With a long, grueling NFL season at a close, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has decided to take a rare break from football so he can clear his mind, relax and reenergize for next season. And so he has dived into film of people relaxing.
"I'm not really a normal human being," said Manning. "I don't quite know how to relax or 'chill out' as I've heard teammates refer to it. But it's something I want to do. A goal. And I know that no one accomplishes their goals without hard work. And that's what I am prepared to do."
Since arriving back in Indianapolis late Sunday night following the Super Bowl, Manning has been breaking down tape of people enjoy many different kinds of relaxation napping, laying on the beach, reading books, hiking, getting massages, surfing.
"What I do when I watch film is I look for tendencies," said Manning. "Do people stand or sit a certain way when they relax? Is there an expression they make or thing that they say? It can be any little thing. But what I've learned from football is that the littlest things make the biggest impact."
Manning has enlisted the help of Colts receivers Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie. The three of them have been showing up at the team's practice facilities at 6:00 a.m. to go through relaxation reps.
"You know what would be relaxing?" said Garcon. "Staying in bed. Why do you make us come out here?"
"We can rest when we get this relaxation RIGHT," said Manning. "Not until then. I won't stop working until I am relaxed. And I expect the same from everyone else. Do you want to have fun and be carefree or not?"
More than 106 million people watched the Saints and Colts play in Super Bowl XLIV the largest audience for a TV program in U.S. history.
Who were the people who did and did not watch the game? Here's what Nielsen tells us.
Colts backers (residents of the City of Indianapolis, including some people in surrounding Marion County)
Saints backers (residents of Earth not living in Indianapolis proper)
the few remaining living fans of The Who
former FEMA chief Michael Brown (but not until late in the game)
families of players
secret families of players
the understandably proud parents of those talking E-Trade babies
people with a mole fetish
Brett Favre (BWAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!)
those legitimately trying to find out who dat
non-sports fans who couldn't find the remote
WHO DIDN'T WATCH
Cooper Manning (couldn't get out of shift at Red Lobster)
Eli Manning (couldn't find his way out of ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese)
dumber Saints fans who have yet to find their way out of their paper bags
THE GODDAMN REFS HOW THE FK IS THAT NOT A HOLDING PENALTY?!?!?!
Drew Brees' son (napping)
The Who (napping)
those furiously masturbating to a tape of the Lingerie Bowl
those furiously masturbating to the Puppy Bowl
remaining living Who fans whose outdated TVs never underwent the digital conversion
sports fans who couldn't find the remote
For the first time since Super Bowl XII the Super Bowl MVP will be shared. In 1978 Randy White and Harvey Martin of the Dallas Cowboys shared the award, and now the left and right nuts of New Orleans Saints' head coach Sean Payton have earned the honor.
"They stepped up huge for us," said Saints quarterback Drew Brees, who threw for 288 yards and two touchdowns in the win. "They don't get a lot of attention because they're hidden inside his pants, but we couldn't have won without them."
Despite being smaller than every player on the field at just 140 pounds apiece, Payton's testicles proved the difference in the game by calling for an onside kick to open the second half. This after going for it on 4th-and-goal and failing late in the second half. The Saints recovered the kick and scored their first touchdown of the game, taking the lead in the game.
"I don't know which one of them called for it, or if they made the decision together," said Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey. "But I wanted to hug his entire scrotum after we got the kick."
Indianapolis head coach Jim Caldwell said he could only tip his cap to Payton's nuts.
"We prepared for Drew Brees, we prepared for their running backs and receivers," he said. "But we couldn't contain his balls. They overwhelmed us."
With their newfound notoriety, Payton's testicles are expected to have numerous endorsement and adult film opportunities. But they are first headed to Disney World.
"My wife and I are taking a much needed vacation," said Payton. "My testicles still have some work to do."
SAINTS vs. COLTS (-5)
There's nothing that can be added to any analysis of these teams or this game at this point after two weeks of hype. Instead, let's take a look at some of the prop bets you should bet on.
Peyton Manning total passing yards will be an
Odd number (-115) / Even number (-115) Have you seen Peyton Manning? Dude is odd. Very odd. Any time you have a chance to put money on his oddness, do it.
Total pass attempts by Peyton Manning
Over 36.5 (-135) / Under 36.5 (+105) A Super Bowl is everything Peyton Manning has worked for his entire life. Do you honestly think he won't check to a passing play at every opportunity? That he won't much rather put the game in his hands over those of Joseph Addai or Goddammit Donald? This is an easy one.
Will Reggie Wayne score a TD in the game?
Yes (+110) / No (-140) He's Indianapolis' top receiver, they run a pass-happy offense and New Orleans' defense isn't all that great. Yes seems like a fairly safe pick. I just wish some sports book was offering odds on a Marvin Harrison Super Bowl TD. I could see him showing up and demanding one at gunpoint.
