Filed Under » Memphis Grizzlies

The NBA decided to scrap the Memphis Grizzlies organization last night midway through the third quarter of the team's 2010-2011 opener at the downtown FedEx Forum.

As Grizzlies guard O.J. Mayo was dribbling up the court on a fastbreak, NBA commissioner David Stern walked to center court and asked for everyone's attention. The confused players slowly stopped playing and gathered around Stern.

"Yeah, I've got some bad news," said Stern. "The Grizzlies don't exist anymore as of … O.J.? You want to make that layup first?"

Mayo attempted the layup, but missed.

"Well, that's fitting," continued Stern. "Anyway, as of now, the Grizzlies don't exist anymore. Just wanted to let you know. Okay then. Have a good night."

On the heels of the news that Lebron James would be switching numbers beginning next season, Memphis Grizzlies forward Rudy Gay has filed the requisite paperwork to change the name on the back of his jersey. As is the case with James's decision, the move is widely speculated to be a marketing ploy.

Despite a high-profile college career at UConn and a productive four-year NBA career, Gay ranked second-to-last in jersey sales last year, with only three being sold: one to a gay Grizzlies fan, one to a Memphis college student who was drunk, and one to Grizzlies equipment manger Scott Fiore who misplaced Gay's real jersey before a game last year against the Sixers.

"It was really embarrassing for me to have to do that," said Fiore. "Not losing his real jersey. That happens from time to time. But going up to our team store and actually purchasing it. I said I wanted a number 22 jersey, just trying to get in and get out without getting noticed. But the sales lady was all like: 'You mean a GAY jersey? Really? A jersey with GAY on it? That's what you want? A GAY one. You want a GAY jersey, is that correct, sir? GAY?' Really loud so everyone could hear."

The NBA league office confirmed that Gay, whose jersey sales rank behind only Warriors reserve swingman Demarcus Longtaint, would be making a switch, but refused to disclose what the new name would be. A source within the Grizzlies organization stated on the condition of anonymity that Gay was deciding between "Pussyslayer", "Thundercock", and the Chinese character for virility.

Gay will unveil his new jersey name at a press conference this Friday, to be held at the Platinum Rose gentlemen's club in downtown Memphis.

Grizzlies forward Zach Randolph had the best shooting night of his career last night at Senses, a nightclub in downtown Memphis.

“Oh my God, it was incredible,” said patron Gabby Smith. “He was on fire tonight. It was like he couldn’t miss.”

Indeed, Randolph shot an incredible 12-for-12 with his Glock automatic handgun, even hitting a difficult bank shot that caromed off a steel beam and blew off the finger of a cocktail waitress, just before police arrived.

“I’ve never had a night like that,” said an exhausted but ecstatic Randolph. “I just got into that zone, and suddenly everyone’s head was, like, THIS BIG. Sometimes the stars align and you end up taking down twelve a—holes who totally had it coming.”

Randolph’s friends said they never saw this performance coming from Randolph. “He must have had thirty beers before we went out tonight, “said friend Juan Davis. “And he was totally out of shape, too. But then we got to the club, and he took out his gun, and it was like you flicked a switch. Just an amazing night to be a part of.”

Randolph says he can’t guarantee his hot streak will continue, but that he’ll keep trying. “You never know,” he told reporters afterwards. “You have a shooting night like this, maybe it’s an omen of good things to come. I mean, I was hitting people from inside and outside. It definitely makes you think someone is up there guiding you. And your hollow-point bullets.”

Allen Iverson, whose time with the Memphis Grizzlies lasted just three games, has fired God as his agent — the deity Iverson credited for bringing him to Memphis.

"God chose Memphis as the place I will continue my career," Iverson wrote on Twitter back in September.

Now he wishes he had never been mixed up with God.

"He promised me everything if I just listened to Him," said Iverson. "He promised me heaven. He promised me eternity. And then I get to Memphis and I'm sitting on the bench? That's a long way from heaven."

Iverson, a 14-year NBA veteran, says he should have known better than to get himself mixed up with God.

"There are so many agents out there who promise you things they just can't deliver on," said Iverson. "They have no track record, no experience. I should have sniffed it out. It was a rookie mistake. It's not like God is placing his clients in all of these great places. Definitely not in the NBA. And, hell, even in other sports. Even Kurt Warner plays for the Arizona Cardinals, man."

Iverson also didn't care for God's insistence that he tithe 10-percent of his income on top of his 10-percent agent's cut.

"Do you want to know His second choice after the Grizzlies?" Iverson said. "He wanted me to play in Israel.Israel, man, Israel. He was talkin' bout Israel. Not in the NBA, not in America. Israel."