Imagine how strong and virile Thom Yorke would be with some roids.
Lance Armstrong never flew. Aliens are a performance enhancer.
"It is one big lie," said Armstrong. "I never failed a test. Not a single test. I am going to take Lance Armstrong for everything he has for spreading these lies about me."
Armstrong's lead attorney, Tim Herman, said: "I'm confused. But per Lance's orders, I will proceed quickly and fiercely with this lawsuit. Unless, you know, Lance Armstrong tells me to stop. The other one. Again. I'm confused."
Others close to the cyclist wonder if nearly 15 years of heavy and non-stop drug use has left Armstrong with cognitive issues or even dementia, as it's not possible to sue one's self.
Armstrong said he is of sound mind.
"You know who isn't going to be of sound mind? Lance Armstrong when he finds out I'm coming after him for spouting filth about me."
- Very Unlikely - I'm probably going to watch Ricki Lake's interview with Floyd Landis instead
- Unlikely - I suspect watching two people talking about cycling is even less exciting than watching cycling
- Maybe - I usually have the Oprah Winfrey Network on in the background all day, so I'll probably catch some of it
- Likely - I want to see if Oprah gives away a year's supply of EPO to the studio audience
- Very Likely - I'm French and it will be the greatest moment in modern French history
You go hardwood or it's cheating.
Picture Too Many Lance Armstrong Puns
Steroids is a victimless crime? Lies! What about us for being subjected to stuff like this?
"Lance expected some fallout, but this one hurts," said an Armstrong associate. "A man treasures nothing more than his Little League home runs. He's told me numerous times the story about how he hit a home run against Bill's Auto Parts in a rain shower in 1982. Now that memory is tarnished."
Armstrong hit one home run in 1982 as an 11 year-old and two more in 1983, including a homer off of a left-handed pitcher most of his teammates were uncomfortable batting against.
"Almost all the pitchers were righties," said Gary Pradish, Armstrong's coach on Brothers Sporting Goods & Tackle Shop. "So we went up against this lefty one day and everyone was just flailing away at the plate. But Lance ran into one for a home run. It was then I thought he might really accomplish something in sports. Unfortunately, he went into cycling instead."
"Lance became a national hero in the wake of his truly inspiring fight against cancer back in the 1990s," said a source close to Armstrong. "He's really in a bind right now and he's going to need all the public sympathy he can get to make it through this."
While there are no indications that Armstrong has cancer, the flu or AIDS, a close friend says it can't be proven that Armstrong doesn't have those illnesses either.
"Lance got a flu shot, it's true. But the flu is especially bad this year," said the friend. "And Lance has felt a little under the weather the last few days. Is it the flu? Is it cancer? Is it AIDS? I could very well be all three. Maybe even diabetes, too. We won't definitely know for sure until tests are taken, but that won't be done until after the Oprah interview."
If only there was someone who hadn't cheated to give them to.
"Lance has been pretty bummed. He really likes riding his bike," said Linda Armstrong. "But he got in trouble doing it. So I thought maybe he could try skateboarding. Some of the other neighborhood kids do that."
Armstrong says the skateboard is "pretty sweet" and that he was using it out on the driveway for an hour already.
"I can jump and almost land back down on the skateboard already," he said. "I can't believe I ever rode bike. Bikes are for little kids. I'm way too old for that now."