Filed Under » golf

This is the break in the case I was waiting for:

Seriously, if media reports like this are what we'd get under Chinese rule … I will happily accept.

A mere four days after saving her husband, Tiger Woods, from a parked automobile by smashing his windshield with a golf club, Elin Woods again saved her husband from a potentially catastrophic mosquito bite by cutting his penis off with an axe.

Police rushed to the golf superstar’s home in Isleworth, Florida, on Sunday morning after receiving calls from neighbors about Woods staggering out of his home in the middle of the night, carrying his own detached and bloody penis in his hand.

According to a statement from Woods’ publicist Glenn Greenspan, “At approximately 2:34AM this morning at their home, Tiger Woods and his wife Elin were up discussing how best to bring debt relief to the people of Africa, as they are known to do. At this time, Mrs. Woods noticed that a mosquito had landed on her husband’s penis and had begun sucking on it. I don’t need to tell you that mosquitoes are the number one carrier of malaria in the world today. Mrs. Woods knew that if she didn’t act quickly to get rid of that mosquito, her husband would almost certainly die.

“So, summoning an inner strength she never knew she had, she reached for an axe and bravely chopped off her husband’s genitalia,” the statement continued. “If Mrs. Woods had responded in the way that she had, the golf world may have lost a legend. My client is forever indebted to his wife for boldly slicing off his manhood.”

However, Isleworth police officers and others still have many questions for Mrs. Woods in the wake of her husband’s impromptu penile castration. They do not believe alcohol was involved, but anonymous sources say Woods had scratches all about his testicles and anus, and had a dagger sticking out of his shoulder at the time of the incident. “This story sounds awfully fishy to me,” said Harvey Levin of gossip giant TMZ. “If you wanted to get rid of the mosquito, why not a simple c-ckpunch?”

Tiger and Elin Woods were scheduled to meet with police on Monday morning, but have since delayed that meeting until a time that better suits their convenience. Greenspan estimates that time will be somewhere in the neighborhood of January 3045.

Professional golfer Phil Mickelson drove out of his Rancho Sante Fe, Calif., development this afternoon without incident and then pulled his Cadillac SUV over to celebrate the feat before family, friends and gathered media.

"Thank you, thank you very much," Mickelson said, stepping out of his car to applause, as his children ran up to him for a big hug in front of the cameras. "I'm so happy to have made it out of my neighborhood without crashing and having to have my wife pull me out of the car."

Mickelson then posed with his undented, pristine Escalade for 10 minutes for photographers before addressing the crowd.

"It was tough to get to this point, but the journey makes what I accomplished all the sweeter," said Mickelson. "I can't tell you how many hydrants I passed, how many trees were within mere yards of the car as I winded my way out of the development. But I stuck to my gameplan — staying on the road — and made it all the way to the main road."

With the uneventful trip in hand, Mickelson said he planned to head home and spend some time with his family.

"It's been a long, stressful trip," he said. "I was thinking of heading across town to run some errands. But I need a break. And I want to be with Amy and the kids for a while."

Mickelson then drove back into his neighborhood and crashed his Escalade into a light pole.

Tiger Woods has won the FedEx Cup, which is like the Sprint Cup of golf, if you consider the Sprint Cup to be the Lombardi Trophy of NASCAR. Or something like that.

Either way, the 2009 PGA Tour season is officially at a close.

Here are some of the highlights you may have missed.

JANUARY

The highest winning score in PGA Tour history — 98-over par — wins the Syracuse Open as players struggle with greens covered in 14 inches of snow.

FEBRUARY

Despite passing all required blood and urine tests, John Daly is suspended by the PGA Tour for the obvious use of illegal drugs.

MARCH

Phil Mickelson wins the $1.4 million purse at the World Golf Championship and admits the purse makes him "feel pretty."

APRIL

Some guy you never heard of wins at Augusta and you fall asleep while watching the Masters, a tradition of yours you consider unlike any other.

MAY

The Tour makes a three-stop swing through Texas and CBS broadcaster Jim Nantz takes the opportunity to visit several of his favorite Mexican brothels.

JUNE

Lucas Glover wins the US Open, a victory that will forever be asterisked because Tiger Woods didn't win it.

JULY

Stewart Cink wins the British Open Championship at Royal Dingleberry in Scotland.

AUGUST

Tiger Woods loses a fourth round lead at the PGA Championship, thanks to missing numerous short putts. However, on one missed putt, he sets a career best for longest profanity, screaming: "Supercalifuckuliciousekspiallassholelidocious!"

SEPTEMBER

No one really has any idea what happened in golf in September. Football started.

The 2009 golf majors may be over, but Tour players didn’t go their separate ways for the off-season before first voting overwhelmingly to re-institute a ban on black players that was lifted in 1961.

“Look, black players have had 48 years to make their mark on the PGA Tour and it hasn’t happened,” said Mark Calcavecchia. “There is only one black guy on Tour. It’s not like we’re denying a bunch of people their rights. It’s just one guy.”

