Filed Under » Indianapolis Colts

These are the people who will be cheering on the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV:

"Honey, I think we had a bye this week."

Unbeknownst to their father, the boys were far more interested in figure skating.

When games get stressful, Blue the Mascot can always relax with some manual stimulation.

indianapolis.metromix.com/content_image/full/871911/560/370">At center is the hottest woman in the state of Indiana.

Hours later, the little girl shot her brother to death.

New Jersey's only Colts bar.

Celebrating after another night of getting plowed by the Colts' offensive line.

This is one of only 75,000 like it in the state of Indiana.

Even cocker spaniels love the Colts.

He got this for being the team's only black fan.

A Colts fan poses with backup quarterback Jim Sorgi.

"Perfect, son. Now Marvin Harrison won't be able to see you to shoot you."

Colts fans are adorable when their dreams are crushed.

There is a lot more than the Lombardi Trophy on the line next Sunday. There are also some 12,000 homeless people up for grabs, too.

A friendly Super Bowl wager between the mayors of New Orleans and Indianpolis means more than 10,000 homeless will find a new "home" based on the outcome of Super Bowl XLIV. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard placed the bet on Thursday, and the losing city will be sent the winner’s entire homeless population.

“We wanted to make a meaningful bet,” said Nagin. “None of this: ‘We’ll give you New Orleans gumbo if we lose and you give us … whatever Indianapolis has if we win' crap. That’s been done a thousand times before and it’s all meaningless. We wanted to make a bet with some consequence.”

While Ballard originally had the idea of swapping wives, he says he thinks Nagin's idea has more political upside.

“Can this city support or afford to take on the influx of 12,000 homeless people bussed up here from New Orleans?” posed Ballard. “Of course not. That would decimate our resources and our streets would be choked with the urine-soaked rift raft. But we’re four-point favorites. That's almost a lock. I’ve already started loading up our homeless into garbage trucks to ship them down there. I’m going to become governor off of this bet. Maybe even senator.”

Nagin acknowledges his Saints are underdogs, but feels the risk is worth taking.

"With the economy the way it is, the homeless population is only going to keep rising," he said. "So this is my shot to get a clean start. If the Saints lose and we get all the Indianapolis homeless? Hey, no harm no foul. They can all huddle together for warmth.”

Muskrat Mike, a vagabond who has roamed the streets of New Orleans for 20 years, says he would welcome a change of scenery and hopes the Saints win so he can be shipped off to Indianapolis.

“The world is a big place. There are so many more park benches to sleep on, so many more stairs to cower under during a rain storm,” said Muskrat Mike. “I want to get out of New Orleans. But I don’t know if I can leave because of the microchip the government put in my brain. In my brain! The government is trying to kill us all! Conspiracy! Conspiracy! Conspiracy!” he added, reaching into his pants to fling a log of feces at a passerby.

The Indianapolis Colts are in the Super Bowl. Chances are they have a head coach. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about … about … it says here "Jim Caldwell."

Jim Caldwell was born January 16, 1955 in Beloit, Wisconsin. The Caldwell was one of the most advanced robots created by the U.S. military during the Cold War.

Caldwell was a four-year starter at defensive back at Iowa from 1973 to 1976. Few other details are known, but we can probably assume it was very much like Tony Dungy's collegiate career at Minnesota. But more boring.

After taking a job as a graduate assistant at Iowa in 1977, Caldwell went to Southern Illinois, Northwestern, Colorado, Louisville and then settled at Penn State from 1986 to 1992 as quarterbacks coach. His greatest accomplishment at Penn State was building Kerry Collins into a pro quarterback and teaching him "Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear."

Caldwell was head coach at Wake Forest from 1993 to 2000, compiling a 26-63 record, one winning season and never finishing better than 3-5 in the ACC. Despite the lack of success, Caldwell has said his Wake Forest teams remind him a lot of the Indianapolis Colts, only without Peyton Manning.

