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Citing a desire to cut through the red tape that plagues the educational system for star NCAA basketball players, the University of Kentucky has awarded incoming freshman hoops sensation Brandon Knight with an honorary degree in “Sociology or Sports Management or Something Really Easy.”

“Brandon gives as much a f-ck about being educated as we do about educating him," explained Kentucky president Lee Todd Jr. “He’s not going to class, and if he does, it’ll be for a semester tops. So this is no more of a farce than pretending that he’s an actual student-athlete. And he deserves an honorary degree as much as any other famous person.”

Reading a prepared statement, head coach John Calipari lauded the decision: “I’d like to point out to all of the critics that Kentucky currently has the highest rate of honorary degrees of any team in the country. This is a great day for myself, Kentucky basketball, and insert NBA- ready point guard here.”

Former Indiana and Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight was unhappy with the decision, saying, “This is no way to prepare young men for the rest of their lives. The only way to properly do that is to abuse them verbally, physically, and emotionally for four years, so when they get out of college they’ve been emotionally scarred as much as possible and are prepared to take out all of their pent up frustration on everyone around them. That leads to success. In one area, at least. Like your career. It usually messes up your family.”

NBA commissioner David Stern weighed in on the situation while speaking on a talk radio program, “I realize that this is all happening because of the rule I instituted, but let me be perfectly clear: Yes, the Constitution says being 18 means you’re mature enough to enlist in the military and defend our country. But this is the NBA, not the Army. I mean, we’re talking about life and death here. Of our brand, I mean. Life and death of the NBA brand.”

Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski didn't have an opinion on Kentucky's move.

"Is Brandon Knight a rich white kid or son of a former professional athlete?" he asked. "No? Then why should I give a shit?”

University of Kentucky Professor Dr. Calvin Goldblatt stopped three people on the way out of his Thursday Introduction to Philosophy class to ask if anyone in the class had seenJohnWalllately. All three students just shook their head and walked on.

"I just don't understand," Dr. Goldblatt said. "His attendance record was perfect in January and February. Then suddenly this month, he was rarely here. I am worried about him."

Goldblatt, who has been at Kentucky for 13 years, but doesn't consider himself much of a sports fan, went on to add thatWallhadn't been in class at all for the last two weeks. Along with missing class,Wallwas absent for last week's midterm exam, and did not show up for his weekly tutoring session.

"I'm just concerned that he'll fall behind in his work," Goldblatt said. "I wouldn't want to have to fail him and make him repeat the class next fall. He's a good kid. But education means everything. Without an education, he won't get anywhere in life. A lot of kids don't want to hear that, but it's true."

Professor Goldblatt inquired about Wall at the university's registrars office, but got no answers.

"Has he dropped out of the school?" said Jane Flinner, a secretary at the registrars office. "Not that I can see. However, at the same time, I can't even find anything official saying he was every enrolled here. However, please, if you do see John, can you get me an autograph?"

Goldblatt also stopped DeMarcus Cousins, another of his students, on campus this morning to ask aboutWall's whereabouts. But, Cousins, who didn't seem to recognize the professor, ignored the question and continued packing boxes into his 2010 Mercedes-Benz ML550.

Kentucky head coach John Calipari was stripped of the contents of his stomach and bowels this morning when some bad clams he ate at dinner last night suddenly hit him.

Despite the messy situation that ruined a pair of $1,200 suit pants and sent him running to the bathroom in the middle of a press conference, disgusting bodily fluids pooling behind him, Calipari claimed to be without fault in the events that led to the incident.

"I am surprised as anyone that this happened," he said. "You go to some little Italian restaurant in upstate New York that has a notice in the window about failing code inspection and — how was I to know that I shouldn't order the clams casino and demand that the clams be extra rare? I'm sorry this happened to the people I vomited on on the way to the bathroom. But I'm as much of a victim here as anyone. My reputation is at stake."

