News Houston Texans Achieve Highest Power Rankings Spot in Franchise History
Many said it could never be done. But the Houston Texans used that doubt to fuel them and this week, for the first time in franchise history, earned a Top-5 spot in an NFL power rankings — earning the No. 3 spot on the SI.com rankings with a 2-0 record.
"You set goals at the beginning of the season, but I don't know if even we believed this would really happen," said triumphant head coach Gary Kubiak. "I'm just happy for the whole organization. It's a special day."
Picture Former Heisman winner Eric Crouch is now an analyst for Versus and a hedgehog.
Opinion The 15 Worst Sports Movie Casting Decisions
Kurt Warner's wife wants Denzel Washington to play her husband in his biopic. Jonah Hill is cast as Paul DePodesta in the upcoming Moneyball movie. Neither of those are jokes.
Let's take a look at the worst casting decisions in sports movie history.
News Every show on HBO is already about the Jets
HBO has debuted it’s new season of “Hard Knocks,” this year focusing on the New York Jets.
Boring.
Almost every show on HBO is already about the New York Jets.
- – - –
“Deadwood” – A foul-mouthed man with a troubled past runs things in a town full of unsavory characters.
Alternate title: “Rex Ryan and the New-Look Jets”
“Big Love” – A man juggles relationships with numerous women while trying to forge a career in a competitive and high-stakes career.
Alternate title: “The Mark Sanchez Story”
“Hung” – A man with a large penis decides to share it with the world.
Alternate title: “Santonio and The Cell Phone Camera”
“Six Feet Under” – A family learns about life and love through the prism of death.
Alternate title: “A Family of Jets Fans Watches Another Disappointing Season”
“Sopranos” – A charismatic fat man struggles to lead the family business.
Alternate title: “Ryans”
“Entourage” – A bunch of overrated douchebags live it up.
Alternate title: “Braylon Edwards and His Friends”
“Tales From The Crypt” – A rotten corpse hosts terrifying tales.
Alternate title: “Mark Brunell’s Stories of the Redskins”
“Real Sex” – A look at truly amazing sexual lifestyles.
Alternate title: “The Life And Times of Antonio Cromartie”
“Arli$$” – A completely awful pile of crap that may have a few moments of humor but is mostly just depressing and soul-crushing to watch.
Alternate title: “The History of the New York Jets”
Video It's the blind interviewing the blind
Oh, SporTV. This would never happen in America. We don't let blind people on TV unless they can sing.
Video It's the Blind Interviewing the Blind
This would never happen on American TV. We only let blind people who can sing on the air.
News Sample headlines from the French sports newspaper L'Equipe
L'Equipe is a newspaper. A daily newspaper. All about sports. In France.
Yes, there is a daily newspaper dedicated to French sports. What kind of coverage could L'Equipe possibly provide each day? Here are some recent headlines, translated.
News There's not much on Versus right now.
The Stanley Cup playoffs are over. College football and basketball are long gone. The Tour de France isn't starting for a few weeks. It's a dead season for the Versus Network.
So dead, yes, that they're eagerly awaiting the start of a long bicycle race. Exciting!
Just take a look at the network's actual schedule for the next 12-plus hours …
>> 7:00 p.m. — Whacked Out Sports
Actual show description: Skiing bloopers; a boxer gets a jolt; motorcyle hunting season.
Why you might watch: You don't have a computer or Internet access and, therefore, no YouTube. Or, you can get on YouTube, but feel the site's biggest failing is that their videos aren't narrated by a really annoying person.
>> 7:30 p.m. — Whacked Out Sports
Actual show description: Roller girls.
Why you might watch: You like girls, preferably when they're rolling. And you don't have a girlfriend right now, let alone one who is rolling.
>> 8:00 p.m. — Whacked Out Sports
Actual show description: A rolling race car; pit stop in paradise.
Why you might watch: Still no YouTube, still no girlfriend. But that's okay because all you want to do, apparently, is sit on your couch and watch Whacked Out Sports. These sports are just so darn whacked out!
>> 8:30 p.m. — Versus Movie: "Tin Cup"
Actual show description: Comedy about a talented but aimless golf instructor (Kevin Costner) who enters the U.S. Open in a drive to win the heart of a student (Rene Russo).