Total pass receiving yards by Jeremy Shockey
Over 28.5 (-135) / Under 28.5 (+105) This game could go either way. But there is one thing we know: Jeremey Shockey is a massive douchebag. He will do everything in his power to finish the game with 69 yards.
Team to make the most successful field goals in the game
Saints (+110) / Colts (-140) Garrett Hartley is a rookie. Matt Stover has been around longer and is the better kicker. So I'm taking him. Of course, saying a team will make the most successful field goals in a game doesn't say much for their chances of winning and is sort of a backhanded compliment. Like saying someone is a good kicker.
Will there be a safety in the game?
Yes (+800) / No (-1200) BOOM! Easy pick. I'm putting a fortune on this one. Have to be specific, Vegas, or seasoned gamblers like me will bankrupt you! Just because the safeties in this game will likely have receivers running right past them time and time again, does not mean they aren't safeties.
The coin toss will be
Heads (-115) / Tails (-115) Peyton Manning, Drew Brees. In a game featuring massive foreheads, it's likely the game will open Heads, too.
How many times will CBS show Kim Kardashian during the game?
Over 2.5 (-135) / Under 2.5 (+105) I'm going over, assuming this includes shots of the top of her head or her from behind.
How many times will CBS show Archie Manning during the game?
Over 4.5 (-210) / Under 4.5 (+170) I'm going over, assuming this includes shots of the top of his head or him from behind. (Hey, a guy who was that bad in the NFL has to earn his constant praise from the media somehow.)
Oh, right. And the game itself
My pick: Saints (and to win)
If EA Sports is right, the Indianapolis Colts will hoist the Lombardi Trophy at the end of Super Bowl XLIV.
Using a video game simulation of Super Bowl XLIV with their football franchiseMadden NFL, the publisher predicts the Colts will defeat the New Orleans Saints 37-31 thanks to a crushing Drew Brees interception returned for a touchdown in the final minute. The turnover will be the fifth and final one by the Saints in a game that seemed destined they would lose, no matter how well they played.
"The Saints put forth a valiant effort with some flawless play-calling and outstanding execution," said EA spokesman Brian Noll. "But it seemed the computer had it in for them. You know how that is sometimes."
Brees' first interception of the game came on New Orleans' opening drive when the Saints went 64 yards to the Colts' 18-yard line in four plays. On the very next play, Brees spotted Marques Colston breaking open on a post pattern near the end zone and let the ball go. But, seemingly out of nowhere, Colts linebacker Gary Brackett leaped high into the air and caught the ball one-handed even though it was being thrown 12 yards downfield past him.
"A very impressive play. Almost inconceivable," said EA's Noll. "But guys step up in the Super Bowl."
The Colts responded three plays later. After being shut down for a total of two yards on their first two plays, Pierre Garcon caught the ball on a slant pattern and bowled over five Saints defenders on the way to an 86-yard touchdown.
The Saints then fumbled the ensuing kickoff, setting the Colts up for a 14-0 lead on a Peyton Manning touchdown pass that was lasered in to Reggie Wayne between three Saints' defenders in blanket coverage. Manning also appeared to have been hit a good second before he released the ball, but the blow did not affect the ball's perfect flight. New Orleans stormed back after that thanks to some determined play and eventually tied the score 31-31 but it was not meant to be.
"They had to know the computer wasn't going to let them win," said Noll. "It was that kind of game."
Brees' final interception came as New Orleans was driving into field goal range for a game-winning kick. At Indianapolis' 33-yard-line, Brees rolled out to his left and hit a wide open Reggie Bush on a screen pass. But the pass unexpectedly caromed off Bush high into the air, where it landed in the arms of Indianapolis' Jerraud Powers, who ran it back 70 yards for the game's decisive score as time expired.
"Even for a classic Madden computer screw job, it was hard to watch," said Noll.
TMZ is reporting that Colts quarterback Peyton Manning and several members of his entourage were arrested early this morning after one of them opened fire inside a Miami gentleman’s club. The incident occurred at 3:25 AM at King of Diamonds, a club located near South Beach.
According to witnesses, the incident started when members of Manning’s posse exchanged words with another group of men, reportedly over a woman. Within minutes, the words escalated to pushing and shoving and shots were fired resulting in a “mini-riot” as patrons rushed to the exit.
Several witnesses reported that a member of Manning’s posse did the shooting at the urging of Manning himself.
“There was all this pushing and shoving and Manning was standing off to the side screaming things like ‘Kick his ass’ and ‘Fk him up!’” said a bartender who works at the club. “Then somebody threw a bottle off his head so he grabbed one of his boys and was like ‘Take ‘em out!’ and that’s when the guy started shooting.”
