"Guy, guys. Gather around and listen up," said D'Antoni, squatting down in front of his players while holding his iPhone. "'"Pau, get ur ass on the block and don't move till u get it.' Want to know who said that? Kobe. Kobe said it on Twitter. Now, Pau, get out there and do it, okay?"
D'Antoni then called his team back before player resumed.
"Oh, and guys?" he said. "I forgot. Hashtag: realtalk."
"My man rg3 you do it i do it. It a bet dog," read part of Bryant's post, written just days after surgery to repair a torn Achilles. "My thrwing arm iz not hurt i just wil b more of a packet qb. never been mor motvated to win Supr bowel."
Bryant then went on to write several hundred barely lucid words about spiders that he claims are living inside his eyelids, saying eyelashes are "jus spider hands sticking out ur face. LOL. No lol: FEAR. I'd fight a bear b4 a damn spidr. Eylid spidrs!!! When u blink its them biting yor eyes."
Several minutes later, Bryant took to Twitter and tried to order a sandwich: "Hello. Turkey on rye plz .. no eyelid spiders on the side .., nEver them."
"Before our shoot-around this morning, Kobe cut out his left ankle using trainer's tape scissors. No anesthetic," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "It was pretty amazing to see. His will to win is unparalleled."
With the ankle bone and the surrounding tissue cut away, Bryant then reattached his left foot to the bottom of his fibula using a shoelace for stitches. He then stood up and addressed his teammates.
"Look at this!" Kobe commanded, holding the chunk of bone and flesh that was his ankle. "This was my ankle. It was not committed to winning. It tried to stop me from achieving my goal of winning a championship. So I cut it out. Let that be a lesson to all of you."
"I was really inspired," said forward Pau Gasol, while vomiting. "Also, I'm scared for my life. Playing with a psychopath is both inspirational and terrifying."
Widely considered the greatest player of all-time, Jordan said it would be a tough choice between the trio. However, Morrison's combination of rings and youth would tip the scales in his favor.
"Kobe has five titles and that's impressive, but he's getting a little long in the tooth," said Jordan. "LeBron is a lot younger, but he only has one. I don't really like either choice. What I like is Adam Morrison. He has two championship rings and is just as young as LeBron. Easy choice if you break it down. He's a good mix of Kobe and LeBron."
Jordan took Morrison with the 3rd overall pick in the 2006 NBA Draft, just one of the many disastrous player personnel moves he has made in his post-playing career and one which contributed to the state the Charlotte Bobcats are in today.
But Jordan scoffs at any suggestions that picking Morrison, who last played in the Turkish League in 2012 and left the team due to lack of playing time, was a mistake.
"I don't make mistakes. Never have, never will," said Jordan. "And you saying I did makes you look stupid. Adam has two championships rings. More than LeBron. More than Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley. More than John Stockton and Karl Malone. As many as Hakeem Olajuwon. I don't think I need to go on but I will. Adam has played for four different teams in three different countries. He's gotten tryouts with two other teams. If he's so terrible, why do so many teams consider him? Huh, dumbass?"
News New Pass-First Kobe Bryant: "I just imagine my teammates' hands are little baskets I'm shooting at"
"Look, it's no secret that I have long preferred to take a lot of shots," said Bryant. "But who says I always have to shoot at the basket?"
Lakers head coach Mike D'Antoni said he pulled Bryant aside last week and pitched him on changing his approach.
"I put my hands together and made a circle and asked Kobe: 'What do you see?'" said D'Antoni. "He said: 'You making a circle with your hands for some reason. Why are you wasting my time?' And then before he walked away I said: 'What if I told you this was a tiny basketball hoop you could shoot at?' His eyes immediately brightened."
D'Antoni then immediately held a practice with an enthusiastic Bryant in which Steve Nash, Pau Gasol, Dwight Howard and the rest of the Lakers made their hands into little hoops. "Shoot, Kobe, shoot!" D'Antoni implored. "Put it up every time! Live your dream!"
It was the best Laker practice of the year.
"I really liked shooting at the hand hoops," says Bryant. "My field goal percentage really went up. The hand hoops kind of catch my shots even if they're a little off target. The rim never does that. It's pretty neat."
They're both happy to see some sort of hairline return.
The charity raises money for Chinese people who can't play basketball.
"Yeah, I've heard the crazy rumors, too," said Bryant, wiping blood off of his face with a towel while speaking to Oklahoma City police. "I guess because a few people claim they heard screams and saw me attacking Pau with an ax? I don't know. People say crazy things. But, no, right after the game ended, Pau headed to the airport and flew home. He said he was going there forever and would never be back."
Bryant then picked up his blood-soaked axe and held it menacingly in the direction of his teammates: "Didn't Pau say that, guys," Bryant said to them. "Tell the good officers."
Bryant's Lakers teammate, crying and in shock, nodded their heads in agreement.