Filed Under » Los Angeles Lakers

Following national media debate over whether it was time for the struggling Los Angeles Lakers to panic, the team reportedly did indeed decide to panic late last night following a closed-door, players-only meeting.

"Well, I'm just going to ask the question everyone is asking," Kobe Bryant barked to his teammates following a six-point loss to the lowly Cavaliers that saw the Lakers drop to 9-13. "Is it time to panic? Show of hands."

But before the vote was even completed, two Lakers players began pulling out chunks of their own hair while forward Metta World Peace impaled himself on the end of a railing.

"Looks like the decision is to panic," said Bryant, as teammate Pau Gasol dragged head coach Mike D'Antoni into the locker room and scalped him the metal top of a clipboard. Meanwhile, point guard Chris Duhon ran naked in circles around the room, setting lockers on fire. "Works for me," Bryant added, as he began strangling Dwight Howard from behind with a shoelace.

The panic only subsided after the Lakers tired out due to their advanced age and fell asleep on the floor.

"Los Angeles Lakers," the L.A.-based basketball reality show, was picked up for the entirety of the 2012-2013 season after cast changes intended to make the series more exciting and successful.

"While full of drama, we were disappointed by the start of the season," said David Levy, president of Turner Sports, which shows "Lakers" on TNT. "I think the change at coach should help get 'Lakers' to where we want it to be." The show also airs on ABC, ESPN, NBA TV and locally in Los Angeles.

"Lakers" features a diverse cast. There is Kobe, an aging champion who can be surly and selfish; Dwight, a large, talented man with image problems; Metta, an insane person; Pau, a weird-looking man from Spain; and Steve, an old lesbian from Canada. All five personalities are put together with other teammates in the big city of Los Angeles in an attempt to win a basketball title. Now the cast adds Mike D'Antoni as its new coach, replacing Mike Brown.

"We wish Mike well, but he was boring and ineffective and didn't fit well with the rest of the cast," said "Lakers" executive producer Mitch Kupchak. "And I feared Kobe would kill him. That might have been great for ratings, but this production isn't insured for something like that."