Picture Lane Kiffin in a Sombrero
He's getting ready for his next job at the University of Mexico City.
Also, all other things Lane Kiffin does suggest he is a liar.
He has to keep moving because so many people want to kill him.
Dana Holgorsen, West Virginia: Jaeger
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina: Augusta National
Nick Saban, Alabama: Disgust
Brian Kelly, Notre Dame: Relevance
Gary Pinkel, Missouri: SEC!
Charlie Weis, Kansas: Charlie Weis
Chip Kelly, Oregon: Nike
Lane Kiffin, USC: USC
Lane Kiffin, the young, 35-year-old head coach charged with leading the legendary USC football program into the future, is already making his mark on team. And today he announced the program's system of player compensation while be completely modernized and moved online.
"Players today do everything online," he said. "I don't think there's a kid on the team who doesn't have an iPhone or one of those Droids. Their lives are completely digital and it's time our payment program reflects that."
Thanks to an exclusive partnership with PayPal, the university, athletic department, football program, coaches, boosters or even USC fans can make direct payments into each player's individual PayPal account.
"No longer will players have to be given sacks of cash that are easy to lose or be told they have to take a house when they really want a car," said Kiffin. "With PayPal we have completely modernized and streamlined our payment system. This is the future of paying NCAA athletes and we think our players will be earning as much as 50-percent more."
USC looked into other payment options in the past Pete Carroll notably tried to use Flooz for a time but had never moved beyond straight cash transactions or gifts. When Kiffin took over this offseason, he immediately insisted on overhauling the program and made it happen with his energy and youthful perspective.
"I've looked through the entire NCAA rule book and there's not a single mention of PayPal, so it must be allowed," he said. "And by the time they get around to putting that in the rule book, I'll be long gone to my next job."
The Pat Summitt era is over at Tennessee.
After talking to former Tennessee head football coach Lane Kiffin in attempt to make him reconsider staying in Knoxville, Summitt says Kiffin convinced her to leave the program she has led for 37 years and follow him to the sun and fun of Los Angeles and USC.
"Sorry, Tennessee," Summitt said.
With eight national championships during her tenure, Summitt said Kiffin made the point that there's not much more she can accomplish in Knoxville and that she could use a new challenge.
"I want to take women's basketball to another level," said Summitt. "And Lane made me realize I can only do that in a major media market like Los Angeles."
With Summitt's rival, Geno Auriemma, entrenched at UConn, Summitt says she can now stake a claim to the recruits in the entire western half of the country, as well as continue to exert her influence in the Southeast.
"It's really a no-brainer," said Summitt. "Lane finally made me open my eyes and see reality. There's no reason for anyone to coach at Tennessee no offense to all the great people here at Tennessee."
Kiffin is glad Summitt heard him out.
"Hey, she's not getting any younger," said Kiffin of Summitt, age 57. "She'd feel a lot better out in L.A. No winters. And she's fresh off her divorce, too. She can play the field out there. Date an actor or something."
The news of Summitt's departure at Tennessee has eclipsed the outrage over Kiffin. But University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton urges calm.
"Everybody needs to relax," said Hamilton. "This is our women's basketball coach. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it: the only reason we follow women's basketball here is because we're good at it. It's not like we actually like it. I mean, who could? It's awful. With Pat gone, we can focus on the good sports again. Lane Kiffin did us a favor."
Tennessee is reeling today over the news that Layla Kiffin, considered perhaps the state's top MILF, is moving to Los Angeles.
"Devastating. Absolutely devastating," said Governor Phil Bredesen. "We thought we had her for the long haul. We thought we'd get to enjoy that body and leer at it for another 10 to 12 years before she moved on or everything dropped and started getting saggy. At least I can say we sincerely appreciated her while she was here."
"I never even got to smell her hair," said University of Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. "God knows I tried. But every time I'd get in really close and almost breathe it in, she'd spot me and turn around. She had an amazing sense for that. She had a lot of amazing attributes."
Many high school seniors who had committed to Tennessee are reportedly now reconsidering.
"I was going there for her," said Darrell Smith, a highly-touted running back from Memphis. "I don't know why she's going to Los Angeles where she'll be just another blonde woman with a big rack. Here she was unique. Here she was special. I could have showed her how special she was. That was my goal. Hit that. And then, once that's taken care of, focus on winning a national title and playing in the NFL."
Tennessee has immediately begun the search for a successor.
"We are looking for full C-cups or perky D's," said Hamilton. "And, of course, 36-24-36 measurements or something in that proportional ballpark. We'd also like another one who has had children. Because then you know what you're working with. It's easy to get a good-looking woman pre-babies, but then she might blow up after having kids. Not an angel like Layla. Oh, Layla we'll miss you."
The school is also hoping their replacement for Layla Kiffin is married to someone with some sort of football coaching background, even if at a low level.
"But the coaching thing is not a deal-breaker," said Hamilton.
There are only a few days left until the first Saturday of the college football season and SportsPickle is counting down the top stories of 2009. Today: No. 4, Lane Kiffin.