Team owner Arte Moreno learned that his $214 million dollar team would be meeting in the locker room following their latest humiliating defeat a defeat that dropped L.A. to 25-33. Moreno rushed down from his owner's box to the outside of the locker room and instructed a staffer to retrieve some canisters from a nearby closet. He then opened the locker room door, asked for Mike Trout to come out, threw the canisters into the locker room, closed the doors and had team security hold them shut.
Loud coughing and cries for help were heard, and several players pushed on the doors to exit, but less than 15 seconds later: silence.
"I've been waiting weeks to do this," said Moreno. "I can't believe it took them this long to have a players-only meeting. Shows how hopeless they really are."
"I'm just glad to have been spared," said outfielder Mike Trout. "Not being killed by team management shows they really have faith in me. It means a lot."
He's the best athlete the Royals have seen in decades.
"At my lowest point, I never dreamed of being where I am today," said Hamilton. "I dreamed more about playing really well for a good team. But sometimes things don't work out quite like you'd hope. If you had offered me .202 and getting booed back in 2005, would have taken it. At least, I probably would have."
One definite positive of Hamilton's current situation is that he is getting paid $17 million to be a massive, gaping hole in the middle of Anaheim's lineup with $106 million more due to him in the next four years.
"I suspect the Angels want me to hit, like, lots of home runs and have a high batting average and stuff like that," said Hamilton. "But I think they would agree that even if I never get another hit in my entire life, my life's story is pretty remarkable. As remarkable as the fact that major league contracts are completely guaranteed? No. But remarkable nonetheless."
Picture Mike Trout is Aging Horribly
Looks like they accidentally ran an Albert Pujols photo.
- Josh Hamilton, LAA - he will fit perfectly into the Angels' lineup of overpaid older guys who watch Mike Trout do everything
- B.J. Upton, ATL - the Braves are confident that all great players probably suddenly start playing up to their potential in their 9th season in the majors
- Torii Hunter, DET - he fills Detroit's need for a non-morbidly obese position player and he was also a childhood friend of Jim Leyland's
- Jose Reyes, TOR - the Blue Jays hope he can be an improvement over Yunel Escobar at shortstop by getting on base and not hating gay people
- Russell Martin, PIT - if giving $17 million to a catcher with a .211 batting average won't get the Pirates a winning season, then nothing will
- Zach Greinke, LAD - not having a big enough payroll is what kept the Dodgers out of the playoffs last year and they won't let that happen ever again
- R.A. Dickey, TOR - even if he pitches nowhere close to his Cy Young performance, he'll keep the clubhouse loose with hilarious tales of playing for the Mets
At least Pujols can afford a nice TV.
Picture The Angels Need Something
Maybe an actual angel. In the outfield, perhaps.
In the '90s, rookies were hazed by not being given steroids.