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Oooooooh! That's a naughty word.
That's 52% off misery!
Miami's Giancarlo Stanton fouled off a pitch in on the hands in the fourth inning, shattering the bat and forcing the team to complete the game using just the handle. Following the game, the team decided it would cease all operations until they can get a new bat or a used, but intact bat, as was the case with the team's previous model.
"All we can do right now is wait and hope for the best," said manager Mike Redmond. "I've put in a request to Mr. Loria for a new bat. We'll see what happens."
It's unlikely Redmond's request was met positively by Jeffrey Loria, the team owner. Wooden baseball bats, even used ones, cost in the tens of dollars. This fact is why Loria gave the team explicit instructions on the first day of spring training not to break the bat. "This is the only one you're getting all season," he reportedly told the team. "You need to learn how to respect property. Money doesn't grow on trees."
During that same address, Loria informed his players they would be getting paid this season in leaves.
"They have been very active throughout the league making it know they are looking to do sign-and-trades," said one AL Central general manager. "I haven't talked to a free agent yet who hasn't been contacted by the Marlins. They have money to spend, it's just that they will then trade the player for prospects and cast-offs a week or two later."
According to Mike Moye, Josh Hamilton's agent, the Marlins have offered his client "a very generous 7-year deal," which is for more years than the Rangers will go. "The one hang-up is that Josh has to waive his no-trade clause so the Marlins can dump him. Josh doesn't want to be stuck playing in Kansas City or San Diego or some baseball hell like that."
Miami owner Jeffrey Loria denies that his team is looking to acquire top free agents, only to immediately flip them.
"There is no way we would sign someone and then immediately trade him," said Loria. "We would keep these players at least through Opening Day so we can sell season tickets off of their names. Then, when our fans are duped, trade them."
Picture New Mexico Hates Canada
Not surprising. They had a choice to go by New Canada or New Mexico and chose the latter.
"Yeah, suck on that, you fkers!" Guillen yelled, peeling out of the parking lot in his Camaro. "Viva la Castro! Viva la revolucion!"
Guillen got off to a bad start in Miami in a preseason interview in which he stated that he respects Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. The manager later backed off of those comments under pressure, but his actions on Tuesday suggest his opinion hasn't changed.
The combative manager also took out a full-page ad in today's Miami Herald in which he thanked the citizens of Miami for his time in their "shit town full of disgusting Cuban sandwiches that taste like pig assholes. Drown yourselves in the filthy ocean waters of South Beach. Fidel > Miami."
"Miguel Cabrera likely peaked this year," said Marlins general Michael Hill. "Whereas the guys we got in return have yet to do anything. You could say they're full of potential."
In December 2007, Cabrera was packaged with Dontrelle Willis to Detroit with Cameron Maybin, Burke Badenhop, Dallas Trahern, Eulogio De La Cruz, Andrew Miller and Mike Rabelo heading to Miami. While Cabrera matured into perhaps the best hitter of his generation, none of the five players the Marlins received are still even with the team. Maybin is a Padres outfielder, Badenhop pitches middle relief for the Rays, Miller and De La Cruz are Triple-A pitchers for other organizations and Trahern and Rabelo are out of baseball.
"First of all, let's not forget that Dontrelle Willis' career nosedived," said Hill. "So we totally won that part of the deal. And when we ended up dumping Maybin, Baden and Miller, we got players such as Ryan Webb, Edward Mujica, Jake Jefferies and Dustin Richardson. Now, you may say: 'Those guys you got in return suck major ass' or 'I never heard of any of them.' And that's fine. But maybe we'll somehow trade one of those guys for a future Hall of Famer."
In a press conference following Tuesday's loss to the Braves, the outspoken skipper went on an extensive, oftentimes nonsensical rant about the merits of the incandescent light bulb. Members of America's Amish community have since voiced their extreme offense over his remarks.
"We are shocked and saddened at the lack of sensitivity Mr. Guillen displayed towards the Amish people in his recent comments," said Jakob Yoder, a national spokesman for the Anabaptist church. "In bringing praise to the evil that is electric luminescence he has brought shame and mockery to those of us who have resisted its scourge."
While many of Guillen's remarks are too vulgar for print, his most incensing commentary contained implications that those who do not embrace light bulbs are inferior to those who do.
"I love light bulbs. You know why? A lot of people wanted nothing to do with them when they were first invented, and now 130 years later those [expletive] are still here," mused Guillen. "Only savages don't love light bulbs. Without light bulbs, how would anyone play baseball at night? They couldn't. Anyone who can't appreciate heating a filament wire until it produces glow is an enemy of innovation and a traitor to the progress of humanity."