While his tenure at Wake Forest was a disaster, the Demon Deacons were ranked among the nation's Top 25 teams in passing offense on four different occasions in eight years, including 10th in the NCAA in 1995 when quarterback Rusty LaRue established seven NCAA passing records. Today Rusty LaRue serves as … I don't know. Probably the name for some kind of disgusting sex act. I'd Google it, but I just ate lunch.

Caldwell joined the Tampa Bay Buccaneers staff in 2001 as quarterbacks coach and followed Tony Dungy to Indianapolis in 2002. He was named associate head coach of the Colts on January 21, 2008. As associate head coach, he served as Tony Dungy's right hand man. But not in a gay way.

Caldwell and his wife have four children: Jim 2.0, Jim 3.0, Jim 4.0 and Natalie.

Let's focus on the keys to the game for each team in Sunday's conference championship games.

3:05 p.m. ET

New York Jets at Indianapolis (-7.5)

>>> Colts key to the game: Limit the destructive influence of Donald

"Goddamit, Donald! What the hell are you thinking?"

"How could you not expect our left tackle to get beaten immediately by legendary Ravens linebacker … umm … it says here that No. 95 on Baltimore roster is Jarret Johnson. How could you not expect that?! It's Jarret Johnson! He's great! You've ruined the play, Donald. You've ruined EVERYTHING. If Marvin Harrison was still here, I'd have him shoot you right in your stupid face."

>>> Jets key to the game: Help Mark Sanchez

Yes, the Jets can't put the game in Mark Sanchez's hands. That's obvious. But he needs way more help than that. Let's start with his diet. Check out this article from the New York Post:

"10 things you didn't know about Mark Sanchez:"

"6. Eats at Taco Bell every chance he gets."

What the? Taco Bell?! Sanchez's great-grandparents moved to the United States from Mexico. He probably grew up around great, authentic Mexican food. And he likes to eat at Taco Bell???

This is not good. Not good at all.

Take a look at this Twitter post from John Calipari. Olive Garden?! Really? Olive Garden? An Italian guy digging Olive Garden.

We have a serious problem on our hands. Americans with Mexican heritage love Taco Bell. Americans with Italian heritage love Olive Garden.

Jeez. I'm more ethnic than these guys.

My pick: Indianapolis***

6:45 p.m. ET

Minnesota at New Orleans (-3.5)

>>> Saints key to the game: Get the ball to Reggie Bush

Bush finally exploded in New Orleans' divisional round win against the Cardinals. So the Vikings have had to come up with a game plan for how to stop him. So far it doesn't sound like the have much:

"We'll have a plan that doesn't involve us pooping our pants." — Chris Kluwe, P, Vikings

Sooooo … I guess that's a place to start. Be on guard, Bush. If the Vikings realize that they can still poop themselves, only after removing their pants, allowing the poop to fall onto the field, which will then cause you to slip and fall on their feces as you cut across the field, you are doomed. It's Football 101.

>>> Vikings key to the game: Try to be less loathsome

As though rooting for Brett Favre to fail wasn't enough, there's your stupid dome, your stupid Viking horn, your pederast coach and your douchebag defensive lineman. Then you inspired Prince to compose the worst song ever. Oh, wait. Breaking news. This just in. Prince's song somehow isn't the worst song ever. It's this one (h/t KSK):

Sweet Lord. In all of that FAIL, the worst part may be at the 1:00 mark. Oh. Wow! You hit Drew Brees after he got a pass off. That's the best clip you could pull from Madden, a game you have full control over? Yeah, this is a fan base used to failure.

One last thing. Despite all I said about the Vikings and their fans, please refrain from making personal attacks about the people in that video. They can't help the way they look. And they don't even look that bad. The lead singer doesn't even have man boobs. At least I don't think he does. Man boobs don't sit that high. I think those are collarbone tits. Very rare. Cherish them.

My pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis has done it again. Twenty-six years after the Colts left town, Baltimore is losing the Ravens to Indianapolis, too. Win or lose against the Colts in their divisional round playoff game, the Ravens plan to say in Indiana and never return.

