Filed Under » Los Angeles Lakers

Lakers star Kobe Bryant claims teammate Pau Gasol was not brutally murdered and, in fact, immediately flew home to Spain following Los Angeles' season-ending loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder.

"Yeah, I've heard the crazy rumors, too," said Bryant, wiping blood off of his face with a towel while speaking to Oklahoma City police. "I guess because a few people claim they heard screams and saw me attacking Pau with an ax? I don't know. People say crazy things. But, no, right after the game ended, Pau headed to the airport and flew home. He said he was going there forever and would never be back."

Bryant then picked up his blood-soaked axe and held it menacingly in the direction of his teammates: "Didn't Pau say that, guys," Bryant said to them. "Tell the good officers."

Bryant's Lakers teammate, crying and in shock, nodded their heads in agreement.

Saying that he has a "new, more realistic outlook on the world," Lakers forward Metta World Peace officially filed paperwork today to change his name to Military Industrial Complex.

"I am older and wiser today that I was at 31 when I changed my name to Metta World Peace. I am 32 now," said Complex, who was originally known as Ron Artest. "I no longer have that naive, idealistic viewpoint of the world. True world peace is not realistic. That sounds cold, but it's the truth. There's some ugly shit in the world. All we can do is look out for ourselves. For our own safety and wealth. That's all that matters."

Complex says he now feels foolish to have called himself World Peace.

"It was a sign of weakness," he said. "I can't be weak in a world full of death and war and flagrant fouls."