Filed Under » Jim Caldwell

Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had a special treat for his team today before practice, letting a man who has worked behind the scenes for the team for many years address the players.

"Fellas, before we go out to practice today," said Manning. "I want us all to remember that many people helped get us here to the Super Bowl. And I don't think we should forget them. So I'd like to have one of those people speak to you today."

Manning then called a man forward and put his arm around him.

"Many of you probably recognize the man here beside me," said the quarterback. "He's not just the kindly black man we pass in the halls or see in the locker room. He does an important job for the Colts. What's your job, Jim? It is Jim, right?"

"Yes, it's Jim. And I'm the head coach," said Caldwell.

"Ha! Good one!" Manning said, slapping Caldwell's back. "Who else here knew that this guy was so funny? Well, Jim, the floor is yours. You have the players' attention."

Caldwell stepped forward, cleared his throat and quietly and nervously spoke.

"This is very exciting for me," he said. "I've thought about this opportunity for a long time."

He then launched into a list of areas he wanted the team to work on in practice and even started writing a play idea on the locker room whiteboard.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Manning eventually interrupted, cutting the man off. "Let's stay in our lane, buddy. Back to the mail room or wherever it is you work."

After Caldwell left, Manning apologized to his team.

"Sorry that got a little awkward," he said. "But I just wanted to remind you that we're playing for all of the employees in this organization. Even the ones with seemingly pointless, menial jobs. And I think that guy showed how important we are to him. Drawing up a play. Hilarious!"

Several Colts players say that if they are fortunate enough to take a big lead in the Super Bowl, they may even run the man's play.

"How often has a team run a play drawn up by a janitor in the Super Bowl?" said center Jeff Saturday. "It would be a cool story."

The Indianapolis Colts are in the Super Bowl. Chances are they have a head coach. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about … about … it says here "Jim Caldwell."

Jim Caldwell was born January 16, 1955 in Beloit, Wisconsin. The Caldwell was one of the most advanced robots created by the U.S. military during the Cold War.

Caldwell was a four-year starter at defensive back at Iowa from 1973 to 1976. Few other details are known, but we can probably assume it was very much like Tony Dungy's collegiate career at Minnesota. But more boring.

After taking a job as a graduate assistant at Iowa in 1977, Caldwell went to Southern Illinois, Northwestern, Colorado, Louisville and then settled at Penn State from 1986 to 1992 as quarterbacks coach. His greatest accomplishment at Penn State was building Kerry Collins into a pro quarterback and teaching him "Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear."

Caldwell was head coach at Wake Forest from 1993 to 2000, compiling a 26-63 record, one winning season and never finishing better than 3-5 in the ACC. Despite the lack of success, Caldwell has said his Wake Forest teams remind him a lot of the Indianapolis Colts, only without Peyton Manning.

While his tenure at Wake Forest was a disaster, the Demon Deacons were ranked among the nation's Top 25 teams in passing offense on four different occasions in eight years, including 10th in the NCAA in 1995 when quarterback Rusty LaRue established seven NCAA passing records. Today Rusty LaRue serves as … I don't know. Probably the name for some kind of disgusting sex act. I'd Google it, but I just ate lunch.

Caldwell joined the Tampa Bay Buccaneers staff in 2001 as quarterbacks coach and followed Tony Dungy to Indianapolis in 2002. He was named associate head coach of the Colts on January 21, 2008. As associate head coach, he served as Tony Dungy's right hand man. But not in a gay way.

Caldwell and his wife have four children: Jim 2.0, Jim 3.0, Jim 4.0 and Natalie.

1:00 p.m. ET

New England at Buffalo (+6.5)

The Patriots have gone 16-1 over the last 17 games in this series. Since Buffalo doesn't really have anything to play for, they should just let New England win the next two to go 18-1 and then point and laugh.

My pick: Buffalo

Arizona at Detroit (+14)

The Lions have two wins this year, but are they any closer to being even decent than they were during last year's 0-16 season? They still have Calvin Johnson, which is nice. But running back Kevin Smith was lousy before he got hurt. Their defense remains terrible. And Matthew Stafford, Browns game aside, has been pretty bad. So … where does that leave them? Well, they're currently only in line for the fourth overall pick, so no Ndamukong Suh. And with a sure thing gone, they'll probably just take the biggest bust still on the board.

My pick: Arizona

Miami at Tennessee (-5)

If the season ended today, the Dolphins would be in the playoffs. And we can't let that happen. Please, Titans … please win. We beg of you. Nothing against the Dolphins, I like their style of play. But I can't take this:

Or Jimmy Buffet.

Or Marc Anthony.

Or Jennifer Lopez.

I'd rather have Serena Williams shove a tennis ball in my ears.

