Filed Under » Mark Sanchez

Newlywed Kim Kardashian-Humphries has delayed her honeymoon with her husband, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, in order to try to strike up a romance with Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez.

"Life is about always improving yourself, and I will never stop trying to improve my Q-rating," said Kardashian. "Mark Sanchez is much more famous than my guy is and I need to pursue this. If it doesn't work out, and if someone like Santonio Holmes or Darrelle Revis isn't available, I'll meet my husband Kevin somewhere for a honeymoon."

After jumping from relationship to relationship with various athletes, including well-known NFL players Reggie Bush and Miles Austin in the past, Kardashian admits she settled for an obscure NBA role player who lives in Newark.

"For as long as I can remember, my dream has been to marry an NFL star who plays for a top-notch team," said Kardashian. "But I'm almost 31 years-old and I've been cycling through these guys fast without a ring. I'm 10 years older than most of the girls I'm competing with, so I needed to lock something in before it was too late."

But now that Kardashian has an athlete in the bank, she's taking the opportunity to trade up.

"I have feelings for Keith, but Mark would be a significant upgrade," said Kardashian. "He's richer, younger and more famous. That's true love for me. And 'Kardchez' is a much better couple name than 'Humpdashian.'"

Just seconds after their season-opening loss to the Ravens was in the books, New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis pulled quarterback Mark Sanchez aside and told him to leave the team immediately and demand a new contract.

"I told Mark he's not making what he deserves," said Revis. "And that is not a lie. He is not making what he deserves."

The Cincinnati Bengals are hard at work preparing for their upcoming playoff game against the New York Jets but are having trouble finding someone shitty enough to play QB Mark Sanchez in practice, says Coach Marvin Lewis.

So far, the closest they’ve been able to come to mimicking Sanchez poor decision-making, terrible footwork and inaccurate passing has been offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski’s 13-year-old son.

“It’s been a challenge,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Sanchez is a unique player and it’s very difficult to simulate his particular skill set. We tried using our backup quarterback, J.T. O’Sullivan, but even he possesses a rudimentary knowledge of coverage schemes and blitzes, so he wasn’t the right fit. Right now it’s up to Timmy Bratkowski, who has a fairly similar skill set, though he’s not as much of an airhead.”

Aside from O’Sullivan, the Bengals tried using receiver Chad Ochocinco, fullback Jeremi Johnson, and left tackle Andre Whitworth, but none could match the unique combination of confusion and clumsiness Sanchez has displayed during his rookie campaign.

“Chad was a bit too athletic and aware to play Mark,” said Lewis. “And Jeremi, our fullback, had too accurate an arm. Andre was the closest because he had terrible pocket presence and a frantic, confused demeanor, but he still wasn’t dumb enough to stare down every receiver he threw to. But we knew this was going to be challenging going into it. The one thing we have in our favor is that Mark throws about three passes a game.”

If all else fails, Lewis has suggested blindfolding O’Sullivan and binding his feet together.

“It’s something we’ve thought about,” he said. “But in the end, we’re probably just going to stick with Timmy and take our chances. Everybody basically knows how to defend Sanchez anyway. You load up against the run, take away the short pass, and leave Braylon Edwards wide open in the end zone, praying that he throws it to him.”

Some Bengals players have suggested a different way to simulate the Mark Sanchez experience at quarterback.

“Have somebody stand there and hand the ball off,” said Chad Ochocinco. “That’s all you have to do. We don’t really need to ‘prepare’ for their passing game because it’s basically non-existent. Which reminds me – our quarterback hasn’t been so hot this season either. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Jets were using Mark Sanchez to simulate Carson Palmer.”

New York Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez, the toast of the town not long ago, has reportedly gone almost four hours without being serviced sexually by an attractive woman.

"This continues to be an adjustment period for him," said head coach Rex Ryan. "He just needs to take care of his job on the field, and soon the continuous parade of tail will pick back up. I mean, he's still hot, regardless of the interceptions, am I right?"

Sanchez's dry spell came while he was sleeping. But that's no excuse, says the rookie.

"Back in September, I had women — models, working supermodels — waking me up a few times a night to orally service me," he said. "Now a normal night is sex with some reality star. And I'm not even talking crazy stuff. Just … normal sex. Like, Kellen Clemens sex."

Ifthere's a silver lining to the slump, it might be that the extra sleephas allowed Sanchez to rest up, which couldproduce results on the field.

"I've had Marktalk to some veterans around the league like Tom Brady and they all say that if you produce on the field, the sex will take care of itself," said Ryan. "And then I've had himtalk to other guys, like Matt Leinart, and he says thatyou can still get tail, it will just be fat and ugly.Like me in a wig.I don't think Mark wants to go down that road."

Sanchez just wants to get back to winning.

"It's all about the wins and losses," he said. "I don't care about stats. And neither do the women I sleep with. They don't care about quarterback rating. They just want to know they're having a three-way with a winner."