"This was the carrot we dangled to them before the Patriots game," said Ravens head coach John Harbaugh. "Beat New England and you'll never have to live or work in Baltimore again. I think we all saw how motivated the players were to make that dream a reality."

The Ravens say they would have moved to greener pastures immediately after the Patriots game, but they had to return to Baltimore to pack up their belongings.

"I have $24,000 worth of audio and video equipment in my condo that I use to watch TV, primarily episodes of 'The Wire'," said tight end Todd Heap. "I felt it was the best way to appreciate my time in Baltimore."

Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, a Baltimore native, says he is excited about the move.

"I grew up watching the Colts, and then I saw them leave for bigger opportunities," he said. "That's the dream of every young kid in Baltimore. Have success so you can move out of here. We're ready to take that step."

Bisciotti says he isn't worried about being the second NFL team in Indianapolis —"It's better than being surrounded by the Eagles, Redskins and Steelers markets," he said — and understands many Baltimore residents will be upset by the move.

"This can't be happening," said Tammy Hafer, a Baltimore plumber and member of the Ravens band. "This is twice now we've had our team taken right out from under us. We would never do this to anyone else."

Baltimore city officials are reportedly already close to a deal to bring the Jacksonville Jaguars to Baltimore beginning with the 2011 season.

Six years into his career with the Indianapolis Colts, Jim Sorgi is starting to think he is in a dead-end job.

“I’ve worked for the Colts since 2004. I’ve put in my time, done everything they asked and I’m still in the same position I was when I got here,” said Sorgi, who graduated from the University of Wisconsin in 2004. “If they don’t think I have a future here, I’m going to have to consider other options.”

The second-string quarterback says he is starting to get pressure from his wife about his lack of work success.

“People we knew in college, guys like Chris Chambers, are starting for NFL teams – good NFL teams,” said Sorgi. “Their wives keep talking about how big and successful their husbands are, all the Pro Bowls they’re making and stuff. And what does my wife have? Nothing. The Colts don’t even let me play so I can build up my resume and get some other organizations interested. I am an embarrassment to my wife.”

But Sorgi says he is determined to change that.

“I don’t want to be stuck here in Indiana forever as some no-name backup,” he said. “I’ve got a wife, a son, I’m going to be 29 years old later this season. I deserve better. I deserve it. And I’m going to go into coach [Jim] Caldwell’s office and tell him that and demand that I become the starter. He won’t want to risk losing me and he’ll give me the job. I just know it.”

Sorgi says he has his whole pitch in his head.

“I’m going to explain how I am almost never hurt and how I know all of our plays,” he said. “And then I’m going to remind him that Peyton Manning hasn’t won a Super Bowl in three years. He’s out shooting commercials and accepting awards while the true behind-the-scenes leaders like me are trying to keep this ship afloat. Nothing against Peyton personally. This is just business. And I think it's time the organization sees if it can do better with someone else in charge.”

Caldwell says he has been given the heads up that Sorgi is itching for a promotion, but is doubtful he can offer one.

“Promotion? No,” he said. “Maybe a slight pay increase. Maybe a seat on the bench with a better view. But like it or not, Jim is not the guy we see leading this team now or in the future. That’s just the way it is. And especially in this economy there are no promotions to be had. Jim should be thankful he has a job.”

Sorgi has made a reservation at one of Indianapolis' most expensive restaurants for dinner tonight to celebrate his promotion with his wife.

"I can't wait to tell her the good news," he said excitedly as he headed into Caldwell's office.

DRAFT: Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Colts — With Marvin Harrison finally out of the picture in Indianapolis, Gonzalez's numbers should be well above last year's totals of 57 receptions for 664 yards and 4 TDs. Granted, Gonzalez is not as explosive as Harrison, but Harrison was an all-time great. Also, he packed imported Belgian firearms. So consider drafting Anthony Gonzalez. Just be prepared to have a player on your team who looks like a giant penis.