Filed Under » Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jacksonville Jaguars passed over local legend Tim Tebow in the NFL Draft, but they have signed a new player they hope will finally get some fans in the stands at Jacksonville Municipial Stadium: a real vampire.

"Vampires are the biggest thing going right now," said Jaguars general manager Gene Smith. "My daughter talks constantly about Twilight and True Blood and all those shows. Some people says it's just because she's unattractive and unpopular, but so what. We'll take any fans we can get."

Tebow could fly up Jesus-style and get Jaxson De Ville down.

I can imagine there was a lot of pressure starting to build up in that giant cat's head from hanging upside-down for so long. But no worries. When a mascot's head explodes, brains and blood don't fly everywhere. Blood-soaked confetti does. And that's awesome.

AVOID: Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jaguars — Sims-Walker didn't have any receptions in Jacksonville's Week 1 loss the Colts, but since then he has had 6 catches for 106 yards and a TD against the Cardinals, 6-81-0 versus the Texans and 7-91-2 against the Titans. Those numbers put him near the top of the list for fantasy points among wide receivers this season … yet he is still available in most leagues. As he should be. Consider … Mike Sims-Walker is single. He is good with his hands. He is evasive. He is in his mid-20s. He is fit. He is a loner. (Well, he plays at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, which is pretty lonely.) And he has three names. If the Jaguars thought Matt Jones snorting coke was bad, wait until they find out they have a serial killer on their team.

Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver announced today that his team will wear a new blue and orange alternate jersey for the remainder of the season. Each jersey will also have the number 15 on it and the name "TEBOW" on the back.

"Many teams do throwback jerseys," said Weaver. "But our franchise hasn't been around very long. Our jersey is the same. I'm kind of looking at this as the first throw-ahead jersey. Well, hopefully."

As the Jaguars continue to fail to draw fans to their home games or generate much interest at all in north Florida, Weaver has recently expressed a desire to draft the Florida Gators star in a move he hopes will create a fan base for his team.

Current Jaguars quarterback David Garrard says he is not surprised by the move to the alternate Tebow jerseys.

"Wayne has been on this big Tebow push for weeks," says Garrard. "He'll call me at all hours of the day and say: 'Hey, David. What do you think about playing quarterback a bit more Tebow-y?' And I'll ask him what he means by 'Tebow-y.' And he says: 'You know … awesome.'"

While reaction to the new jersey among Jaguars players is mixed, at best, Weaver says he has already noticed a huge increase in ticket sales for the next home game.

"We got three calls for single-game tickets before lunch today," he said. "One time, our receptionist even had to put someone on hold! That's never happened for us before. I'm even considering getting a second phone line in our ticket sales department."

Jacksonville's opponents also expect a noticeable change.

"I told my team that they don't look very good on film," said Gary Kubiak, head coach of the Texans, Jacksonville's next opponent. "But when they all take the field in those Tebow jerseys, they're going to be very intimidating. And they'll have God on their side, too."

Garrard, who says he realizes his days are probably numbered in Jacksonville, will try to be a good employee and grant his boss' wishes to play more "Tebow-y."

"I guess it can't hurt, you know?" says Garrard. "Tebow does win. But I'm not, under any circumstances, doing that jump-pass thing of his. That is beyond gay. I do have some self-respect."

A day after Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow this year to invigorate the franchise's flagging fanbase, the Florida Gators quarterbacked reacted strongly.

"I am a big fan or murder. I do it a lot myself, in fact," said Tebow during a press conference broadcast only to the Jacksonville area. "I also enjoy interceptions. Many times I throw a football wildly into a playground, striking a child in the head and killing it. This hobby of mine combines my two great loves: murder and inaccurate passing."

Then Tebow really tried to show the Jaguars he's not the person they think he is and said the the first curse word of his life: "Farts!" he yelled. "Gosh golly farts! If I was an NFL team, I wouldn't draft me. I'm too big of a risk. Farts!"

At the same time Tebow was holding his Jacksonville-targeted press conference, representatives of the quarterback were contacting NFL front offices to inform them that his comments were merely a ploy to have the Jaguars lose interest in his services.

"Most of the teams I spoke to told me that this actually improves their impression of Tim," said Tebow's mother, Pam. "They want players who want to play for winners. They said anyone who doesn't want to play for the Jaguars is their kind of player."

Tebow said he thinks his press conference will be successful in keeping him away from Jacksonville. But he also admits he may have gone too far.

"Cursing felt so good," said Tebow. "I've been waiting my whole life to do something naughty. Farts! And now I have. Farts! And it feels amazing. Farts! Farts! Farts!"

The Gators star says he is fighting the urge to go to a nearby playground and throw a pass into a bunch of kids.

"I don't want to kill one," he said. "Just maybe make one of them cry. Maybe some blood. I think it would be fun. I'm just on such a high from doing something bad. I feel so free! Flatulence!"