Filed Under » Lance Armstrong

Former seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong today filed a slander lawsuit against cyclist Lance Armstrong for telling Oprah Winfrey in a televised interview that Lance Armstrong took performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career.

"It is one big lie," said Armstrong. "I never failed a test. Not a single test. I am going to take Lance Armstrong for everything he has for spreading these lies about me."

Armstrong's lead attorney, Tim Herman, said: "I'm confused. But per Lance's orders, I will proceed quickly and fiercely with this lawsuit. Unless, you know, Lance Armstrong tells me to stop. The other one. Again. I'm confused."

Others close to the cyclist wonder if nearly 15 years of heavy and non-stop drug use has left Armstrong with cognitive issues or even dementia, as it's not possible to sue one's self.

Armstrong said he is of sound mind.

"You know who isn't going to be of sound mind? Lance Armstrong when he finds out I'm coming after him for spouting filth about me."

Former cycling star Lance Armstrong has reportedly admitted to Oprah Winfrey in an interview that he used performance enhancing drugs. The impact of that admission is already being felt, as the Plano (Tex.) Little League announced today that all three of Armstrong's home runs hit in the league between 1979 and 1983 will be asterisked.

"Lance expected some fallout, but this one hurts," said an Armstrong associate. "A man treasures nothing more than his Little League home runs. He's told me numerous times the story about how he hit a home run against Bill's Auto Parts in a rain shower in 1982. Now that memory is tarnished."

Armstrong hit one home run in 1982 as an 11 year-old and two more in 1983, including a homer off of a left-handed pitcher most of his teammates were uncomfortable batting against.

"Almost all the pitchers were righties," said Gary Pradish, Armstrong's coach on Brothers Sporting Goods & Tackle Shop. "So we went up against this lefty one day and everyone was just flailing away at the plate. But Lance ran into one for a home run. It was then I thought he might really accomplish something in sports. Unfortunately, he went into cycling instead."

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong is reportedly considering telling Oprah Winfrey that he has "a whole ton of cancer" in addition to the flu and AIDS in his upcoming interview in hopes that will create enough public sympathy to overcome his years of lying, vindictiveness and lawsuits over blood doping.

"Lance became a national hero in the wake of his truly inspiring fight against cancer back in the 1990s," said a source close to Armstrong. "He's really in a bind right now and he's going to need all the public sympathy he can get to make it through this."

While there are no indications that Armstrong has cancer, the flu or AIDS, a close friend says it can't be proven that Armstrong doesn't have those illnesses either.

"Lance got a flu shot, it's true. But the flu is especially bad this year," said the friend. "And Lance has felt a little under the weather the last few days. Is it the flu? Is it cancer? Is it AIDS? I could very well be all three. Maybe even diabetes, too. We won't definitely know for sure until tests are taken, but that won't be done until after the Oprah interview."

Lance Armstrong is no longer allowed to ride his bike, but his spirits were brightened today when his mom gave him a brand new skateboard after she got home from work.

"Lance has been pretty bummed. He really likes riding his bike," said Linda Armstrong. "But he got in trouble doing it. So I thought maybe he could try skateboarding. Some of the other neighborhood kids do that."

Armstrong says the skateboard is "pretty sweet" and that he was using it out on the driveway for an hour already.

"I can jump and almost land back down on the skateboard already," he said. "I can't believe I ever rode bike. Bikes are for little kids. I'm way too old for that now."