"I didn't feel the trade was fair for the small-market Grizzlies," said Stern. "I mean, looking back, they really got fleeced. So I am voiding the deal for basketball reasons."
The commissioner's decision attaches a huge question mark to the last four NBA seasons, in which Gasol and the Lakers made three NBA Finals and won two.
"I guess that means the Lakers lose those two championship," said Stern. "Or not. I don't know. Maybe we could have a computer simulate those seasons or ask some kid to do it on NBA 2K. There are obviously a lot of questions and I don't have the answers. When you start meddling in things, this is what happens, okay? Just let me meddle."
"At the 5-year and 10-year reunion, I was the life of the party the coolest guy in the room. The guy everyone wanted to see and say hello to," said Bryant. "But, man, a lot has changed since then. I went from the highest of highs to not even having a job. It's humiliating."
Bryant says he knows a lot of the people at the reunion will want to revel in his misfortune.
"You know how high school people are," he said. "They're happy to know you when you're riding high, but they'll stab you in the back if things go south. Everyone is going to want to see jobless Kobe Bryant so they can feel better about themselves and gossip about how I peaked too early in my life. Well, I'm not going to give them that opportunity."
Instead of going to the reunion, scheduled for 8:00 p.m. on Friday at Smithwick's Pub, Bryant said he is just going to bunker down at his mom's house and watch TV.
"I just want to eat ice cream and get fat," said Bryant. "My life sucks."
"There have been rumors that Khloe has moved out of the home she shares with Lamar, taking with her her jewel-encrusted feeding trough and her vast collection of custom-reinforced Spanx," the statement read. "These rumors are completely false."
The couple, who have been married since 2009, have put their private lives on display via several reality television programs on the E! network. Their show KhloÃ© & Lamar, which premiered earlier this year, has kept viewers in the loop about the trials they've faced within their relationship.
"When Lamar said 'for better or worse,' he truly meant it," the statement explained. "And the same goes for Khloe, except she said 'for cheddar or wurst.'"
With the NBA lockout still in effect, Odom has been able to devote greater attention to loving and feeding his wife, who prefers her food blended into a paste so that it can be funneled more efficiently into her eager, salivating maw.
"My girl has done everything for a Klondike bar!!!" Odom recently tweeted.
Jazz seems a bit too exciting for Tim Duncan.
Looks like Landon Donovan is out of a job.
"I don't like using my parking brake because I don't want to wear it out, so I figured having this dude wedged under my tires would keep the car from rolling," said Bynum. "It was only for a couple minutes. I just wanted to get a Snapple."
Edna Sanchez, the elderly, wheelchair-bound woman that Bynum parked on, said she was wheeling through an empty handicap spot in order to get to her car, which was parked one spot over.
"Next thing I know, a car speeds up, slams on the brakes, backs up, points right at me, revs it's engine for a few seconds and then almost jumps right on top of me," Sanchez told an NBC-4 reporter while still under Bynum's car. "It was pretty upsetting. But then after he stepped on my face getting out of the car, I saw it was Bynum who parked on me. So I yelled: 'Go Lakers!'"
Derek Fisher? Ugh. Most boring game ever.
He's the worst standup comedian since Ron Artest.
At this rate of decline, he'll be in a senior home by Tuesday.
Picture Jerry West Gets Planked
Back in his day, "planking" meant "giving the time."