"It is with great pleasure today that I announce Augusta National Golf Club has offered a place here to two breast implants I call them Mandy and Sheila," said club chairman Billy Payne. "We feel they will fit in perfectly with our members."
Payne stressed that the change in the club's membership bylaws was not due to outside pressure on the club to admit its first female member.
"We remain fairly insulated from outside pressures, from membership concerns to advertising," said Payne. "But internally, our members have long wanted to have some tits to look at here without bringing in, you know, an actual woman. We feel the implants accomplish that goal."
Payne bristled at suggestions that Augusta's latest membership offer is crass or degrading.
"Augusta National Golf Club operates with the height of decorum," said Payne. "It should be noted that the breast implants are C-cup size implants. These are not double-D stripper-sized titties. We are classier than that."
He once did a stripper named Montana.
Golf is classy. It's referred to as an intercourse scandal.
Yogi Berra and Mickey Mantle for Yoo-Hoo
No doubt Yogi Berra had a great Yogiism about his teammate fellating a kids' drink.
"It's great to finally get back in the win column," said LaCava, who was clearly relieved to have his title drought at an end. "I was tired of hearing all the caddy critics out there saying that 'Joe LaCava is never going to win another golf tournament.' Well, in your face. I'm a champion again."
LaCava entered Sunday's final round with a 1-stroke lead but said he felt confident he was going to win.
"Everything was going great, you know? It was just one of those days," he said. "The strap of the golf bag felt really good on my shoulder, when I would put the clubs back in the bag, they'd slide right in and not get jammed on the other clubs. I peeled a perfect banana. And one time I said '7-iron here' but then the wind picked up and I said, 'No, go 8-iron,' and the eight turned out to be the right club. I was in a zone."
Picture Cactus-Covered Golfer
Either that's cactus or really huge and terrifying worms.
That's for all the golf team members who were cut from the football team.
Since when can Europeans throw things?