Filed Under » Kevin Garnett

An exhausted Kevin Garnett asked Celtics head coach Doc Rivers last night during Boston’s latest loss if it would be okay if he limits his defensive effort to intimidating glares and screams directed in the general direction of the opponent.

“I honestly don’t know how many more times I can run up and down the court,” said Garnett. “At least not without a rest in between. It’s like, 90-something feet, I think. And they want you to do it over and over and over again.”

Garnett, a 17-year NBA veteran, says he is confident he can intimidate the man he is guarding while sitting in the lane, waiting for the Celtics to return on offense.

“I’ve been perfecting my glare for almost 20 years,” he said, going into an elaborate glaring, screaming and flexing routine that lasted nearly five minutes. “My glare can bore a hole right through the back of a man’s head. Even from 90-feet away, which is where I will be sitting or, more likely, laying.”

The Boston Celtics dedicated their victory in Game 2 of the NBA Finals to former teammate and longtime NBA star Kevin Garnett, who recently passed away due to age-related causes.

“This is what Kevin would have wanted,” said shooting guard Ray Allen, wiping away tears. “I just wish he could have been here to see it. I hope he knows, wherever he is, that we’re playing for him.”

Allen scored 32 points, including 27 in the first half, to lead the Celtics past the Lakers.

“I am 34 years old,” said Allen. “A whole year older than Kevin Garnett was when he passed on. There but for the grace of God go I, you know? So if my time is short, I want to make the most of every game and play in the memory of those who are no longer with us.”

The Celtics plan to play the remainder of the series with a black band on their jerseys in honor of Garnett and will also honor him before Game 3 at TD Garden by unnecessarily screaming and scowling at things in a pre-game ceremony.

The team also honored Garnett by inserting 6 points, 4 rebounds and 5 fouls into the Game 2 box score under his name.

“I just wish it could have been more,” said head coach Doc Rivers. “Well, points and rebounds, at least. The fouls could have been less.”

Following the game, teammates lit candles in their longtime teammate’s locker.

“Hey, who the f—k lit candles in my locker?!” yelled Garnett, emerging from the shower. “I’m gonna kick somebody’s ass!”

“It’s almost like he’s still here among us,” said Allen. “You can feel his presence.”

The Boston Celtics plan to appeal the NBA’s decision to suspend forward Kevin Garnett for one game for his part in a fracas in the closing moments of Boston’s Game 1 opening round playoff victory over the Miami Heat.

“He elbowed Quentin Richardson right in the face,” said Celtics head coach Doc Rivers. “The NBA can’t let something like that go with just a slap on the wrist, am I right? Also, Kevin Garnett is a complete dick and he’s not fun to be around. At all. He makes all of us dread coming to work every day. I was hoping the NBA would suspend him for the remainder of the playoffs.”

Garnett averaged the worst numbers of his career this year — 14.3 points and 7.3 rebounds — since his rookie season 14 years ago, and Rivers would happily replace them with someone else if he had the option.

“I am pretty much obligated to play Kevin,” he said. “But it wouldn’t be hard to replace his production. However, it would be hard to replace his attitude, which is basically him thinking he is some sort of mix between Michael Jordan and General Patton. And that’s great. I wouldn’t want to replace that. I hate that. I hate everything about it.”

While Stu Jackson, the NBA’s punishment deputy, says the suspension is final, the Celtics plan to send additional information to the league in hopes of extending the suspension.

Among the package is clip after clip of Garnett screaming over inconsequential plays in regular season games, pretty much every interview he has ever done, and never-before-seen tapes from Boston practices in which Garnett makes a ball boy cry, as well as Glen Davis and Brian Scalabrine.

But Jackson says even all of that likely won’t sway him.

“If being a total asshole merited suspension, most professional sports teams wouldn’t be able to field a complete team,” he said.