Opinion "The LeBrunger Games"
EXT. AKRON, OHIO – NIGHT
A man with a creepy wig and make-up stands on a stage, as hundreds of children gather around him. He has a microphone and a giant ball with slips of paper with names of the children written on them.
EFFIE GRAY
Good evening, District 330. It’s time for the Decisioning. Which one of you will be chosen to represent your district in this year’s Dunker Games?
GRAY reaches into the ball, but before he can pull out a name, a “child” with a strange beard and strategically-positioned headband shouts out.
LeBRON EVERJAMES
I volunteer!
A hush comes over the crowd. GRAY seems confused.
EFFIE GRAY
LeBron, what is your decision?
LeBRON EVERJAMES
This is tough… in this fall, I’m going to take my talents to the Capitol and join the Dunker Games.
The crowd bursts into an angry furor, burning images of LeBRON and crying in disbelief. LeBRON sneaks away in a private train to the Capitol but promises to donate his winnings to charity. No one cares.
Picture Lebron James Enjoys Teen Lit
Had he attended college, he would have read literature like "The Hunger Games."
News Lebron James Claims Indian Sikh Heritage in Obvious Excuse to Wear a Turban
“I was shopping for headbands yesterday and I wasn’t finding any that were big enough for, you know, what I’m looking for a headband to do,” said James. “And then I had a revelation: What if my dad was one of those turban-wearing people? So I called my mom to find out. It went to voice mail, so I took that as a confirmation that he was.”
After a quick Google search on his iPhone, James discovered that “those turban-wearing people” are primarily Indians who practice the Sikh religion.
“So that’s what I am – an Indian Sikh,” said James. “It actually sounds kind of cool. Although I would happily be a regular old American Indian, too. A headdress would also work really well to … uh … absorb sweat from my head.”
It is believed that James is the first NBA player with an Indian ancestry. He could also become the first Sikh in league history.
“I haven’t converted yet. I’m still learning about the religion,” he said. “The Wikipedia page on it was much longer than I expected and I’m not through the whole thing yet. I just want to make sure first that Sikhs don’t have a problem with throwing yourself lavish birthday parties in every NBA city in the country. Because I really like doing that. But even if they do, I’m still definitely wearing a big turban on the court. You know, for my dad.”
News Novelty Googly-Eye Glasses the New Trend Among NBA Players
“We like to look good and dress in the latest styles,” said Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook. “And googly-eye glasses is where it’s at right now. If you don’t have springs on your glasses, you’re probably going to get laughed out of the locker room.”
Where the novelty glasses trend started is not clear, but most think it may have begun with Kanye West’s recent single “Googly-Eyed Novelty Glasses” and the song’s iconic video in which everyone wore googly-eyed novelty glasses.
No matter where it comes from, Lebron James say his glasses make him feel cool.
“NBA players are competitive in everything we do. We want to be the best on the court and we want to look the best off the court,” he said. “Whoever has the shiniest springs that hang the lowest with the most bloodshot eyeballs is envied by everyone.”
Picture Lebron's Hairline Was Once Quite Impressive
This child couldn't even imagine his headbanded future.
Picture Lebron Hate in Tire Cover Form
Good thing no Celtics players have ever cried or complained.
Video Philadelphia's One Sixers Fan Heckles Lebron James
That guy doesn't know how many superstars the Sixers have, nor can he name any of their players.
Picture Lebron James Keeps His Rogaine in a Tiny Purse
So the man having the best NBA season ever carries a purse? Cool.
