Opinion The 8 Athletes in Every Olympics
The Choker
This person has trained her entire life for this day. Never had a slice of pizza, never drank a soda, never stayed up later than 10:00 p.m. All for this one day, this one event. Today is the day all the dedication and hard work pays off! And here she goes! It's … oh … oh my. Oh my god. That was really really really bad. Hard to watch. Just complete and total heartbreak. Oh, well. It was only 20 years and an entire childhood wasted.
The Vet
Most Olympians are complete no-names. But this guy has been around before. He's one of the few faces you recognize at the start of the Games. In fact, NBC used his image to market the Olympics before they started. He may do well at these Olympics, he may not. It doesn't matter, his past success means his legacy is secured. He's mainly here to take one last go at getting laid as much as possible in the Olympic Village. Then it's off to a retirement of being in a sports drink commercial every four years.
Picture Olympic Divers on the Toilet
For world class athletes, they must have terrible diets.
News Olympic Pool Cleared Out Due to Floating Turd
"At first I thought maybe it was just a leaf or something, but then I went over to check and it definitely was a big log of poo," said Tommy Holt, who lifeguards at the Aquatics Centre for a summer job. "I immediately blew my whistle and told everyone to get out."
Per Aquatic Centre policy, the pool was then closed for 30 minutes while the feces was fished out and the pool was treated with a fresh batch of chemicals. However, several swimmers did not go back in after the Holt blew his whistle with the all-clear.
"I've been working my whole life for this," said Canadian swimmer Mark Riley. "But no way I'm going back in the pool 30 minutes after a turd was in there. That 30 minutes sounds like a completely arbitrary time to me, right? I mean, there's no way the pool is clean in that time. I want a medal, but I don't want it enough to get feces particles in my mouth."
News U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team Inspires Tiny, Muscular Girls Across the Nation
"My daughter Kyla is really really tiny but she has an almost alarming amount of muscles for someone so small," said Jeff Grayson, an Atlanta father, of his 8 year-old daughter. "We didn't know what to do with her. We wonder if she would have to be institutionalized. But now she can't stop talking about being a gymnast. She's really excited."
The Graysons are like families all across the country.
"Our little Kendra is 9 years old and only two-feet tall," said Mindy Matthews of Spokane, Wash. "We assumed she would have to live with us forever because someone so tiny and with such a squeaky voice is unlikely to ever get married or have a career. But now we all have a goal thanks to those ripped sprites of the gymnastics team. Thanks, little ladies!"
Picture London 2012 Medal Count is Not Surprising At All
Speed helps in every sport.
Picture Olympic Gymnast Needs a Little Privacy
Having a rib removed is cheating in the sport of gymnastics masturbation.
