Filed Under » Michael Vick

Watch this (hat tip:Hot Clicks):

I can only think of a few things that would be as awkward.

- wearing a Donte Stallworth jersey while riding the go-carts

- wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey while playing a shooting game at the arcade

- working at the park's dining hall as a turkey carver while wearing a Ray Lewis jersey

- wearing an Eagles coaches jacket to the park while your kid tries to smuggle drugs in his rectum past park security

- wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey anywhere in public

I guess it's all just another day at Six Flags Over Bad Newz Kennels.

Eagles head coach Andy Reid and owner Jeffrey Lurie say they are terrified that their controversial new player signed his contract with the team in dog's blood.

"It was a dark red ink," said Reid.

"And a really strange consistency," added Lurie.

"Also, he dipped his quill pen into a an ink container labeled DOG'S BLOOD and then signed the contract with it," continued Reid.

"Yeah, that part raised some flags with me, as well," said Lurie.

Team management says they still support Vick, even though they are growing more and more certain that his new two-year contract may now contain DNA evidence of a crime.

"Michael says he has changed, Tony Dungy and Roger Goodell vouched for him and he served his time," said Reid. "That's good enough for me. Still, though — I'm positive that was dog blood. There has to be some sort of explanation for this."

Lurie agreed.

"Michael Vick is a changed man," said the owner. "He looked me in the eye and said he has changed. My guess for the explanation — and this may sound far-fetched — is that he used to use dog blood ink back when he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing. And he probably had some leftover ink and thought it would be a symbolic way to turn the page and show that he has blood on his hands. Right? That's the only explanation, no? It was old ink."

Vick disagreed.

"The f—k it was," he said. "That wasn't old dog blood. That sh!t was fresh. Do you have any idea how quickly dog blood ink dries up and is unusable? Like, two days. Three max. I killed a dog on the way in here to get me that ink. Right outside the stadium."

"Ohmigod!" exclaimed Lurie. "Where's my Ginger?! Has anyone seen Ginger?"

With Michael Vick facing the biggest interview of his life this week with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell,new accusations have been levied against the one-time NFL star Michael Vick. According to numerous sources, Vick has worn shoes made from the skin of murdered cows for the entirety of his college and professional career.

“Yes, it’s true,” said Vick’s attorney, Roger Martin. “We maintain that he sincerely regrets his role in the dogfighting ring, but he does have a history of wearing cow flesh on his feet. He’s not proud of it, but I think this admission proves that we have nothing to hide. Ohmigod … did I say hide? That was totally unintentional. Honestly. I'm not trying to make light of this with a poor pun. Please believe me. I don't want Roger Goodell to think we think this is funny.”

But while Vick’s camp admits to his dark history of wearing discarded animal hides, the story is not likely to die there.

“These cow skins he has been wearing are taken from cows that were systematically slaughtered for use of nothing but their skin,” said a source within the federal prosecutor’s office. “We think this shows a pattern of animal cruelty in Michael’s past. Many of the cows had their neck’s slit or were electrocuted or shot – methods no less cruel than how Michael and his friends executed their dogs.”

Many of Vick’s supporters say the troubled quarterback is being singled out for something that many people take part in.

“Wearing shoes made of cow skins is a cultural thing,” said Vick’s brother Marcus. “There are parts of the country where dogfighting is not a big deal. Just as there are other parts of the country were slaughtering cows in order to make comfortable, stylish footwear is accepted, too. I doubt Goodell is going to show up to their meeting wearing shoes and a belt made out of recycled newspapers, you know?”

Marcus Vick's statement suggests his brother may also wear some sort of animal flesh around his waist.

What: To a meeting to discuss your reinstatement into the the NFL now that you are out of federal prison for running a dogfighting ring!

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When: Friday, July 24, 2009 — at Noon sharp!

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Where: The offices of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell — 280 Park Avenue, 15th Floor, New York, NY!

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What To Bring: Sincere remorse. And an appetizer! And if it's nice, your swim trunks!

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What Not To Bring: Dog pelts or dogfighting paraphernalia! Strippers. Also, nothing with peanuts. (Roger is allergic!)

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RSVP: Through your agent by Thursday, July 23rd!

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Hope to see you! Be there or be in the UFL! (LOL!)

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