the normal rules don't apply to him. He does what he wants. And I'm happy he'll be doing what he wants for us."

The future Hall of Famer won't be practicing with his Vikings teammates before Week 1 — or anytime after that — but Childress isn't worried the lack of familiarity will negatively impact Minnesota's offense.

"It's not like Brett was going to learn our playbook anyway," said Childress. "He's just going to run around back there and chuck it as far down the field as he possibly can. He's sort of a hybrid of the negative qualities of Tarvaris and Sage that way — only he has something very special they don't: the universal love and respect of the media. That's huge in leading a football team to a championship."

Favre said he plans to hold a tearful retirement press conference each Sunday afternoon and then leak rumors to the press throughout each week that he is unretiring, followed by a dramatic unretirement ceremony before every game at midfield before kickoff.