Opinion 10 Proposed Changes to the 2012 NYC Marathon
1. Strap sponges to the bottom of the runners' shoes.
2. Force the runners to carry at least two other competitors so as to not clog traffic.
3. Divert more of the course through Staten Island so maybe some city officials remember that is a place that exists.
Picture Word Cloud of Boston Marathon Men's Winners Since 1991
Kenya has 19, Ethiopia has 2, South Korea 1 and the rest of the world is tied for 4th place with 0.
Picture Motivational Marathon Sign
Good pimps let their bitches run to keep the weight off.
Video Japanese Marathon Runner Needs a GPS
I think the announcer says: "He has brought himself great shame and must die."
Opinion The Internal Monologue of an Unprepared Marathon Runner
Starting Line: This shouldn't be so hard, right? Look at the other people running this: there are a lot of old folks and chubbsy ubbsies. No problem.
5K Mark: Woo-hoo! 5K done! And in just 20 minutes. That would have been, like, good enough to be top-15 in my YMCA's Turkey Trot last Thanksgiving. No big deal.
Mile 4: Why do all women run funny? I swear every one of them has the same gait as a gazelle who's been impaled by a spear, only with more awkward arm-swinging.
Mile 6: All of these people cheering from the sides of the course are really encouraging. If my name was Jenn, Heather, or Sarah and they were yelling for me, it would be at least twice as inspirational.
Mile 7: Just had my first energy gel. It was coffee flavored, and it tasted just like the real thing, except if coffee was a disgusting viscous gel instead of a delicious liquid.
Mile 8: Jesus, it's hard to drink from a tiny cup of water while you're running. This is probably why very few bars feature treadmills.
News President Obama Suspiciously Wins NYC Marathon
"With all of the stress of the midterm elections, it was nice to just come out here and run and compete," said President Obama, who wasn't initially registered for the marathon but received a late waiver. "If I hadn't stopped halfway through for a cigarette, I'm sure I could have done even better."
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs admitted the president had not trained for the marathon, and while Obama often bikes and plays basketball, he has never been into long distance running. But when pressed by reporters, Gibbs quickly dismissed any sort of Kenyan link to the Commander-in-Chief's surprising time.
"Kenyans have only won the New York City Marathon twice in the past six years," said Gibbs. "So I'm as surprised as anyone that the president won. Which … umm, is not to imply that I think he's a Kenyan, because I don't. Because he isn't."
News U.S. Invades Kenya to Ensure Continued Marathon Success
The U.S. military invaded and annexed the Republic of Kenya today in a quick and deadly show of force that American officials hope can lead to continued U.S. success in the sport of marathon running.
The early-morning invasion began less than 72 hours after Meb Keflizighi became the first American to win the New York Marathon in 27 years.
"Meb Keflizighi's victory was an exciting moment and a great source of pride for America," said President Barack Obama, addressing the American public. "And we want more of that. By making Kenya the 51st state in the union, we greatly improve our marathoning depth, and also welcome to the United States the homeland of my father. I join all American citizens in saying welcome to Kenya, and that we look forward to seeing you on the medal stand."
A source within the White House said the president made the decision to invade for three reasons — to prove his willingness to deploy the military, his love of sports, and as a response to the IOC's refusal to give the 2016 Olympics to his hometown of Chicago.
"Don't want to give us the Olympics? Fine. Your choice," said the high-ranking administration official. "Then we're going to take all the best athletes in sports in which we're deficient. Head ups, Canada. We want to win hockey gold in Vancouver."
One reporter overheard Obama speaking on the phone to United Nations head Ban Ki-Moon about the attack after his televised address.
"You know I always favor diplomacy," said Obama. "But sports are different. Ask anyone who has ever played basketball against me. Try to screw with me on the court? Don't call a foul? I will f—k you, Ban Ki-Moon. I will f—k you."
While U.S. forces secured Kenya and its capital of Nairobi within hours, the goal of the mission may not have been met.
U.S. Navy Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, says many of the best Kenyan marathoners got away.
"They started running and even our quick-strike vehicles and airplanes couldn't keep up," he said. "They're all over the border by now."
