"Orb has really be down since we mentioned where we were going to him in his stall," said trainer Shug McGaughey. "I had no idea that even horse had a bad impression of Baltimore, but I guess they do. Hopefully he can snap out of it and get his energy back for the race."
Stuart Janney III, the horse's owner, says he has tried to tell Orb that Baltimore is not as bad as its reputation.
"All cities have their warts," said Janney. "I told Orb about the aquarium there and, you know, the baseball stadium and some decent neighborhoods, probably. But apparently one of our stall hands is a big fan of 'The Wire' and talks about it all the time. So no matter what I say, Orb thinks we're basically taking him to hell."
Champion or not, the mud-splattered torso look appears sloppy, while Orb's tail looks short and tangled. A tacky Yum! logo on his shirt makes it even worse. Total fail.
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The leather strapping about Revolutionary's face is white, brown and black. What a disaster. It's like wearing a black belt with white shoes. A total no-no.
The celebration was unfortunately abandoned when he spotted a spider. EEEEEEEEK!
News Thousands to Get Drunk, Put on Stupid Hats and Yell at Little People Riding Around on Horses in Depraved Ritual
"It's as crazy as it sounds," says Debbie McClain, who lives near ground zero of the event, held at a place called Churchill Downs, in Louisville. Maybe craziest of all, a lot of them spend a fortune on it. They put the thing on TV, too, and pretend that it means something important as though they're not just all batshit insane. As though it's not just a bunch of drunk, mentally ill people screaming at midgets riding around on animals. I don't know if it's ever been officially categorized as a cult, but it definitely seems like one to me. Their building even has steeple things on it like a church. Nutjobs."
The strange gathering dates all the way back to 1875. Yet while modernity and societal progress has driven most American freak shows out of business, the "Kentucky Derby" as the attendees call it somehow continues on into the 21st Century.
"Those psychopaths even sacrifice the animals," said another nearby resident. "It's true. If one gets hurt, they blow its brains out. They don't even deny it. I don't know how the whole thing hasn't been shut down. These people are killing animals after riding around on them for their own pleasure. In 2013. I guess if you engage in this level of debauchery, but do it tucked away in a state like Kentucky, the authorities forget about you. It's my only theory."
Lebron James and James Woods!
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Joe Flacco and Ann Curry!
It's time we sanction the sport of horse-fighting.
Fun Fact: He said this just hours after Chelsea won the Champions League.
Mint Julep "Jockey Style"
Make a traditional Mint Julep. Except instead of a regular glass, use a thimble.
Elite Mint Julep
A favorite of the horse owners! Make a traditional Mint Julep using only the most expensive, name brand ingredients including melted glacier water and flecks of real gold and then drink it out of a poor person's skull.
Lose the last bit of your savings betting on a long-shot on a random race on a Tuesday night. Then pick a half empty Budweiser can out of the trash and drink it.
Pay for all of the best Mint Julep ingredients. Age them for one year NO LONGER! Drink and then do it all over again.
Make the strongest Mint Julep you can. Chug it in 15 seconds or less. If you get really drunk and start misbehaving, just blame it on 9/11.
Brew of Barbaro
Collect the tears of a fat woman with lots of cats. Mix with horse blood and horse semen and drink it through a straw made from a hollowed-out equine leg bone.
The horses who smoke weed are more into Tim Lincecum.