SportsPickle - Filed Under "Handicapper" http://www.sportspickle.com/tag/handicapper Filed Under "Handicapper" /article/4006 Week 9 Fri, 05 Nov 2010 13:54:41 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Arizona at Minnesota (-8)

The Vikings are 2-5. The Titans are 5-3. A lot of Vikings are probably going to start saying the post-practice spread looks like sh*t in order to get to play for a team that might actually make the playoffs.

My pick: Minnesota

Chicago at Buffalo (+3)

If Shawne Merriman records 5 sacks this week, let's not go crazy and say picking him up was a brilliant move by the Bills. A) The Bills don't make brilliant moves; it's sort of a rule; and B) Anyone getting less than 10 sacks against Jay Cutler and his Chicago line is a failure.

My pick: Buffalo (and to win)

San Diego at Houston (+3)

The Chargers are on that next level where the Texans hope to get one day. The Texans are tired of just being a talented team that disappoints in the regular season. They want to be a talented team that also starts disappointing in the playoffs.

My pick: Houston (and to win)

New Orleans at Carolina (+6.5)

I have realized there is no such thing as a Super Bowl hangover. It doesn't exist. There is no hangover. Super Bowl champions just stay drunk. For example, last year the Steelers lost to the Bears, the Bengals twice, the Chiefs, the Raiders and the Browns. Against good teams they actually did pretty well.

This year the Saints have lost to the Cardinals and the Browns, but last week beat the Steelers. My point being this: drunk people tend to get into trouble when they hook up with really ugly people. They think they're good, that they have it under control, and then they wake up the next morning, roll over and realize: "Ohmigod. I just lost to the Browns."

My pick: New Orleans

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-8.5)

I'm still surprised that Raheem Morris said that the Buccaneers are the "best team in the NFC." I mean, if he was trying to motivate his team, as he said he was, why qualify it with "NFC"? The NFC is the far inferior conference. It's like wearing around a "World's #1 Stepdad!" t-shirt. Congrats and everything. But maybe it's not something to really gloat about.

My pick: Tampa Bay

New York Jets at Detroit (+4)

Really, Tom Kowalski? Really?

...]]> /article/3921 Week 8 Fri, 29 Oct 2010 06:56:11 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Washington at Detroit (-3)

Really, Tom Kowalski? Really?

...]]> /article/3829 Week 7 Fri, 22 Oct 2010 10:00:14 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Pittsburgh at Miami (+3)

And now, poetry from everyone's favorite sensitive linebacker, James Harrison:

...]]> /article/3753 Week 6 Fri, 15 Oct 2010 13:34:51 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-14)

Ben Roethlisberger wore a pink towel and pink shoes at Steelers practice all week in recognition of breast cancer awareness month.

Of course, a lot of people laughed it off as a transparent ploy to make people think he respects women. But he's put himself in the position where it's damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Make gestures like that and people think they're insincere. Don't make gestures like that and people think you're the same jerk.

I, for one, believe his sincerity.

Because after practice, when the cameras were gone, I spotted him outside the Steelers' South Side facility holding up this sign:

...]]> /article/3669 NFL Week 5 Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:02:49 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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St. Louis at Detroit (-3)

The Lions think you're sellouts, Rams. Oooh! Look at you with your 2 wins! Fancy! You think you can just dabble in failure for a few years? A decade? HA! True failure, pure failure, is something you do for decades. It's a lifestyle. It's a way of life. It's something you live and breath on and off the field.

Take the Lions fight song, for example. Most bad teams would forget the little detail of having an embarrassing fight song that sounds like a rejected Clay Aiken song. But the Lions are more than a bad team. They are a bad institution.

My pick: Detroit

Green Bay at Washington (+3)

It's too bad Brett Favre doesn't still play for the Packers because everyone could make a lot of string cheese-related jokes this week.

My pick: Green Bay

Denver at Baltimore (-7)

Word is Joe Flacco is a STAR now because he threw a pass to a wide open Touraj Houshmandzadeh to beat the Steelers last week! YAY! Good for you, Joe!

Except, I remember hearing how awesome he was in years past, only to see him then go out and play like complete crap again. And then he'd have another decent game and become … A STAR! And then another string of sucking. And then again … A STAR!

It's almost like he's just a very average and inconsistent quarterback and that the football media has zero memory, is prone to baseless hype and just generally talks out of its ass. But, no. I'm sure this time … this time … it's legit and we now have … JOE FLACCO: NFL SUPERSTAR!

My pick: Denver

Jacksonville at Buffalo (+1.5)

Oooh! Trent Edwards can prove to the Bills that they never should have let him go by sitting on the bench for the Jaguars better than he sat on the bench for Buffalo. THE ULTIMATE REVENGE!

My pick: Buffalo (and to win)

Kansas City at Indianapolis (-7)

The Chiefs are the NFL's only undefeated team and they had an entire bye week to prepare for knocking off the Colts. Although I'm afraid the extra downtime gave them a chance to think to themselves: "3-0? Oh, crap. We're not that good. We're not that good at all. We're in way over our heads. We're going to get killed."

My pick: Indianapolis

Atlanta at Cleveland (+3)

I'm not a Browns fan, but it was nice to see them get a win last week. You never want any team to go winless and a victory gave Eric Mangini the rare opportunity to smile.

Unfortunately, watching Eric Mangini smile is disgusting. In recent years he has been quickly ascending through the coaching weight classes towards Andy Reid and Charlie Weis territory. But in the offseason he lost a ton of weight.

And he looks awful.

It turns out Mangini is one of those fat people who looks terrible in normal human size. His face is all gaunt and pale. His skin looks loose. His eyes are buggy and seemingly adrift from their usual fat-protected docking stations. It's horrid. Mangini has the dreaded weight loss cancer-AIDS.

So let's take a look at the top ways Eric Mangini looks terrible:

4. being normal-sized
...]]> /article/3575 NFL Week 4 Fri, 01 Oct 2010 12:30:33 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Cincinnati at Cleveland (+3)

What was the big surprise over Ochocinco's cereal having a phone sex line number listed on the box? We're shocked that something marketed as "honey nut" is perverted?

The Honey Nut Cheerios bee doesn't even wear pants.
...]]> /article/3465 NFL Week 3 Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:46:55 -0400 Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Tennessee at New York Giants (-3)

Vince Young shared some very important information with the world this week on Twitter:

...]]> /article/3241 2010 NFL Week 2 Fri, 17 Sep 2010 18:16:40 -0400

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

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Kansas City at Clevelan...]]> /article/2626 NFL Week 1 Thu, 16 Sep 2010 00:09:46 -0400


Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season. Or, you know, sometimes on Thursday, apparently.

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