Filed Under » Los Angeles Lakers

Academy Award-winning actor and Los Angeles Lakers superfan Jack Nicholson has been reduced to purchasing tickets to see the Los Angeles Kings after his beloved Lakers were bounced out of the playoffs early for the second season in a row.

"I want my regular seat on the floor for … whatever it is the hockey team is doing. Stanley's cups," Nicholson told a ticket window operator at the Staples Center this morning.

"I'm sorry, sir. But your seat would be on the ice at a hockey game. They're not available," Nicholson was told.

"What? There's ice? Goddamit. Let me speak to Jerry Buss immediately! I want my seats!" screamed the actor.

Nicholson was then informed that Buss is not the owner of the Kings, which prompted him to run his hands through his hair and make angry and exasperated facial expressions for more than 10 minutes. He was then led away by Staples Center security.

Lakers star Kobe Bryant claims teammate Pau Gasol was not brutally murdered and, in fact, immediately flew home to Spain following Los Angeles' season-ending loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder.

"Yeah, I've heard the crazy rumors, too," said Bryant, wiping blood off of his face with a towel while speaking to Oklahoma City police. "I guess because a few people claim they heard screams and saw me attacking Pau with an ax? I don't know. People say crazy things. But, no, right after the game ended, Pau headed to the airport and flew home. He said he was going there forever and would never be back."

Bryant then picked up his blood-soaked axe and held it menacingly in the direction of his teammates: "Didn't Pau say that, guys," Bryant said to them. "Tell the good officers."

Bryant's Lakers teammate, crying and in shock, nodded their heads in agreement.