August 6, 2012

News Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps Agree to a Match Race in a Marsh

Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps Agree to a Match Race in a Marsh - Image 1
The two dominant Olympic athletes of the 21st Century are set to decide once and for all which man is the fastest in the world. Swimmer Michael Phelps and sprinter Usain Bolt will go head-to-head on September 1st in marshland near Jersey City, NJ. No money is on the line; only the title of world's fastest man.

"I'm excited to take on the best," said Bolt. "It's a terrain that is fair to both of us. I hope to come out on top."

Phelps and Bolt both dominated their opponents for the second consecutive Olympics in London — prompting supporters of both Olympians to make the case that their man was the greatest of the generation. With that debate as a backdrop, Bolt's representatives reached out to Phelps' people to discuss a possible showdown.

"I was in immediately. I can't wait to race Usain," said Phelps. "I have a lot of respect for him. I'm confident I can still have a good race in three to four feet of water and mud. It will be a new challenge."

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August 03, 2012

Picture Michael Phelps Has a Revelation

Greatest female athlete ever.

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July 30, 2012

Picture The Real Reason for Michael Phelps' Decline

Subway destroyed his poo.

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July 19, 2012

News Home Depot Shift Manager Starting to Think Michael Phelps isn't 100% Focused on His Job

Home Depot Shift Manager Starting to Think Michael Phelps isnt 100 Focused on His Job - Image 1
Gary Heckerdt has worked at Home Depot since 1998, moving his way up from a part-time staffer to shift manager at the Towson, Maryland, location.

"I know most people don't necessarily dream of working at Home Depot, but it's a good job. And they offer benefits and everything to full-time employees," said Heckerdt. "I'm proud to work here."

That's why Heckerdt bristles at fellow employees who don't give their all when it comes to providing customers with the best possible experience while purchasing home improvement and construction goods. One particular employee, Michael Phelps — who works 3 to 9 pm, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday under Heckerdt — has recently drawn the ire of his boss.

"This guy is getting ready for some swimming competition and he seems to think that's more important than helping customers in aisles 9 through 17," said Heckerdt. "He needs to look at it like this: while swimming is important to him, it's not to the woman who is simply looking for the best deck protector. In fact, to that customer, water is the enemy."

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May 18, 2012

News Slumping Michael Phelps Nearly Drowns During 200-Meter Butterfly

Slumping Michael Phelps Nearly Drowns During 200-Meter Butterfly - Image 1
Following two second place finishes last weekend at the Charlotte Grand Prix event, 14-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps struggled even more today at the Miami Swim Nationals, nearly drowning to death after diving into the pool for 200-meter butterfly qualifying.

When the gun sounded to start his heat, Phelps dove into the pool and then didn't resurface for several seconds. He then appeared at the top of the water, wildly flailing and gasping for air, before dropping below the top of the water again. Lifeguards and paramedics then dove into the pool and pulled Phelps out, where mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was conducted.

"All athletes go through slumps," said Gary Mourning, Phelps' coach. "Just look at Albert Pujols. The London Olympics are still two months away, so I am fully confident that Michael will be back in form by then."

Phelps spoke to reporters briefly from his hospital bed at University of Miami hospital.

"I just need to focus on the fundamentals," he said. "You know, not swallowing water, moving my arms and legs in a controlled manner so I don't fall to the bottom, that sort of thing. I'll get through it."

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April 30, 2010

Picture "O's, bro. O's."

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