After the initial shot was fired, patrons began rushing for the exits, creating a chaotic and frightening scene. The conflict continued outside with more pushing and shoving and several shots fired.
“It was a nightmare. Everybody was trying to get out at the same time,” said one witness. “Then, you get out to the parking lot and it’s still going on. And it’s all Manning. He’s orchestrating the whole thing. He’s like ‘Yo, take out that motherfker! Put him down!’ Then he was kicking and punching guys who were on the ground. I mean, I never took him for a real violent guy, but I guess this is what happens when you can’t handle your liquor.”
As cruisers and EMT’s arrived on the scene, Manning strutted around the parking lot, gesturing to the crowd and urging them to cheer him on.
“It was like the WWE,” said one witness. “He was walking around with his hand to his ear saying ‘Let me here it! Let me here it, motherfkers!’ And, of course, everybody was cheering him on, even though he’s a thug. It was a real pathetic scene. Thankfully, I captured the whole thing on my cell phone. You can see it on TMZ.com today.Myvideo! And my mother never thought I’d amount to anything.”
Cops arrested Manning and several members of his entourage. He was released on bail this morning and issued a statement through his agent:
“I am sorry for the embarrassment I have brought to the organization. I hope I have not caused too much of a distraction for my teammates. While I am innocent of any wrongdoing, I do take responsibility for putting myself in that situation in the first place and vow to be more careful about who I associate with in the future. And just to clarify, I can handle my liquor. I think someone just slipped something into my drink. If they are still alive, I hope they are prosecuted.”
Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had a special treat for his team today before practice, letting a man who has worked behind the scenes for the team for many years address the players.
"Fellas, before we go out to practice today," said Manning. "I want us all to remember that many people helped get us here to the Super Bowl. And I don't think we should forget them. So I'd like to have one of those people speak to you today."
Manning then called a man forward and put his arm around him.
"Many of you probably recognize the man here beside me," said the quarterback. "He's not just the kindly black man we pass in the halls or see in the locker room. He does an important job for the Colts. What's your job, Jim? It is Jim, right?"
"Yes, it's Jim. And I'm the head coach," said Caldwell.
"Ha! Good one!" Manning said, slapping Caldwell's back. "Who else here knew that this guy was so funny? Well, Jim, the floor is yours. You have the players' attention."
Caldwell stepped forward, cleared his throat and quietly and nervously spoke.
"This is very exciting for me," he said. "I've thought about this opportunity for a long time."
He then launched into a list of areas he wanted the team to work on in practice and even started writing a play idea on the locker room whiteboard.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Manning eventually interrupted, cutting the man off. "Let's stay in our lane, buddy. Back to the mail room or wherever it is you work."
After Caldwell left, Manning apologized to his team.
"Sorry that got a little awkward," he said. "But I just wanted to remind you that we're playing for all of the employees in this organization. Even the ones with seemingly pointless, menial jobs. And I think that guy showed how important we are to him. Drawing up a play. Hilarious!"
Several Colts players say that if they are fortunate enough to take a big lead in the Super Bowl, they may even run the man's play.
"How often has a team run a play drawn up by a janitor in the Super Bowl?" said center Jeff Saturday. "It would be a cool story."
New Orleans Saints backup quarterback Mark Brunell had his teammates doubled over with laughter when he did his famous Peyton Manning impression at practice today.
"Oh, man! Mark! Mark! Do that one again where you throw an incompletion, wrinkle your face all up and then yell to the coaches something about the receiver running the wrong route," requested Saints safety Darren Sharper.
Brunell immediately complied, throwing a pass behind a scout team receiver, slumping his shoulders and storming off the field, angrily gesturing towards the intended receiver.
"Aaaaahhhhh! So funny, man. So funny!" yelled Sharper. "Stop. I'm going to pull something laughing. Just stop!"
Brunell next ran a series in which he audibled out of every play he was told to run by head coach Sean Payton.
"Run the plays I give you!" yelled Payton. "We need to prepare our defense for what Indianapolis runs."
But Brunell insisted he was checking to better plays and used a folksy drawl for added effect. Payton didn't laugh, however, and only became more enraged when Brunell stopped him to take a fake phone call from his "little brother".
"No, Eli. Mommy is not being mean to you," said Brunell. "It's not good to eat glue."
As more Saints broke into laughter around him, Payton said he understands that Brunell is doing Manning and that he appreciates the skill to pull it off.
"I'm just not that big into people who do impressions. It's not all that funny to me," said Payton. "Like, Frank Caliendo. Eh. Doesn't do it for me. You know what I would like? If Brunell could actually throw like Peyton Manning. Then we wouldn't be screwed if Drew Brees ever gets hurt."
Who cares about the players!
Here are the hottest cheerleaders in Super Bowl XLIV.