Bill Clinton once had sex with a cheerleader on the Kiss Cam.
"We knew when we saw Beijing's Opening Ceremonies that we were pretty much screwed," said a source. "So if we can't top those, why try? Right now we have McCartney singing two Beatles songs on stage beside a five-foot paper-mache Big Ben." A crown will sit atop his piano.
Other famous British performers such as Elton John, David Bowie, Sting and Phil Collins could also perform, but "we haven't gotten around to calling them yet. We were happy Mr. McCartney agreed and we don't want to press our luck."
Organizers also hope English soccer star David Beckham will be willing to come up on the stage and wave to people.
"What's that? He wasn't invited to be part of the football team? Oh," said a source. "That I did not know. Well, I guess we'll just see if Paul can play a third song."
Off to the orphanage!
"We used the same timeframe that every other Olympic host has used for their torch relay," said London 2012 director Jeremy Beeton. "What we forgot to factor into it is that, well we British are not what you would call especially 'athletic.' In fact, we are almost impossibly slow. We have been asking our torch carriers to sprint to try to pick up the pace, yet still they aren't as fast as people of other nationalities walking. It's quite pathetic."
During one recent day in which the torch was originally scheduled to travel 15 miles up the western coast of England, it moved just 320 yards down one street despite being carried by six different runners. One sprained his ankle, another took a break for tea, a third died, the fourth runner came down with gout, a fifth runner accidentally set himself on fire, and the final runner had to be treated for severe sunburn due to being out of doors on an unusually sunny day for more than 20 minutes.
When the gun sounded to start his heat, Phelps dove into the pool and then didn't resurface for several seconds. He then appeared at the top of the water, wildly flailing and gasping for air, before dropping below the top of the water again. Lifeguards and paramedics then dove into the pool and pulled Phelps out, where mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was conducted.
"All athletes go through slumps," said Gary Mourning, Phelps' coach. "Just look at Albert Pujols. The London Olympics are still two months away, so I am fully confident that Michael will be back in form by then."
Phelps spoke to reporters briefly from his hospital bed at University of Miami hospital.
"I just need to focus on the fundamentals," he said. "You know, not swallowing water, moving my arms and legs in a controlled manner so I don't fall to the bottom, that sort of thing. I'll get through it."
Oh, well. Forget the Olympics then. Let's all just go to war.