Oh, no. Cutler has become self-aware. He knows we're laughing at him. What now?
That baby already smirks at a 5th grade level.
"Every time he would give me the ball on a handoff, he would say 'Nice gloves, gaywad,'" said Michael Bush. "We're all used to him being a prick. But making fun of someone for supporting cancer awareness is a new low even for him."
After being made fun of for two quarters and all of halftime, several of Cutler's teammates confronted him about his behavior on the sidelines during the third quarter. Wide receiver Brandon Marshall told Cutler that he had lost an aunt to breast cancer and that the fight against the disease is very important to him. Kellen Davis, Devin Hester and Robbie Gould echoed Marshall.
"I'm sorry, ladies aren't allowed to talk to players on the sideline," said Cutler. "If you need tampons, you can probably buy them in the women's bathroom," he added, high-fiving himself.
He doesn't cry. He throws tantrums. Big difference. Read a parenting book.
Picture Jay Cutler Press Conference Face
His respect for the media is evident.
On the way out of town to the airport, Cutler instructed the team bus driver to pull into a Green Bay Walmart. Five minutes later Cutler returned to the bus with a Walmart bag.
"Here you go, fellas," he said, taking the watches out of the bag and tossing them to his linemen. "Great work tonight. Only seven sacks and I can still walk. Super work out there."
"Oh, wow. Thanks, Jay!" said left tackle J'Marcus Webb, excitedly opening his watch case to extract the plastic, digital watch. "I thought you would be mad at us. But new watches? You're the best!"
"Jeezus, you guys are hopeless," said Cutler. "It a sarcastic gift, idiots. I'm telling you how much you suck by giving you shit watches. If you were good and didn't get me killed on nearly every play, I would do like some quarterbacks do with their lines and buy you Rolexes. You get it? Ah, nevermind. I'm not explaining this to a bunch of morons. You guys can't block or be insulted properly. I hate you."
Pretty tough for a guy with an opposite-of-tough game.
"I worship Satan. Everything I do and say is for Beelzebub," said Cutler. "I don't see why people think my personal beliefs are to be mocked. You wouldn't hear this about a player who was a Christian or a Muslim. But for some reason in this society, people think it's okay to look down on you for trying to live an evil life. It's wrong. I will feel no remorse when I kill them and eat their organs."
Cutler says he came upon Satanism the way anyone finds their true faith.
"The world is a horrible place, simultaneously full of misery and nothing," he said. "I am reminded of this every time I am sacked. And because life is a meaningless trek to death and eternal blackness, why would I pick one of those fairy religions that talk about love and crap?"
After the ball fell to the ground between them, Cutler ripped his helmet off, walked off the field and was heard yelling at head coach Lovie Smith: "Get him out of my sight! I can't ever be on a field with him again! Ever!" He then stormed into the locker room, where sources say he had "a good cry."
Spencer was confused by Cutler's reaction, insisting the snap had been clean but that the quarterback had pulled away too fast.
"Oh, of course that's what he would say," said Cutler. "He's always blaming me. Well, I've had enough. These little things have been adding up and I can't take it anymore. We're over. There's no way I'm spending my whole career with him."