Filed Under » Matt Leinart

The Matt Leinart-Arizona Cardinals relationship is reportedly about to end. According to sources, the Cardinals want to rid themselves of the quarterback because they believe he can't be trusted and may have given them herpes.

"You want to trust a guy. You want a longterm relationship and then this happens," said head coach Ken Whisenhunt. "We never got a venereal disease from Kurt Warner, I'll tell you that much."

The state of Arizona deported Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart to Mexico today in a blatant move to build support for its unpopular new illegal immigrant law.

And the move seems to be working.

"This new law is incredibly racist and un-American," said Luis Perez of Tucson. "I am a legal U.S. citizen and I have been stopped on the street and asked to produce identification. But, hey, that's something I'm okay with if it means Matt Leinart isn't our quarterback next year."

Arizona's new law attempts to crack down on the number of illegal immigrants living in the state, but it is likely unconstitutional and has been met with widespread public outrage. Leinart was born in California to American parents and has no Mexican heritage.

"Whatever," said Arizona Gov. Brewer. "All the people of Arizona know is that Matt Leinart is gone to Mexico and that it happened under my watch. My poll numbers are through the roof."

Leinart was reportedly pulled from his home in Glendale, Ariz., on Sunday night by Arizona state troopers, driven across the border into Mexico and dumped alongside the road.

"Don't never come back! You suck!" witnesses say they heard an officer yell. "You'll never be Kurt Warner!"

To which Leinart reportedly responded: "Chill, brah. Chill."

A spokesperson for the Arizona State Police say no such exchange ever took place.

"Mateo Leinart was taken across the border without incident," said the spokesperson. "Our officers found him asleep in his bed and surrounded by empty tequila bottles. Under the new law, we acted accordingly. Also, Matt Leinart has a career 70.8 quarterback rating over four seasons. With the receivers he's had to throw to?! I mean, is he kidding?! It's almost impossible to be that bad."

Leinart's agent, Mike Ornstein, says he is working to secure his client's return from Mexico.

"Unfortunately, that's looking very unlikely," said Ornstein. "The state of Arizona is very adamant that he never play quarterback for the Cardinals. Also, Matt says he is having a great time in Mexico. He just wants to make sure his checks keep clearing."

According to a Cardinals source, backup quarterback Matt Leinart will announce on Friday that he plans to enter rehab. The announcement will come a few minutes after starting quarterback Kurt Warner announces his retirement.

"Oh, what? Seriously, bro? The old man's quitting?" said a noticeably groggy Leinart on the phone today, picking up after fifteen rings. "Do you know if they want me to play? Sh!t. I was not expecting this. I have no idea where my football is."

If Warner does retire, as expected, the starting job would likely fall to Leinart — the team's first round pick in 2006. But that's only if he can quickly change his lifestyle around and focus on football.

"We need to get him into rehab immediately," said the source, not specifying what kind of rehab. "A little bit of everything. Booze, weed, sex, having stupid friends. You name it. He basically needs to go to a de-douchebagification camp for a while. And then when he comes back, we'll see if there's a quarterback left there."

Leinart says he is motivated to do whatever needs to be done.

"I don't like being a punchline. I want to have success in the NFL," he said. "And starters get way hotter girls. I just need to have one good game to prove everyone wrong and then I can go back to living it up Matty Leinart style. You think coach will let my boy Nick Lachey play receiver? We have sweet chemistry."