The player's attorney filed a petition in Los Angeles Superior Court on Thursday seeking the change. The 31-year-old NBA star was born Ronald William Artest Jr., but has decided he wants a name better suited to his personality.
"My whole life I have been Ron," said the man once known as Ron Artest. "But inside I've always felt like Whoa Hey Lookatme. Or maybe an Everyone Watch This or even Paya Tention Tome. And now I will legally have the name I want," he added while doing cartwheels with a sparkler through Times Square with his pants off.
The Lakers say they have been informed of the change, but have not yet decided if their player's jersey next year will read "Hey Lookatme" or just "Lookatme" on the back. It may not matter, as there are already reports that Artest plans to change his name to Gimme Attention halfway through the season.
"It was a mistake and I'm obviously really sorry," said Brown. "Thankfully, my secretary was able to dump the water cooler on him and quickly put him out. These are the sort of initial problems you have when you start a new job."
The brief burning of franchise player brings more concern about a hiring many Lakers fans and NBA experts found to be questionable and rushed. But general manager Mitch Kupchak isn't ready to pull the plug just yet.
"I'm still gathering all of the details on exactly what happened," said Kupchak. "Supposedly Mike thought his computer was over-heating, so he panicked and decided to start a fire under his desk as a way to balance out the heat in the room or something? And that was when Kobe stopped by. I realize it doesn't look good, but I hope we can all laugh at this one day and say it was all up from here."
Picture Ron Artest Meets His Crazy Equal
"Ron Artest's Punch-Out!!!" would be an awesome basketball game.
From @ShannonBrown AKA Los Angeles Lakers guard Shannon Brown
- - -
"We need Adam Morrison," said Bryant. "We won two championship with Adam. Now we lost and he's not on the team. You don't have to be a basketball genius to explain it. He was our key to success."
Morrison, the 3rd overall pick of the 2006 Draft by the Charlotte Bobcats, played 8 games for the Lakers in 2009 and 31 in 2010, scoring a total of 84 points. He played 13 total minutes in the postseason. He was not re-signed by the Lakers before this season and is out of basketball.
Yet Bryant's Lakers teammates agree that Morrison's absence doomed them not for his basketball talents, or lack thereof, but for the intangibles he provided.
"He was so terrible at basketball that he really kept the locker room light," said Lamar Odom. "When he got into the game, he provided enough material to keep us laughing for weeks. That's invaluable for a team that plays under the kind of pressure we do."
Head coach Phil Jackson says he valued Morrison's presence on the team for motivational purposes.
"If we weren't playing well, I'd call a timeout, gather the team around and say: 'Look at Adam over there! What a pathetic pile of crap he is!'" said Jackson. "'Do you want to end up like him? A nobody? A bust? An NBA punchline? I didn't think so! Now get back out there and stop being a bunch of Morrisons!' That worked every time."
Maybe they mean in next year's playoffs.
I know what Kobe would say: "Fking actors!"
Picture Kobe Bryant is Not a Homophobe
Homophile, yes. Homophobe, no. (via Sportress of Blogitude)