While the restaurant will likely have to shut down and everyone around Calipari must wash off the stench of his vomit and feces, the coach himself will likely make out quite well in the end. He feels much better after vacating his bowels, is moving on to a different restaurant tonight — one of Syracuse's best — and is set to earn a significant payday in a lawsuit against the restaurant whose food sickened him.

"I realize that a lot of people got hurt along the way in my wake — one guy actually slipped in my diarrhea in the hallway, fell and hurt his back," said Calipari. "But I just want everyone to know that I am feeling great. Better than ever, actually. I can't stop smiling."

Calipari said he did his part by cleaning up the bathroom with some old UMass and Memphis apparel he had laying around.

Kentucky head coach John Calipari is one of the most successful coaches in college basketball. He is also one of the most controversial, having fled NCAA sanctions at both UMass and Memphis for higher-paying jobs elsewhere.

What can we learn about this man through pictures?

NCAA officials are investigating allegations that a University of Kentucky tutor answered reporters’ questions in place of freshman basketball star John Wall at a press conference yesterday.

Explained NCAA spokesman Gary Marshall, “There were some inconsistencies in John’s answers that constitute as red flags, and we’re going to do our due diligence, but it’s important to recognize that John is innocent until proven guilty.”

New York Times reporter Todd Smith, who has been covering Wall and Kentucky all season, was the first to notice some odd answers. “John is a pretty simple and straightforward guy, but yesterday things seemed off. For starters, he was adamant that his team not look ahead, ‘lest we turn our next matchup into a trap game, comparable to the trap the Rebel Alliance fell into during the climactic battle ofReturn Of the Jedi.’ I’ve been to dozens of Kentucky press conferences this season, and this was definitely the first time John mentioned General Ackbar in any way.”

Dan Crowley of The St. Pete Times first became curious when Wall wondered aloud if the idea of the win or go home concept of the Tournament was, “perhaps a bit too Machiavellian” for his tastes, and was especially perplexed when Wall proceeded to explain that the winning team would be whichever was able to, “put the orange spherical object through the netted rims at the highest frequency during the allotted time.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari defended his point guard.

“These allegations are completely ludicrous. The fact that John decided to reference Star Wars andThe Princeat yesterday’s press conference only reinforces the fact that he’s been paying attention in his film studies and political science classes here at Kentucky.”

Kentucky fans have also been supporting Wall, with some going as far as to say the idea that the NCAA would investigate Wall purely because he was speaking eloquently is racist.

“I don’t see how it could be racist,” said St. Pete Times reporter Crowley. "Because from today's press conference, apparently John Wall is a 5’8" white guy in his mid-thirties.”

In an announcement widely anticipated by Kentucky basketball fans across Lexington, freshman point guard sensation John Wall today declared his intentions to enter drunken freshman Ashley Harbrough.

At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, flanked by his mother and UK coach John Calipari, Wall announced the news to the Wildcat faithful.

“Obviously, this won’t come as a shock to you,” said a quiet but confident Wall. “But since I arrived here on the Kentucky campus, many very interesting opportunities have come my way. I think the time has come for me to see what I can do out there, and that’s why today, I am making it official that I plan on entering Ashley Harbrough at approximately 10:15PM this evening.”

Wall said he has already filed the necessary paperwork needed to enter Harbrough. But he added that he has yet to hire an agent, and that he can choose to pull out of Harbrough at any time if he pleases.

“This was not the easiest decision to make,” said Wall in a surprising move. “I had plenty of other options. Lisa. Angela. Pamela. Renee. I could have entered any of them. But to me, Ashley Harbrough is where it’s at.”

When reached for comment, a visibly drunk and bleary-eyed Harbrough reacted to the news with great enthusiasm. “John Walllll? Oh, I LOVE HIM! OMIGOD, he is like a God around here. I’d totally let him do whatever he wanted to me. In the mouth, whatever. He’s just like… amazing! I’M GONNA DO JOHN WALL WOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Wall is just the sixth freshman in Kentucky history to declare early for entering Harbrough. The last to do so was sophomore and Delta Upsilon member Brinks Campbell, back in October of 2009.