Filed Under » Jose Bautista

In the midst of an era in baseball in which any good hitter is suspected of being on steroids, Jose Bautista has been under intense scrutiny. When his PED drug tests came back negative last week, nobody could believe it, including Bautista himself.

"I had always just assumed I was on steroids," said an obviously confused Bautista. "I have always been awful at baseball, so I figured a trainer or my agent or somebody must have slipped me something in an attempt to make me half-decent."

Bautista currently leads the MLB in home runs, on base percentage, slugging percentage and is one of the league leaders in average. This season continues a remarkable 2-year run for the 30 year-old Bautista, who most player evaluation personnel referred to as "amazingly shit-tastic" as recently as 15 months ago.

Former Blue Jays outfielder Vernon Wells confirms that assessment of Bautista's abilities.

"A couple years ago me and Jose were in the cage before a game hitting baseballs off a tee, just to get warmed up before batting practice," says Wells. "And not a word of lie, Jose swung and missed 15 times before weakly hitting one that just barely rolled off the tee. Then he cursed loudly, threw his bat and started crying. I couldn't believe he was a major league player, and now that people are calling him the best in the game, there's no doubt in my mind he has been juicing."

Major League Baseball informed Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Jose Bautista today that he is being suspended for 50 games under the drug code provision that allows the commissioner to suspend anyone who everyone thinks is using steroids.

"In Jose's defense, he has never failed a drug test," said commissioner Bud Selig. "On the other hand, last year at age 29 he suddenly transformed from an established turd of a player with middling home run ability into the most dominating power force the sport has seen in a decade. Sooooooooo … yeah."

Bautista maintains his innocence and says he will appeal the suspension. But there is very little he can do. According to Selig, an anonymous poll was taken of everyone in baseball — players, coaches, front office executives and fans — and 100-percent said they believe Bautista is definitely using something, a unanimous result which triggers the allowance for suspension.

According to one player who asked to remain anonymous, he has heard rumors that Bautista is a deformed tumor that grew off of one of Barry Bonds' pec muscles, was surgically removed, incubated for a year, and then placed into the middle of Toronto's lineup.

"It seems unlikely, I suppose," said the player. "But where else did he come from? The Pirates? That's absolutely ridiculous."