That road sign is a total choker.
They like things that are always clutch. Like Old Faithful.
James bristled at media questions following the game about his inability to win it all, saying "the playoffs aren't over" yet the fact remains that defeating the Pacers left the supposed best player in basketball still without an NBA championship.
The MVP has advanced out of the 2nd Round in past postseasons only to lose later on, suggesting 2012 is shaping up exactly like his well-known playoff failures.
"I'm not sure you all are understanding how the playoffs work," said James, pathetically defending himself. "Advancing out of the 2nd Round is necessary in order to get to the NBA Finals and win. Yes, I'm still short of the ultimate goal, but I can't and won't apologize for winning this series. It was a requirement to get a ring."
In the decisive Game 6, James fell short of his series' highs in points, rebounds and assists, suggesting he is regressing as the Eastern Conference and NBA Finals near.
Opinion "The LeBrunger Games"
EXT. AKRON, OHIO NIGHT
A man with a creepy wig and make-up stands on a stage, as hundreds of children gather around him. He has a microphone and a giant ball with slips of paper with names of the children written on them.
Good evening, District 330. It's time for the Decisioning. Which one of you will be chosen to represent your district in this year's Dunker Games?
GRAY reaches into the ball, but before he can pull out a name, a "child" with a strange beard and strategically-positioned headband shouts out.
A hush comes over the crowd. GRAY seems confused.
LeBron, what is your decision?
This is tough in this fall, I'm going to take my talents to the Capitol and join the Dunker Games.
The crowd bursts into an angry furor, burning images of LeBRON and crying in disbelief. LeBRON sneaks away in a private train to the Capitol but promises to donate his winnings to charity. No one cares.
Picture Lebron James Enjoys Teen Lit
Had he attended college, he would have read literature like "The Hunger Games."
"I was shopping for headbands yesterday and I wasn't finding any that were big enough for, you know, what I'm looking for a headband to do," said James. "And then I had a revelation: What if my dad was one of those turban-wearing people? So I called my mom to find out. It went to voice mail, so I took that as a confirmation that he was."
After a quick Google search on his iPhone, James discovered that "those turban-wearing people" are primarily Indians who practice the Sikh religion.
"So that's what I am an Indian Sikh," said James. "It actually sounds kind of cool. Although I would happily be a regular old American Indian, too. A headdress would also work really well to uh absorb sweat from my head."
It is believed that James is the first NBA player with an Indian ancestry. He could also become the first Sikh in league history.
"I haven't converted yet. I'm still learning about the religion," he said. "The Wikipedia page on it was much longer than I expected and I'm not through the whole thing yet. I just want to make sure first that Sikhs don't have a problem with throwing yourself lavish birthday parties in every NBA city in the country. Because I really like doing that. But even if they do, I'm still definitely wearing a big turban on the court. You know, for my dad."
Picture Inside the Mind of Lebron James
See, he does need those hipster glasses.
"We like to look good and dress in the latest styles," said Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook. "And googly-eye glasses is where it's at right now. If you don't have springs on your glasses, you're probably going to get laughed out of the locker room."
Where the novelty glasses trend started is not clear, but most think it may have begun with Kanye West's recent single "Googly-Eyed Novelty Glasses" and the song's iconic video in which everyone wore googly-eyed novelty glasses.
No matter where it comes from, Lebron James say his glasses make him feel cool.
"NBA players are competitive in everything we do. We want to be the best on the court and we want to look the best off the court," he said. "Whoever has the shiniest springs that hang the lowest with the most bloodshot eyeballs is envied by everyone."
This child couldn't even imagine his headbanded future.