Filed Under » Joe Paterno

The family of the late Joe Paterno announced the findings today of its own investigation into the circumstances surrounding Jerry Sandusky's more than 13-year reign of terror on the Penn State campus. The investigation also included a full review of the Freeh report which fingered Paterno, and other Penn State leaders, for repeatedly failing to stop Sandusky.

"We said all along that we were simply interested in a hearing of the facts," said Jay Paterno at a morning press conference. "And the facts are in. My father, Joe, knowingly allowed a man suspected to be a child rapist to continue to operate in the open, and didn't even stop Jerry Sandusky from using the Penn State football program as a means to lure in his victims. I never wanted this to be true, but again — facts are facts."

Jay Paterno said it was important for his family to conduct a legitimate investigation.

"Our family's good name has suffered enough he already," he said. "Running a sham quote-unquote 'investigation' that was merely a cover to have our high-priced attorneys craft some sort of bullshit, delusional spin about my father's role in all of this wouldn't have done any good. No, getting the full truth out for the victims was always our intent. And beyond that, we as a family want to regain our credibility."

Penn State officials acknowledged today that Joe Paterno's legacy needs a revision in light of the findings in the Freeh Report. In fact, the university's board of trustees has already begun the process.

"Today we stand united in announcing that Penn State has commissioned a new Joe Paterno statue that will stand at the entrance to the university instead of outside of Beaver Stadium, showing that this university is about more than just football," said Penn State board of trustees chair Karen Peetz. "Also, instead of being 7-feet tall and bronze, like the original statue, this new one will be 6-foot-5 — approximately a half-inch shorter or each of Mr. Sandusky's victims — and … well, still made of bronze. But a lower quality bronze, depending on current prices in the bronze market.."

Peetz also said a marquee sculptor would not be chosen for the job, "unless one is willing to accept our budget of just $245,000."

After their usual Wednesday night riot began dispersing, word began to spread among Penn State students that Nittany Lions head football coach Joe Paterno had been fired earlier that evening.

"Whoa. Are you serious? Joe is gone?" said junior Tommy Vanover around 2:00 a.m. "I would totally be up for rioting over that, but I just got maced and I'm tired. Maybe we can riot about it tomorrow."

While most students were upset over the news of Paterno's ouster, others thought it was the right decision.

"This gives us a reason to riot now," said senior Mike McAllister. "Honestly — and don't tell my friends this because they won't respect me anymore — but sometimes our usual riots here seem somewhat pointless. I mean, just last week we torched the town because Chipotle briefly ran out of light sour cream. But this? This is something I can really sink my rioting teeth into."

Students said they would go back to their dorms and apartments, rest up for a few hours, then start drinking and meet up around lunchtime for a new Paterno-based riot.

"Hopefully the town will put some of the streetlights back up by then so we have stuff to tear down," said Katie Jones, Penn State student council president, while vomiting.