But while Calcavecchia and others paint the 179-1 vote – only Tiger Woods voted against the measure – as simply putting an end to a failed experiment, others see it as a desperate means of ending Woods’ domination over the Tour. Most notably, Woods himself.

“Obviously, they’re tired of losing to me all the time,” said Woods, who leads the PGA Tour in wins again this year. “They’ve tried to beat me in the past by doing stuff like Tiger-proofing courses, but nothing has worked. So they’ve resorted to something so pathetic and racist that it’s almost comical. Thing is – I’m not even half black. I’ve got a lot of Asian and Caucasian in me, too.”

Woods said he plans to circumvent the ban on black players in 2010 by playing up his non-black heritage, but one rival is very much against that tactic.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Vijay Singh. “I had to lobby pretty hard to not get banned. A lot of players want to get rid of me almost as much as they do Tiger because on the rare occasion he doesn’t win, I'm one of the few guys who is a real threat. But if he’s going to come in with that Cablanasian crap, he’s going to get people with any color in their skin banned. And then I’m out of a job.”

Phil Mickelson says he wholeheartedly supports a Tour ban on people of color.

“This is totally not about me repeatedly getting humiliated by Tiger Woods. Not at all,” said Mickelson. “This is only because golf is a game rich in history and tradition. And the history of this game is whites-only. There’s even more history of whites-only in golf than there is a history of me getting beaten by Tiger Woods, if you can wrap your head around that.”

Woods says that if he doesn’t play next year as non-black or fight the ban in court, he will start up a golf tour of his own.

“Me, Vijay Singh, Michael Campbell, Camilo Villegas, Anthony Kim, some of those South American guys who smoke all the time – would you rather watch that group on TV on a Sunday afternoon,” said Woods, “or a bunch of dorky country club crackers hacking away? And I say ‘crackers’ with all due respect. In fact, sometimes I refer to myself as a Crackblanasian.”

JohnDaly, the overweight, substance-abusing professional golfer who has been married four times, is still a fan favorite on the PGA Tour, despitewinning only a single Tour event in more than 14 years. Also,he’swhite.

“I loveJohnDaly.He’smy favorite player,” said Jake Welch, aDalyfan. “He’soverweight, has women troubles, drinks a bit too much booze, he's lazy –he’san everyman. But, oh yeah, if he wasblackI’d definitely hate him.”

Jack McClintock, the editor of Golf Monthly, agrees. “Dalyis one of golf’s most beloved players even though he never wins and often doesn't even make the cut. But put some melanin in him and he’d be a total punk thug – a Cincinnati Bengal walking around with a club; a weapon. He’severything that’s wrong with sports, except, of course,he’swhite.”

Golf insiders say Daly’s alcoholism and four marriages – including one to Sherrie Daly, who was indicted on a charge of laundering drug money – as well as his police record, weight problem, frequent suspensions, flashy clothes and poor play matter very little to a public who love the big blonde’s self-effacing manner and grip-it-and-rip-it approach on and off the course.

“Daly’s whiteness actually makes all of those negatives positives for him,” said McClintock. “It’s really quite an interesting phenomenon.”

Daly, like manyblackfootball and basketball players, even has recorded an album. But Daly’s is a country album, with songs such as “All My Exes Wear Rolexes,”notrap or hip hop. “Rap is horrendous. We didn’t need another athlete with no musical talent yelling into a mic,” said Welch. “But John’s album is just about having fun.”

Even Tiger Woods, professional golf’s poster child, has noticed the benefit of the doubt that Dalyreceives as a white guy.

“Johnis an everyday reminder for me that I can’t screw up in my personal life,” said Woods. “He's sort of a role model for me in that way. Can you imagine if I did all the stuff he has done? People would look at me like I was some kind of gangbanger. That’s why I just try to keep my mouth shut and smile a lot. Heck, I get criticized if I pump my fist too much or let a curse word slip.”

Y.E. Yang bested Tiger Woods by three strokes to win the 2009 PGA Championship at Hazeltine.

What else do we know about this guy? Here are some facts about Y.E. Yang.

Yang did not start playing golf until he was 19 years old.

Tiger Woods had a 17-year head-start on Yang in learning the game, which is why Vegas sports books predict Yang will beat Woods for the 2026 PGA Championship by 51 strokes.

After quickly becoming quite skilled at golf, Yang was required to serve in the South Korean military.

Yang was drafted into the service in case tensions between South Korea and North Korea escalated into a golf-off with North Korean leader/golf phenom Kim Jong-il.

Yang was born in 1972 and his given name is용은.

So "Y.E." is apparently an abbreviation for "용은". How does he get Y.E. out of용은? South Koreans are weird.

In three previous years on the PGA Tour, Yang earned a total of $537,000. This season he has already won $3.2 million.

With his 10-percent take, Yang's caddie is now able to afford to move out of Yang's locker.

Before winning the PGA Championship, Yang's best finish in a major was a tie for 30th at the 2007 Masters.

In all fairness, Yang was distracted at the Masters by Augusta National members frequently asking him if he had their dry cleaning ready.

Yang if the first Asian-born* player to win one of golf's majors.

*Caublanasian not included.