Why you might watch: You are devastated about the destruction in the Gulf and feel that if the broadcast of a Kevin Costner movie gets good ratings, maybe that will compel the Administration to let Costner unleash his water-cleaning devices in the region. Also, Rene Russo kind of used to be hot in an unattractive way.
>> 11:00 p.m. — The Daily Line
Actual show description: A look at the night in sports, including viewer comments and questions.
Why you might watch: You want to see if Jenn Sterger will read your e-mail because this time you submitted one that didn't include a crude comment about her breasts.
>> 12:00 a.m. — World Extreme Cagefighting
Actual show description: Scheduled: Brian Bowles vs. Dominick Cruz in a bantamweight battle in Columbus, Ohio.
Why you might watch: Because, dammit, non-extreme cagefighting is full of pussies.
>> 2:00 a.m. — The Daily Line
Actual show description: A look at the night in sports, including viewer comments and questions.
Why you might watch: Jenn Sterger didn't read your e-mail. So now, during the rerun of the earlier broadcast, you're going to get her back by masturbating to her breasts.
>> 3:00 a.m. — paid programming
Actual show description: n/a
Why you might watch: Shamed by masturbating to a sports show, you decide you need to turn your life around. And the Mighty MendIt is just the thing to set you on the right path.
>> 4:00 a.m. — Hunt for Big Fish With Larry Dahlberg
Actual show description: A Hall of Fame fisherman finds and catches fish of all species.
Why you might watch: The hell? There's a fishing Hall of Fame? You gotta see this.
>> 4:30 a.m. — Quest for the One
Actual show description: Expeditions to remote areas to look for the largest fish and game on the planet.
Why you might watch: Wait. You mean to tell me Hall of Fame fisherman Larry Dahlberg didn't catch all the world's fish yet? You gotta see this.
>> 5:00 a.m. — Maui Jim's Pacific Expeditions
Actual show description: Fishing, hunting, whale watching and other outdoor pursuits in Hawaii.
Why you might watch: Can Maui Jim hold a candle to the great Larry Dahlberg? You gotta see this.
>> 5:30 a.m. — Into the Blue
Actual show description: Fishing adventures across the United States.
Why you might watch: Enjoy this show while it's still around. Soon there won't be any fish left near the United States. Also, maybe there will be a guest appearance by Larry Dahlberg!
>> 6:00 a.m. — paid programming
Actual show description: n/a
Why you might watch: So what if this guy has crazy glasses and a suit coat covered in question marks? He's making a lot of sense and you need to listen to him.
>> 7:00 a.m. — Babe Winkelman's Good Fishing
Actual show description: Fishing spots in North America.
Why you might watch: We didn't kill Canada's fish. Yet.
>> 7:30 a.m. — Sports Soup
Actual show description: A humorous take on everything in sports, from the athletes to the reporters covering them.
Why you might watch: To see if it is as awful as you remember it.
>> 8:00 a.m. — The Daily Line
Actual show description: A look at the night in sports, including viewer comments and e-mails.
Why you might watch: Masturbating is as good a way to start the day as any. It's not like you've got a job or anything to go to anyway. You're sitting around watching Versus.
News Craig Sager Conducts Postgame Interview in a Suit of Armor
TNT sideline reporter Craig Sager conducted his postgame interviews last night following the Suns-Lakers game in a vintage suit of armor, reportedly from 1500s France.
"He did?" said Suns point guard Steve Nash, who was interviewed by Sager. "I honestly didn't notice. It seemed like something he normally wears. Huh."
Sager said he purchased the suit from the Phoenix Museum of History a few hours before the game.
"I was on my way to Dumbo Jim's Costume Shop to get a new suit — it's one of the best men's clothiers in the country — but happened to walk past the museum on my way and saw that suit of armor in the window," said Sager. "I knew I had to have it. They don't make suits that shiny anymore."
Just $40,000 later, the suit was his and he set off to a welder to get it fitted in time for the game.
"You have to raise your game for the playoffs, just like the players do," said Sager.
With that in mind, and with only a few games left in his season before ABC takes over basketball for the NBA Finals, Sager says he has the rest of his outfits already planned.
"Game 5 is a Hazmat suit, Game 6 I'll be dressed as an astronaut," said Sager. "And, if it goes seven, I'm wearing my birthday suit. But I'll have tassels on my nipples. You know, for decency."
Video If this horse racing announcer was a horse, he would be put down
I mean, just listen to this guy's ridiculous voice. Absurd! (VIDEO)
