"I am as shocked as anyone, trust me," said Sanchez. "Every day I stay employed as a quarterback is both a blessing and a total and complete surprise. I am also kind of stunned that the Jets are still considered a professional football team."
The Jets had signed veteran quarterback David Garrard earlier in the offseason and drafted Geno Smith in the second round of the NFL Draft, further crowding an already muddled quarterback situation on the team.
"I had an idea that my days were numbered, considering that they wouldn't put me on the field at all last year," said Tebow. "But holy shit, how does Mark Sanchez still have a job? And, yes, I just cursed for the first time in my life. It seems 100-percent appropriate in this situation. Mark Sanchez? Guy fking sucks."
"It's just not something I wanted to do," said Grainger. "I hope there are no hard feelings, but being seen with Mark Sanchez in public in 2013 is about the most humiliating thing I can imagine. Being seen with any Jets player, I just I would never live it down."
Sanchez had sent the 17 year-old several letters asking to take her to prom and also posted a YouTube video in which he said going with her "would be a dream come true and make him the happiest player on the New York Jets."
In place of Sanchez, Kara will go to the prom with her on-again, off-again boyfriend Kyle, a C-student waiting to see if he will get accepted to Rutgers.
"Kyle isn't exactly anyone's idea of a dream date," she said. "But at least he's not seen nationally as symbol of failure. I can't imagine the things people would say to me if I went with Sanchez. 'Hey, Kara, don't let him fumble your butt tonight.' So embarrassing."
Bears: Jay Cutler's locker room ash tray
Bengals: Andy Dalton's soul
Bills: a sandwich bag full of Ryan Fitzpatrick's shorn beard hair
Broncos: two free Papa John's pizzas (cheese only)
Browns: whatever is left in the fridge in Mike Holmgren's old office
Buccaneers: an old pit-stained Rutgers t-shirt owned by Greg Schiano
Cardinals: John Skelton and Ryan Lindley
Chargers: the Eli Manning Chargers' 2004 draft jersey
Chiefs: one game-used football (lightly used, mostly punted)
He wants to make turnovers illegal.
The quarterback understandably sounded despondent in the post-game locker room and took considerable blame for his continued poor play. Social media also tore the quarterback to shreds, but perhaps the harshest critique of Sanchez came on his Wikipedia page, which was edited late Monday night with dozens of anti-Sanchez updates.
Sanchez's place of birth was changed to Stinktown, USA. His weight was edited to "approximate weight of one turd." Under the "Career highlights and awards" headings, three entries were added:
- 4-time NFL's Suckiest Suck Who Ever Sucked Award winner
- voted Most Likely to Just Chuck One Up Into Triple Coverage; and
- named Guy Who Should Have Listed to Coach Carroll and Stayed Another Year at USC, I'm So Screwed Now My Career is Over, My Endorsements Are Gone, I Suck, I'm Done and I'm Only 26, Oh God, I'm the Worst
The edits in the body of Sanchez's page were far less complimentary, and most of those contain too many profanities to reprint.
His awfulness unites us all.
Picture Mark Sanchez ButtFumble Jersey
If he buys a jersey for every classic Jets' failure, he'll have no money left.
He better not let Tebow see him writing F.
"Mark S.? Do I know a Mark S.?" Jets lineman Matt Slauson, who was quoted ripping Tim Tebow's abilities the previous day, wondered aloud. "Who is this from?"
Jets' starting quarterback Mark Sanchez then began clearing his throat loudly and winking in Slauson's direction.
"Oh. Right. Mark SSSSSS.," Slauson said, noticing Sanchez trying to catch his attention. "Gotta love Mark S."
The 12-plus gift baskets suspiciously matched the same number of Jets who anonymously spoke to the New York Daily News yesterday and had negative things to say about Tebow. Sanchez said he didn't make the connection.
"Oh, really? I didn't even see any gift baskets. Gift baskets? I didn't get one. If I was giving out gift baskets, wouldn't I give one to myself? It doesn't even make sense," he said, refusing to make eye contact. "And what's this news story you're talking about? I don't follow the news. And I definitely wasn't one of the 'more than 12' who said negative things about Tim, if that's even what the news story you're referring to was about."