Filed Under » Houston Astros

According to reports, Roger Clemens will enter federal prison as a member of the Boston Red Sox, picking the team he spent 13 years of his 24-year career over the Yankees, Astros and Blue Jays.

“We knew this day would come,” said Clemens’ attorney, Rusty Hardin. “We just thought it would be for the Hall of Fame.”

Despite a strained relationship with his former team, Clemens forged his baseball career in Boston.

“Roger won three of his seven Cy Young awards with Boston,” said his wife, Debbie. “At the same time, he started using steroids in Toronto and really had them pay off in New York and Houston. So it was a tough call for him. He’s lost a lot of sleep over this decision. Also because I think he’s scared of going to prison.”

Clemens is facing more than a year in a federal penetentiary if convicted of lying before Congress. While he may wear a Red Sox hat to prison, it will immediately be seized by prison officials.

“That would be considered contraband,” said a guard at a federal penitentiary. “He would have to wear standard prison attire like every other inmate — because those are the rules and also for his own protection. Most people hate the Red Sox and would probably try to kill him. Hell, I’d probably shank him myself and I barely even follow baseball.”

The Philaelphia Phillies finally agreed on a deal today to acquire Astros ace Roy Oswalt, sending starter Roy Halladay and several prospects to Houston. The Phillies also have to pick up the majority of Halladay’s contract, as well as all of Oswalt’s.

“We got the player we were targetting,” said general manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. “I’m sure all of our fans are excited about this acquisition.”

But Phillies fans have immediately taken to sports radio and online message boards to rip the deal, criticizing Amaro, saying that Halladay is better than Oswalt and even that they wish the team had kept Cliff Lee over Halladay in the first place.

Amaro was interviewd on Philadelphia’s WIP about the deal and asked why he couldn’t have worked it so Halladay and Oswalt were in the same rotation — or Halladay and Lee.

“Two good pitchers together? On the same team?” he stammered. “I … I … don’t know. Is that even allowed? It seems weird. How do you make one the ace then? Isn’t a team supposed to have an ace?”

“The Phillies were one of the teams I was willing to go to,” said Oswalt. “But I didn’t realize they’d deal me for Halladay. Now we won’t be any better. I should have just stayed in Houston.”

Sources close to the Phillies say Oswalt could be heading back to Texas. Amaro is reportedly trying to deal Oswalt and some top prospects to the Rangers for Cliff Lee.

In its latest attempt to contain a catastrophic oil spill, the British Petroleum company has announced plans to lower Astros left fielder Carlos Lee over the gusher. BP hopes the size and girth of the slugger will be enough to plug the leak and buy workers time to repair it.

BP chairman Lamar McKay said the company was hoping to submerge Lee by the end of the week.

“We’re hoping to get him down there under water by Friday at the latest,” said McKay. “Carlos is a very large man and his body should provide enough mass to jam up that leak pretty good. Then our technicians can get in there and fix the problem. This should actually be easier to pull off than the big box because the box couldn’t swim.”

McKay indicated that they had talked to Lee and the slugger had agreed to help out.

“Carlos has been on board with this from the get-go,” said McKay. “He really wants to help out, to do his part for the environment. His only concern, if you could call it that, was that he wouldn’t be quite fat enough to plug a leak that massive. But we assured him that he was indeed plenty fat. And in fact, that he might have to fast for a few days to get down to the appropriate weight.”

The details of the plan have not been revealed in full, but McKay did say that Lee would be lowered with a crane to the area of the gusher and then would paddle to the leak and dive into it.

In a Senate inquiry on Wednesday, lawmakers questioned whether the plan would work.

“This seems a bit pie-in-the-sky to me, no pun intended,” said Sen. Jeff Bingaman, D-N.M. “I mean, I know that Carlos is a big guy, but he can hardly be big enough to — Oh my God, is that a picture of him? Wow, he has put on weight. Damn. I’m surprised he can even run the bases. Actually, judging from his batting average in the report I was given on him, the issue of baserunning hasn’t really come up yet.”

Astros ownership said they approved of the measure and expressed gratitude towards Lee for sacrificing his body for the good of the nation.

“We’re very proud of Carlos for offering up his body for something this important,” said team owner Drayton McLane, Jr. “It is our hope that his fatness will curb this terrible environmental disaster once and for all. It’s also our hope that he will resurface a thinner, more svelte human, since there won’t be much to eat down there. Then again, whales and great white sharks manage to keep themselves fed, so who knows? He could develop a liking for plankton and never want to surface again. Which would be fine, too. I’m pretty sure we put something in his contract allowing us to void it if he becomes a whale. Same with Lance Berkman.”

SportsPickle is previewing each MLB team in the lead up to Opening Day 2010.

Today:Houston Astros (2009: 74-88, 5th in NL Central)