"According to my agent, all of the teams backed away from me because they feel I am a 'total and complete moron,' to quote him," said Te'o. "He said they think I'm the dumbest person ever and they say that's even relative to other football players, which therefore and again, I'm quoting possibly makes me the 'dumbest person in the entire world.'"
Tom Condon, Te'o's agent, confirmed teams' sentiments towards the linebacker.
"Wow. Te'o remembered everything I said perfectly," said Condon. "Probably because I spoke very, very slowly and made him repeat the words back to me and also made sure there were no shiny objects in the room when I was talking to him."
Utah is awesome at always being exactly how we'd all expect Utah to be.
"We're just not sure an NFL locker room is ready for, you know one of those," said one NFL personnel director. "We need to know what we could possibly be faced with if he comes out or whatever. I know I would feel a lot more comfortable drafting him if he had a date rape or sexual assault on his record. And to be clear: a rape or sexual assault of a female. Not a male. Definitely not to a male. That would be gross."
That feeling is shared by many throughout the league. Several teams asked Te'o to prove that he is heterosexual.
"I interviewed Manti and wanted to get to that issue without being too direct about it. You know, have to be politically correct or whatever these days," said a scout. "So I called my secretary in and told Manti to grab her ass and say degrading things to her. He refused. So, yeah, that really raised some red flags for me."
He tripped on wait for it wait for it the corpse of his fake dead girlfriend. ZING.
"Jus gimme one sec ," said Te'o, with a pained expression on his face and his chest heaving. "Ahhh I need a few minutes."
Te'o's time was one of the slowest among all linebackers at the Combine and drew disappointed looks from coaches and scouts sitting around the field.
"I can explain ," Te'o muttered, now laying on his back with his arms and legs outstretched. "I just need some water please water."
With a poor performance at the Combine on the heels of questions about his intelligence due to being "catfished" by a fake girlfriend and playing horribly in the BCS title game, Te'o will now have to address many doubts teams have about him. And that's something he plans to do.
"Mmmm. Is this bread? This looks like bread," witnesses say the noted moron said at his seat in the exam room. "Manti hungry. I eat this bread."
Te'o then balled the exam up and began gnawing on it.
"Ouch! Bread bite Manti!" the linebacker exclaimed after he bit his own hand. "No, bread! Why so tasty yet so mean!"
After consuming his exam, Te'o reached for another prospect's exam, but got his hand slapped and recoiled. He then stared out the window and picked his nose until the exam time ended.
Not nearly as terrible as that sounds.
Picture Manti Te'o Hotel Sign
No imaginary friend limit either? That's a great rate.
News Manti Te'o Says He is a Chronic Bedwetter in Attempt to Create Less Embarrassing Narrative About Himself
Couric met Te'o's statement with suspicion.
"Really?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "Well that's maybe a conversation for another time. But let's get back to the issue at hand. Your hours and hours of phone calls with a fake girlfriend who it turns out was a male acquaintance of yours using a fake girl's voice. What about that?"
"Well, Katie," Te'o responded. "What I'd like to really talk about today is not only by incontinence, but also my incredibly small penis. It has a medical name, in fact: micropenis."
Still Couric forged ahead: "I want to stick to the story everyone is talking about, if you will. I know the fake girlfriend is probably more embarrassing for you than your supposed micropenis and how you defecate in your pants, but this is what America wants to hear about."
"I eat my boogers," said Te'o. "It's my primary source of nutrition."
"Manti. Please. Stay on topic," said Couric.
"I'm a furry. I dress up in an animal costumes and have sex with other people dressed as animals," Te'o said. "I enjoy eating gum I found stuck to surfaces in public places. I clean my family's dog with my tongue. I enjoy the music of Nickelback. Anything? Please?"
Whoa. Those women are naked.