Filed Under » Handicapper

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Arizona at Minnesota (-8)

The Vikings are 2-5. The Titans are 5-3. A lot of Vikings are probably going to start saying the post-practice spread looks like sh*t in order to get to play for a team that might actually make the playoffs.

My pick: Minnesota

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Washington at Detroit (-3)

Really, Tom Kowalski? Really?

I mean, I realize it's Halloween and people can be easily spooked. But I'm pretty sure that if a kid dressed up as Matthew Stafford's arm for Halloween, his friends would just laugh at him. In fact, dressing up as a fairy princess is probably a tougher and scarier costume.

My pick: Washington (and to win)

Green Bay at New York Jets (-6)

Up until a few weeks ago, the Packers, Jets, Deanna Favre and Jenn Sterger were the only ones who had seen Brett Favre's dong. When people refer to "the good old days," that's the time they mean.

My pick: New York Jets

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Pittsburgh at Miami (+3)

And now, poetry from everyone's favorite sensitive linebacker, James Harrison:

So deep and heartfelt, James. Well done.

My pick: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia at Tennessee (-3)

Andy Reid after last week's win: "This is a beautiful thing. When you're sitting here as a chubby head coach in the National Football League and you have two good quarterbacks, you're a happy guy."

A chubby guy? Come on, Reid. You tried to be self-deprecating and instead came off as someone in deep denial. You, sir, are morbidly obese. In fact, let me compare you — to scale — to someone who is actually chubby: Chubby from "Teen Wolf."

Again, to scale, and as you can see: at least 10 Chubby's make up one Andy Reid. Stop pretending we're as stupid as you are fat, Reid.

My pick: Tennessee

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-14)

Ben Roethlisberger wore a pink towel and pink shoes at Steelers practice all week in recognition of breast cancer awareness month.

Of course, a lot of people laughed it off as a transparent ploy to make people think he respects women. But he's put himself in the position where it's damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Make gestures like that and people think they're insincere. Don't make gestures like that and people think you're the same jerk.

I, for one, believe his sincerity.

Because after practice, when the cameras were gone, I spotted him outside the Steelers' South Side facility holding up this sign:

He's good people.

My pick: Pittsburgh

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

St. Louis at Detroit (-3)

The Lions think you're sellouts, Rams. Oooh! Look at you with your 2 wins! Fancy! You think you can just dabble in failure for a few years? A decade? HA! True failure, pure failure, is something you do for decades. It's a lifestyle. It's a way of life. It's something you live and breath on and off the field.

Take the Lions fight song, for example. Most bad teams would forget the little detail of having an embarrassing fight song that sounds like a rejected Clay Aiken song. But the Lions are more than a bad team. They are a bad institution.

My pick: Detroit

Green Bay at Washington (+3)

It's too bad Brett Favre doesn't still play for the Packers because everyone could make a lot of string cheese-related jokes this week.

My pick: Green Bay

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Cincinnati at Cleveland (+3)

What was the big surprise over Ochocinco's cereal having a phone sex line number listed on the box? We're shocked that something marketed as "honey nut" is perverted?

The Honey Nut Cheerios bee doesn't even wear pants.

My pick: Cincinnati

Denver at Tennessee (-7)

The Broncos are 3-10 since last November. Now they face games at Tennessee, at Baltimore and home versus the Jets. They could easily fall to 1-5 on the season and 3-13 in the past year.

No doubt Josh McDaniels saw this coming and that's why he drafted Tim Tebow. Give it to us, Tim!

1. Tebow

   Mark 10:31 says "The first shall be last and the last shall be first."

2. Denver

   Yay! Suck it, Chiefs!

My pick: Denver

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Tennessee at New York Giants (-3)

Vince Young shared some very important information with the world this week on Twitter:

Now Young is in New York to play Eli and Giants. You can get great seafood in New York. I bet Young tells Eli about his love of seafood. Here's how that would probably look …

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Kansas City at Cleveland (-1.5)

Kansas City fans have to be excited by Week 1 because the Chiefs look like they have some good young players. But they should really be excited because it's all but a given that Dester McCluster will one day open up a restaurant in Kansas City called Dexter McCluckster's. He has to with that name. He can't let such a name go to waste. Mmmm. Dexter McCluckster's chicken wings. Mmmm. With Kansas City barbecue sauce. Mmmmmmm.

My pick: Kansas City (and to win)

Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season. Or, you know, sometimes on Thursday, apparently.

- – - – -

1:00 p.m. ET

Carolina at New York Giants (-7)

The Giants are playing the first regular season game at the Meadowlands and their fans want a win. Although a loss will probably be fine as long as a lot of Springsteen and Jovi is played during the game.

My pick: New York Giants