News NBC Decides to Hold News That London Has Been Destroyed by a Giant Dragon
NBC Sports Chairman Mark Lazarus defended the network's decision.
"Day after day at the Olympics we bring the biggest events and news of the day to our viewers in primetime, as though they are happening then," said Lazarus. "Today's big news was that the Olympics are cancelled because that dragon that came out of nowhere killed everyone. There's no way we're running that at 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon when half the nation is at work. The ratings back me up on this."
Lazarus said the decision to hold the dragon story was unanimous among NBC executives, "although, granted, most of them were killed in the attack and didn't have a say."
Picture Elton John and John Denver Fight in the Greatest Boxing Match Ever
Elton John should probably win this.
News Foreign Person Wins Olympic Medal
"I didn't care to see that all," said a fellow countrymen in attendance. "I didn't recognize the name and it just seemed, well … foreign to me. I'll be honest, I would have gotten into the event a lot more if that medal had gone to someone from my country. But with a foreigner winning? I really don't care."
Worst of all, it wasn't just one medal that went to a foreigner, but all three: gold, silver and bronze.
"The chances I watch this sport again are pretty slim," said a viewer. "Now I know why it was on one of those weird extra channels of coverage. They only put the sports on their that my country is lousy at. I don't have enough time to sit around watching my country lose to no-names from who knows where."
A quick look at the London 2012 medal count shows that foreigners have dominated the haul so far, continuing their run of success since the first Olympic Games.
Opinion Why Every Nation in the Olympics Sucks
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Afghanistan – You repeatedly defeat invading forces because your country is an inhospitable hellscape. Congratulations. Except for the fact that you live in an inhospitable hellscape.
Albania – There are 91 animal species in your country considered to be globally threatened. Stop killing your animals, jerks!
Algeria – Wait, aren't you Albania? Has anyone ever checked? Probably not.
American Samoa – Your claim to fame: providing the name for a type of Girl Scout cookie. Impressive.
Andorra – Your country sounds like the name of some crappy minivan. The Nissan Andorra. Great for driving your kids to some random country!
Angola – You provide many of the world's diamonds. No doubt that's all on the up and up.
Antigua and Barbuda – Oh, jeez. Two names? Really? You're completely irrelevant by any name. Don't kid yourself.
Argentina – People might consider visiting you if Brazil wasn't on your continent. Tough break there.
Armenia – The biggest ethnic group in your country is Armenian, at 97.9 percent of the population. What a melting pot of Armenians you are. Such diversity!
Aruba – Biggest claim to fame: once name-dropped in a Beach Boys song.
Australia – Penal colony.
Austria – Oh, only the birthplace of Hitler. No biggie.
Azerbaijan – You're governed by a unitary constitutional presidential republic? Oh, please. Those never work.
