Filed Under » John Wall

Washington Wizards point guard John Wall announced today that his eponymous dance will now conclude with silent weeping and a holding of the head.

"You always have to keep it fresh. I don't want the kids to see the John Wall Dance as dated," said the 2010 No. 1 overall point. "At the same time, I want it to be real and to reflect who I am right now. And that's sad a depressed."

The Wizards have the worst record in the NBA at 1-8 and Wall's numbers are well below his rookie year performance.

"With the old John Wall Dance, it started with the flexing," said Wall. "It still does. But sometimes now, you can skip right through the early part and just do the silent weeping. I do that now after most of my shots."

University of Kentucky Professor Dr. Calvin Goldblatt stopped three people on the way out of his Thursday Introduction to Philosophy class to ask if anyone in the class had seenJohnWalllately. All three students just shook their head and walked on.

"I just don't understand," Dr. Goldblatt said. "His attendance record was perfect in January and February. Then suddenly this month, he was rarely here. I am worried about him."

Goldblatt, who has been at Kentucky for 13 years, but doesn't consider himself much of a sports fan, went on to add thatWallhadn't been in class at all for the last two weeks. Along with missing class,Wallwas absent for last week's midterm exam, and did not show up for his weekly tutoring session.

"I'm just concerned that he'll fall behind in his work," Goldblatt said. "I wouldn't want to have to fail him and make him repeat the class next fall. He's a good kid. But education means everything. Without an education, he won't get anywhere in life. A lot of kids don't want to hear that, but it's true."

Professor Goldblatt inquired about Wall at the university's registrars office, but got no answers.

"Has he dropped out of the school?" said Jane Flinner, a secretary at the registrars office. "Not that I can see. However, at the same time, I can't even find anything official saying he was every enrolled here. However, please, if you do see John, can you get me an autograph?"

Goldblatt also stopped DeMarcus Cousins, another of his students, on campus this morning to ask aboutWall's whereabouts. But, Cousins, who didn't seem to recognize the professor, ignored the question and continued packing boxes into his 2010 Mercedes-Benz ML550.

NCAA officials are investigating allegations that a University of Kentucky tutor answered reporters’ questions in place of freshman basketball star John Wall at a press conference yesterday.

Explained NCAA spokesman Gary Marshall, “There were some inconsistencies in John’s answers that constitute as red flags, and we’re going to do our due diligence, but it’s important to recognize that John is innocent until proven guilty.”

New York Times reporter Todd Smith, who has been covering Wall and Kentucky all season, was the first to notice some odd answers. “John is a pretty simple and straightforward guy, but yesterday things seemed off. For starters, he was adamant that his team not look ahead, ‘lest we turn our next matchup into a trap game, comparable to the trap the Rebel Alliance fell into during the climactic battle ofReturn Of the Jedi.’ I’ve been to dozens of Kentucky press conferences this season, and this was definitely the first time John mentioned General Ackbar in any way.”

Dan Crowley of The St. Pete Times first became curious when Wall wondered aloud if the idea of the win or go home concept of the Tournament was, “perhaps a bit too Machiavellian” for his tastes, and was especially perplexed when Wall proceeded to explain that the winning team would be whichever was able to, “put the orange spherical object through the netted rims at the highest frequency during the allotted time.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari defended his point guard.

“These allegations are completely ludicrous. The fact that John decided to reference Star Wars andThe Princeat yesterday’s press conference only reinforces the fact that he’s been paying attention in his film studies and political science classes here at Kentucky.”

Kentucky fans have also been supporting Wall, with some going as far as to say the idea that the NCAA would investigate Wall purely because he was speaking eloquently is racist.

“I don’t see how it could be racist,” said St. Pete Times reporter Crowley. "Because from today's press conference, apparently John Wall is a 5’8" white guy in his mid-thirties.”

In an announcement widely anticipated by Kentucky basketball fans across Lexington, freshman point guard sensation John Wall today declared his intentions to enter drunken freshman Ashley Harbrough.

At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, flanked by his mother and UK coach John Calipari, Wall announced the news to the Wildcat faithful.

“Obviously, this won’t come as a shock to you,” said a quiet but confident Wall. “But since I arrived here on the Kentucky campus, many very interesting opportunities have come my way. I think the time has come for me to see what I can do out there, and that’s why today, I am making it official that I plan on entering Ashley Harbrough at approximately 10:15PM this evening.”

Wall said he has already filed the necessary paperwork needed to enter Harbrough. But he added that he has yet to hire an agent, and that he can choose to pull out of Harbrough at any time if he pleases.

“This was not the easiest decision to make,” said Wall in a surprising move. “I had plenty of other options. Lisa. Angela. Pamela. Renee. I could have entered any of them. But to me, Ashley Harbrough is where it’s at.”

When reached for comment, a visibly drunk and bleary-eyed Harbrough reacted to the news with great enthusiasm. “John Walllll? Oh, I LOVE HIM! OMIGOD, he is like a God around here. I’d totally let him do whatever he wanted to me. In the mouth, whatever. He’s just like… amazing! I’M GONNA DO JOHN WALL WOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Wall is just the sixth freshman in Kentucky history to declare early for entering Harbrough. The last to do so was sophomore and Delta Upsilon member Brinks Campbell, back in October of 2009.

Kentucky freshman point guard John Wall has dominated college basketball so far this season. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about John Wall.

Johnathan Hildred Wall was born September 6, 1990 in Raleigh, North Carolina. His nickname is "The Great Wall." His other name-related moniker is "Hildred's Got Skill … dreds." It's understandably in a far distant second place to "The Great Wall."

As a fifth-year high school senior during the 2008-2009 season, Wall was ranked as the top point guard in the country and in the top five players overall by every scouting service. Wall hung around his high school for that additional fifth year so he could wow younger chicks with his Trans-Am.

In his senior year, Wall led his his high school, Word of God Christian Academy, to the North Carolina Class 1A state championship, but the team lost on a 40-foot shot at the buzzer. It was just the latest classic game in the rivalry between Word of God Academy and There is No God High.

Wall committed to play for John Calipari at Kentucky on May 19, 2009. He also gave serious consideration to Duke and Miami. Miami. That's hilarious. This kid is going to be huge. Fans love an athlete with a good sense of humor.

During the summer it was discovered that Wall received money from his former AAU coach, which violates NCAA rules because his coach was a certified agent. Wall was suspended for Kentucky's first exhibition game (vs. Campbellsville) and first regular season game (vs. Morehead State). That will teach him to do that again.

Wall is expected to declare for the NBA draft following his freshman season. Thankfully during his fifth year of high school he earned a graduate degree in open gym.