Filed Under » Jay Cutler

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said today that his “close, personal relationship with Satan, Prince of Darkness” is not something that should be open to ridicule by the fans, the media or opponents.

“I worship Satan. Everything I do and say is for Beelzebub,” said Cutler. “I don’t see why people think my personal beliefs are to be mocked. You wouldn’t hear this about a player who was a Christian or a Muslim. But for some reason in this society, people think it’s okay to look down on you for trying to live an evil life. It’s wrong. I will feel no remorse when I kill them and eat their organs.”

Cutler says he came upon Satanism the way anyone finds their true faith.

“The world is a horrible place, simultaneously full of misery and nothing,” he said. “I am reminded of this every time I am sacked. And because life is a meaningless trek to death and eternal blackness, why would I pick one of those fairy religions that talk about love and crap?”

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler severed all ties with Bears center Chris Spencer today after a fumbled snap while practicing goal line plays at training camp.

After the ball fell to the ground between them, Cutler ripped his helmet off, walked off the field and was heard yelling at head coach Lovie Smith: “Get him out of my sight! I can’t ever be on a field with him again! Ever!” He then stormed into the locker room, where sources say he had “a good cry.”

Spencer was confused by Cutler’s reaction, insisting the snap had been clean but that the quarterback had pulled away too fast.

“Oh, of course that’s what he would say,” said Cutler. “He’s always blaming me. Well, I’ve had enough. These little things have been adding up and I can’t take it anymore. We’re over. There’s no way I’m spending my whole career with him.”