My pick: Tennessee

Cleveland at Kansas City (-2)

These teams can only embarrass themselves by taking the field. What they should do is decide to just both take a tie — no losers that way — and then invite fans down onto the field to watch a highlights montage of their victories over the Steelers.

My pick: Cleveland (and to win)

Houston at St. Louis (+14)

West Texas A&M alum Keith Null, a Ryan Leaf protege — no, really — threw five interceptions in his NFL debut last week. It reminded me of the Johnny Cash classic that goes: "Out in the West Texas school near El Paso, I throw a ball like a Mexican girl."

My pick: Houston

Atlanta at New York Jets (-7)

Here's the opening paragraph to ESPN.com's preview for this game: "Three wins in a row over struggling opponents have revived the New York Jets'playoff hopes. Getting Mark Sanchezback could help." Hey! Leave some jokes for the rest of us!

My pick: Atlanta

4:05 p.m. ET

Oakland at Denver (-14)

The Raiders have signed J.P. Losman. Poor guy. He went from Tulane to the Bills to the UFL to the Raiders — a downward trajectory the entire way. The only way for him to turn things around at this point might be to do some porn.

My pick: Denver

Cincinnati at San Diego (-7)

The NFL is prepared to fine Chad Ochocinco if he wears No. 15 in honor of Chris Henry. Classy, NFL! Really classy! Anyway, you have been warned, Ochocinco. If you choose to get fined, know you had it coming. Just like Chris Henry — right, Jay Feely?

My pick: San Diego

4:15 p.m. ET

San Francisco at Philadelphia (-7.5)

This game was supposed to start at 1:00 p.m. but got pushed back so stadium workers would have enough time to clear snow from the field. Poor planning. Terrible planning. All they had to do to keep snow off the field was lay one of Andy Reid's windbreakers out on the field before the storm came. Why do I always have to think of everything?

My pick: San Francisco

Green Bay at Pittsburgh (-2)

Really? The Steelers are favored in a football game? Against NFL players? The Steelers — the team that has lost to the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns in recent weeks? I guess it's out of respect for their accomplishments and what they're still capable of. Sports books of Vegas, Ryan Clark does NOT think you are turds!

My pick: Pittsburgh

Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6.5)

Mike Holmgren has turned down an offer to become general manager of the Seahawks. Nice. So he created the turd pile (turds!) that is the Seahawks, left for a few months, and now has decided he wants to be someplace else. He must be a great house guest.

"I'm not flushing that toilet."

"Why? You're the one who filled it."

"I want a new toilet that's not full of this mess."

"Just flush the one you have."

"I will not. Please show me to a new toilet. And give me money."

"Okay. But that one has been full of plenty of turds, too."

"Ahh, but they weren't my turds."

My pick: Seattle

Chicago at Baltimore (-11)

This game was also supposed to be played at 1:00 p.m. but got pushed back due to snow. But who cares about this game. Instead, let's look at some football-related snowman art. Here is the first one. And now, the second. What have we learned, class? Yes, blocks in the back, pass interference, unnecessary roughness … snowmen are very undisciplined football players.

My pick: Baltimore

8:20 p.m. ET

Minnesota at Carolina (+8.5)

Brett Favre: "I don't think I'm falling apart in December like most people seem to think. So I feel fine. I don't feel much different than most guys in that locker room at this stage of the season." Way to throw your teammates under the tractor, Bert. So you're saying your entire team isn't playing well, huh? Same old jerk.

My pick: Minnesota

Monday night

New York Giants at Washington (+3)

You're welcome, Mike Shanahan.

My pick: New York Giants

Saturday night

Dallas at New Orleans (-7.5)

The Cowboys are having another disastrous December. Some people like to make fun of them for this. But I am a giving sort. So I commissioned a song for the Dallas Cowboys.

Stupid British accents. When they say "There won't be playoffs in Dallas" it sounds like "There won't be snow in Africa." And "Win a game" sounds like "Feed the world." But other than that, great job, gents!

Except for you, Bono. "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you"? Jeez. What a dick. I realize the Cowboys are easy to hate. But that was a little too cruel.

My pick: Dallas

Thursday night

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3)

Hey! Exciting news! I got an exclusive interview with Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell for this game's preview.

SP: First of all, Coach Caldwell, thank you for your time.

Caldwell:

SP: Okay. Moving right along. Coach, you're 13-0. Three games to go to a possible 16-0. Is that a goal for your team?

Caldwell:

SP: I see. Well, coach, I'll get right to it and ask the question I think we all want to know — are you just a new version of the Tony Dungy robot, pictured here, only without the software program that allows speech?

Caldwell:

SP: Okay. Well, thanks for your time, coach.

Caldwell:

My pick: Indianapolis***