Filed Under » Mike Krzyzewski

With the new Iron Man movie,Iron Man 2, set to hit theatres next month, rumors are already circulating about possible storylines for the third installment, set to be released in 2012. One rumor, which has been making the rounds on the internet for weeks, was confirmed today by Marvel Studios: the main villain inIron Man 3will be none other than ultra-evil Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski.

Producer Susan Downey said they wanted to create a character that was “the living, breathing personification of evil.”

“For the final installment of the trilogy, we wanted to up the stakes a little bit,” Downey said. “We wanted to create a villain that was so evil, so unscrupulous, and so universally loathed that audiences would shrink in fear at the sight of him. After much brainstorming, we settled on Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski. Actually it wasn’t that much brainstorming. We all just blurted out his name at the same time.”

Downey said the diabolical and merciless Coach K would provide the most daunting challenge for Iron Man yet.

“Coach K is really going to challenge Iron Man,” said Downey. “He is going to be cunning, he is going to be relentless, he is going to swear a lot and he is going to have a seriously obnoxious group of nerdy geniuses following him around everywhere. Man, I’m getting the chills just thinking about it.”

No decision has been made as to who will play Krzyzewski inIron Man 3,but among the names being mentioned are Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe. Another option is a CGI rat-man. The plot, according to director Jon Favreau, will revolve around Krzyzewski’s plan to knock the planet off its axis with a powerful magnetic device designed by his cadre of whiny nerd followers.

“I don’t want to give away too much, but yeah, it’s going to be Coach K trying to destroy the earth with a big magnet,” he said. “How will Iron Man defeat this menacing villain? How will he stop Coach K from bringing the planet to its knees? You’ll have to wait until 2012 to find out. Oh, and the whole thing’s going to be in 3D so those horrible, beady eyes will look like they’re burning right through you.”

Krzyzewski said he was aware of the movie and gave his blessing to the use of his name and image.

“I think it will be a great thing for our program,” said Krzyzewski. “That kind of exposure can only help us with recruiting. Sure, it portrays me as an evil monster bent on destroying the world, but there are two sides to every story. My followers in the movie have all graduated from college. That means a lot. And if I was afraid of being portrayed as an evil monster, I never would have become a college basketball coach.”

Just months into his freshman season with the Blue Devils Duke freshman forward Mason Plumlee is starting to suspect that Coach Mike Krzyzewski might be a total dickhead.

Despite Krzyzewski’s pleasant, fatherly demeanor throughout the recruiting process, Plumlee says that the coach’s formerly upright behavior underwent a marked change once the highly touted young forward arrived on campus.

“When he was recruiting me, Coach K just smiled and told my mom how character was the most important thing to him,” Plumlee said. “Now I’m starting to wonder if he was the one who ran over our dog that day and just didn’t say anything.”

Plumlee said that he expected for Coach K to nurture him as he develops his game, but he’s skeptical of some of what the coach considers fundamentals, a list that includes pressure defense, never tipping more than eight percent, and saying Coach isn’t around right now if Trajan Langdon calls to ask for a job.

Plumlee added that Krzyzewski’s “nearly constant” torrent of sneers, verbal abuse, and requests to bum cigarettes without ever buying a pack of his own are making the forward question whether his coach is really the man the public thinks he is.

“Some of Coach’s motivational tactics confuse me a little,” says Plumlee. “Earlier this season, he took me aside and asked if it would be cool if he hooked up with my ex-girlfriend. He said, ‘I don’t want to date her or anything, just fool around with her a little.’ I guess he was just trying to inspire me to play better, but I didn’t really get it.”

Plumlee also bristles a bit each time he walks by Krzyzewski’s Lexus, which is always double-parked in a handicapped spot because, according to Plumlee, “Coach says, ‘What, you think someone’s going to towme?’ And he’s got a point. Especially since his vanity license plate is FUK-YOU.”

Even when Krzyzewski is apparently being nice, Plumlee still gets the sinking feeling that the coach is a dick.

“He gave an orphanage a donation check for five-hundred grand when I was in his office one day. When they left I said I hoped I could afford to be that generous some day, and Coach just laughed and said, ‘Lemme teach you a little something about charitable donations,’ and called his bank to stop payment on the check,’” said Plumlee.

Plumlee tried to talk to the coach about some of these concerns during an elevator ride at a team hotel last month, but the meeting didn’t go as planned.

“Coach was fooling around on his BlackBerry the whole time I was talking. When I realized he wasn’t paying any attention, I asked if he was too busy to talk. He said he was just really trying to beat his high score on Tetris,” remembered Plumlee. “Then he farted and held the ‘Door Close’ button for like five minutes.”

Despite his worries that his coach is a jerk, Plumlee still believes in Krzyzewski’s coaching abilities.

“It’s hard to question his credentials when he keeps showing you his gold medals from the 2008 Olympics,” concedes Plumlee. “I’m not sure why he’s got two of them, though. I think he said he swiped the second one out of Michael Redd’s suitcase.”

When reached for comment, Krzyzewski confirmed most of the behavior Plumlee described, but offered some justifications for his actions.

“Sure, a lot of other coaches don’t cheat at poker on the team plane, but when I send my players out into the world, they’re armed with more than just a jumpshot,” explained Krzyzewski. “They’re armed with the knowledge that they should never, ever tell the woman they’re sleeping with their real name.”