The Lakers will win the Stanley Cup in their brains.
"I was working out and came back to my locker and saw my phone," said the Lakers point guard. "I had 20 voice mails and almost 30 texts waiting for me. I thought something terrible had happened."
It turns out that it was only Jason Kidd's retirement that spurred the onslaught of cell phone contact.
"You see Kidd retired?" read a text from Kobe Bryant. "He's only one year older than you, but you're more injury-prone. Has to make you think, huh?"
"Just came over the news that Jason Kidd is retiring," Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak said in a voice mail. "Rasheed Wallace is retiring, Grant Hill. Seems like a lot of the older players are hanging them up. You and Kidd are both former Mavericks point guards who played last year in big cities. Seems like a lot of parallels, huh?" Kupchak's voice mail then ended with 15 seconds of him coughing and clearing his throat.
In fairness, they have as good a shot at that as they do winning the NBA Finals.
"We haven't lost in weeks," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "And if you look at the Western Conference, we're in as good a shape as almost anyone. I'm not counting us out until the season is over."
The presumed Western Conference champion, the Oklahoma City Thunder, is on the brink of elimination thanks to Russell Westbrook's injury, the Spurs are as old as the Lakers, the Warriors are inexperienced and star guard Steph Curry is battling injury, and the Memphis Grizzlies are led by Pau Gasol's little brother.
"I like our position," said Lakers point guard Steve Nash. "I'm getting healthier every day and Kobe should be able to walk in a few weeks. We can do this."
It's one of Jack Nicholson's greatest performances yet.
"Guy, guys. Gather around and listen up," said D'Antoni, squatting down in front of his players while holding his iPhone. "'"Pau, get ur ass on the block and don't move till u get it.' Want to know who said that? Kobe. Kobe said it on Twitter. Now, Pau, get out there and do it, okay?"
D'Antoni then called his team back before player resumed.
"Oh, and guys?" he said. "I forgot. Hashtag: realtalk."
"My man rg3 you do it i do it. It a bet dog," read part of Bryant's post, written just days after surgery to repair a torn Achilles. "My thrwing arm iz not hurt i just wil b more of a packet qb. never been mor motvated to win Supr bowel."
Bryant then went on to write several hundred barely lucid words about spiders that he claims are living inside his eyelids, saying eyelashes are "jus spider hands sticking out ur face. LOL. No lol: FEAR. I'd fight a bear b4 a damn spidr. Eylid spidrs!!! When u blink its them biting yor eyes."
Several minutes later, Bryant took to Twitter and tried to order a sandwich: "Hello. Turkey on rye plz .. no eyelid spiders on the side .., nEver them."
Is it the Israel-Palestine thing?
"Before our shoot-around this morning, Kobe cut out his left ankle using trainer's tape scissors. No anesthetic," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "It was pretty amazing to see. His will to win is unparalleled."
With the ankle bone and the surrounding tissue cut away, Bryant then reattached his left foot to the bottom of his fibula using a shoelace for stitches. He then stood up and addressed his teammates.
"Look at this!" Kobe commanded, holding the chunk of bone and flesh that was his ankle. "This was my ankle. It was not committed to winning. It tried to stop me from achieving my goal of winning a championship. So I cut it out. Let that be a lesson to all of you."
"I was really inspired," said forward Pau Gasol, while vomiting. "Also, I'm scared for my life. Playing with a psychopath is both inspirational and terrifying."
"I think they deserved it," said Howard. "I like them when I was here, but I have since realized they are some of the worst fans in the NBA, if not in all of sports. They rarely fill the seats and there is no atmosphere in this arena. They suck and that's why I booed them."
Magic fans admit they had hoped Howard would give them a warm welcome, but say weren't surprised by the negative reception.
"Look, I can understand the hard feelings," said a season ticket holder. "It is what it is. But I will still always remember Dwight's time here fondly."
Howard didn't stop at booing and heckling the Magic fans. He also held up signs with messages including "YOUR TEAM SUCKS," "OVERRATED" and "ORLANDUDS." When he exited the game, he wore a t-shirt featuring a picture of the Amway Arena crowd alongside pictures of an equal sign and a pile of steaming feces.